That’s it. I tried my best, but I really did- but I can’t do it. I can’t mom today. I’m calling in sick!
I may never know what part of the cosmos I pissed off, but I woke up this morning and my back was jacked. Yes, I suffer from chronic pain, so my back is ALWAYS jacked- but this was super jacked. It’s the pinching stabbing OMFGDIE feeling I get right before the whole thing tweaks and I am immobile for days at a time. It’s bad. Very very bad.
What I need to do is sit completely still on the couch, with either ice or heat on my back (maybe both) and not move for the entirety of the day. NO MOVING. Sorry, kids. I’m not mom today. Consider me a part of the couch that you are NOT ALLOWED TO SIT ON. Seriously. Go the hell away and take care of yourselves. No, I CAN’T play “Sorry” with you, and I’m not even sorry.
It’s a day where instead of feeding my young, I should beckon them with a loaf of bread and feed them like I would duck at the parks by tossing little pieces onto the floor. Or maybe I’ll just let them have whatever the hell they can reach. Even if all there is within their grasp is chocolate, it doesn’t even matter, Besides, chocolate comes from the cocoa plant so technically it’s a vegetable.
Dinner? Didn’t I just throw bread on the floor for them? No one REALLY needs three meals a day!
Hopefully, you don’t suffer from any kind of chronic anything- but even if you don’t- you’ve had a day just like mine. A day where you are nasty sick and even lifting your head feels like you’re taking a jackhammer to it. A day where you seriously can’t stop hacking up snot and your throat is so raw you’re considering just drinking honey instead of adding it to tea. A day where your headache is so intense and so sensitive to light that you crawl into the bathroom and hide in a dark corner.
These are the times that we absolutely should and DESERVE to wave the white flag and lay down. No responsibility, no whining kids or hungry bellies or housework or anything else that requires getting out of bed or moving off of the couch. We deserve a sick day- a REAL sick day- but do we ever take one? Nope.
Unless we somehow manage to get ourselves hospitalized (yay, meals we didn’t have to cook ourselves!)- we’re punching that parent time card and getting our asses to work.
Boogers flowing, heads pounding, throats scratching, hobbling around with a funky looking sock filled with hot rice on your back like me- it doesn’t matter. We get it done because it needs to be done and we’re the only ones who are gonna do it. And because we don’t let illness or pain hold us back. We are some bad-ass bitches! And people say that women are the weaker sex. Pssshhhhh!
I truly feel that we should get some kind of award for surviving days like these, and since there’s not even someone to cover us so that we can take a day off, there’s no one to give us a much deserved reward- so like we do for everyone else- we have to do it ourselves. Get your favorite chocolate, cheesecake, brownies, candy, anything ridiculously decadent and sinful- and put it away. Every time you can’t mom and you mom that shit out anyway, you get some.
Now, I realize that stowing these yummy things away is probably a bad idea, because stowing away is not the same as HIDING it from yourself so you don’t get tempted, and they might not last until our next can’t be sick sick-day, but that’s okay. We deserve the treats whenever the hell we want them! Our thighs and asses might not be happy about it, but you can’t please everybody!
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8