As I sat on the couch this morning, 4 year old next to me, and Elmo once again talking about himself in the 3rd person with his obnoxiously shrill voice PIERCING INTO MY BRAIN for the 3rd day in a row this week, I found it to be the perfect time to reflect. Anything to turn my damn ears off!
It’s funny how before I had children, sitting down and having a cup of coffee while I watched TV didn’t seem like a big deal, it was just a regular every day activity. Man oh man, did I take that quiet time for granted! Pre-Elmo invasion, TV was bliss! That got me to thinking, how many things now do I consider a special treat that before children were hum-drum daily activities? I mean, we parents BRAG when we get to go pee alone. BRAG! We broadcast it to all of our friends and family; we want it as FRONT PAGE NEWS. Extra extra! Hear all about it! We want to get a bullhorn, climb on the roof, fire that sucker up and announce to the entire neighborhood “ATTENTION Neighbors and random passerbys. Can I have your attention, please? Today, and this is going to be hard to believe, but today… I peed without being interrupted. Please, hold your applause. We wouldn’t want to rub this in our neighbors’ faces who currently have little fingers poking underneath the bathroom door.”
What the hell??
If you are reading this, and don’t have a crotchfruit tearing apart your home yet, there are some things you need to take advantage of before reproducing. Things you would never think would become special occasions. Parenthood is weird.
It’s more than just the run of the mill restful sleep and long hot showers. More random than the joy you get from an uninterrupted bowel movement.
If I could go back in time, I would enjoy being able to go out whenever I wanted, no huge production or or checklist of things needed; just to be able to think “hm, I feel like going to the mall” and walking right out the door. That doesn’t happen these days. I’d relish quiet meals that didn’t include repeatedly reminding someone to chew. I’d dance around while doing only two loads of laundry a week; oh my damn, those were the day! I’d be thrilled about only having to buy one type of milk, and having it last for over a week! Holy moly, I almost forgot how infrequent grocery store trips were before kids. I would treasure going out after dark. If we are ever driving around after the sun has gone down, headlights nearly blind me- that’s how infrequently that happens!
All of those things are now special treats. Isn’t that strange?? Hindsight is a real bitch. I wish I could go back and take full advantage of all of the things I thought were nothing special, because once you become a parent, those are few and far between, and something stupid like going to get the mail (YAY MAIL!) and BEDTIME are going to become the highlights of your day.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times