This morning when I woke up, I thought it was time. Time to put together one of my favorite traditions here on Holdin’ Holden! The ISMS blog! Holdenisms, Parkerisms, Weird kidisms, ISM ALL THE THINGS!
My plan was to fill this blog with a semi-equal amount of random, zany, frightening, and downright strange quotes from both kids- but as I started putting it together, it was clear that Parker had taken the fuck over. It’s almost like Holden can’t even get in a word edgewise because Parker never shuts the hell up. A year ago, I would have said the same thing about Holden. I could be annoyed, having two blabbermouth kids and zero silence- but I’m proud. Proud that Parker is talking, and so much that I’m writing these sentences about how he never stops. Not that I didn’t think we’d ever get to this place, but as a parent- seeing your kid struggle- sometimes your brain goes to the worst case scenario. I’m glad all of my ridiculous worry turned out to be just that- and I’m ALWAYS glad to share the weirdness that flies out of my kids mouths with all of you. Enjoy!
After dropping off Holden at school one morning, Parker went to get out of the car and slipped, landing his butt on the door frame, somehow bouncing off of it, and then landed on his feet. I expected him to complain about his poor cheeks because he’s 4, and 4 year olds LOVE to complain about… well… everything, but instead, he looked quizzically back at the car and very matter-of-factly says “I just bootie-bumped that door!” and walked away.
I laughed so hard that the kid thought I was choking.
During lunch one day, Parker was biting pretzels into different shapes and then telling me what letters they looked like. Then he decided to bite one and ask ME what it looked like. I stared blankly for a moment, and then guessed “an L?” and he snapped back “NO! IT’S A SEAHORSE!”
Well excuse the fuck outta me!
Kids are mean.
A word of advice to fellow parents:
BE SPECIFIC when speaking to children, or they will OWN you with logic.
Me: Eat your lunch! C’mon, you’ve hardly even touched your sandwich!
Parker: Yes I have. *pokes sandwich* touch!
Parker: 1, Mommy: 0
All hail the King of Oversharing!
Parker had been sick for a few days, so one morning while dropping off Holden at school, one of the teachers who helps kids get from cars to the front door safely remarked that Parker looked tired, to which Holden responded “Yeah, he’s sick!” and before she could even finish her “awww” he interrupted with “Yeah! AND HE VOMITED EVERYWHERE!”
Yes. I am sure the nice lady wanted visuals of puke to go along with her morning coffee. My kids are always shocking that poor lady. And people wonder why I don’t explain vaginas and menstrual cycles to the kid when he asks. God forbid anyone tells ME I look tired. “No, she’s on her period- and she’s wearing A TAMPON!!!”
Me and the boys were hanging out on the couch watching movies one morning, successfully avoiding participating in real life. Thomas had to go and be all productive and got dressed. Party pooper. When he came back down and sat on the couch next to the Parker, the little dude barked “Get off my pillow, old man!”
Holy shit. I hadn’t laughed so hard in a LONG time. Usually I’d call the kid on his sassy mouth, but… well… Thomas was trying to ruin the lazy, so he deserved it.
On weekday mornings after we drop Holden off at school, Parker and me sit in the driveway listening to the radio for a few minutes. One morning, he climbed into the front seat and jammed his favorite stuffed animal into the glove box. When I asked him why, he very nonchalantly said “So you can’t hear him scream.”
That right there is why so many scary movies have little kids in them. Creepy little shits.
You know when kids are the most awesome things EVER??
When you’re sitting in a very crowded restaurant and all the conversations lull at the same time and your precious crotchfruit decides that is the PERFECT moment to announce “I’m gassy!”, and as if it was planned, immediately following, the other yells “And I just farted!!”
Oh, you DIDN’T want butt fumes to go with your pizza? My bad!
The looks alone. Spectacular.
And now for a horribly cheesy joke that I feel dumb for ever having laughed at, but damnit- I did; a lot!!- courtesy of Holden.
Holden: Why did the clown go to the doctor?
Me: I don’t know, why?
Holden: Because he was feeling funny!
One afternoon, Parker got his Advent chocolate for the day and stared at it for a moment and then said “I wish this was a human. A human chocolate” and before I could start panicking and fleeing in fear because he’d finally gone all Children of the Corn/Hannibal Lecter on me and was going to eat mommy stew for lunch, he clarified that he meant he wished the picture ON the chocolate was of a human because the one he got looked like a gift box. WHEW. That was a close one!
What?! You never know! Little kids are fucking creepy!
Holden: *getting in car* Mommy, don’t you think it smells odd in here?
Me: I think your FACE smells odd!
Holden: Well, I wish your butt smelled like french fries!
Me: Wha? I….but….um…. yeah, I got nothin’.
Holden: *laughing triumphantly*
Holden: 1, Mommy: 0
Seems I’m scoring against them less and less as time goes on!
During one of my morning work outs, Parker started complaining that I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, so I encouraged him to join me. He decided we should do squats, and about 10 reps in, I ask him if he can feel the burn and he replies “I feel it in my knees… and my BUTT CRACK!”
I swear, that child talks about butts so often he puts Sir Mix A Lot to shame.
Another school drop-off story! Each morning when the employees/drop off line helpers let Holden out of my SUV, they have a very quick exchange with Parker, which usually consists of him shouting random shit at them because that’s all there is time for before we have to drive away. There was one time, one employee opened the door, and as soon as Holden’s feet hit the pavement, Parker yells “THE CURSE OF THE WERE-WIENER!”(which is a book he’s reading, which, of course, she didn’t know) at one of the employees. She blinked a few times and then looked at me and said “You must have interesting days.”
All I could do was laugh. She has NO idea!
As I was finishing up my coffee last week, Parker took my mug and said “I think you don’t have to drink anymore of this if you don’t want to” and started sipping it like it was a totally normal thing to be doing. The hell? Who said I didn’t want to? I ALWAYS want to! That child sure is lucky he’s adorable! You don’t mess with a mama’s coffee unless you want to unleash the wrath of a woman who hasn’t had a full night of sleep in YEARS. In case you didn’t know- that is NOT something you EVER want to do. You’re welcome.
One unfunny and more weepy Holdenism:
The boys and me were watching “Up”- probably for the 20th time- when Holden said something that really got to me.
Anyone who has seen the movie knows that in the beginning, it’s implied that Carl & Ellie can’t have children. I think this was the first time that Holden really understood that part. A few minutes later, we had this conversation:
Parker: Mommy, is she sick?
Me: Maybe. I’m not sure.
Holden: did she die?
Me: Yes. That’s why Mr. Fredricksen is alone now.
Holden: I wish they could have had a child.
He realized that had Carl & Ellie had children, Carl wouldn’t be alone after she passed.
“I’m a pretty good artist… at making peoples MINDS BLOWN!” – Holden
Look, I may have pushed him out of my hoo-ha, but that doesn’t mean I understand him! Also, I think he watches too much Regular Show.
My friend came over for lunch, and the boys immediately started diarrheaing from the mouth about how both of the dogs got fixed, and of course, per usual, Holden got carried away and told my friend that during the procedure, our female dog had her heart cut out and that’s when Parker said “Aurora is a girl; she doesn’t HAVE a heart!”
I’m not sure whether to be offended, or concerned…. that he knows our secret!
I hope you enjoyed reading these half as much as I enjoyed experiencing them. Well.. some of them not at the time, but definitely now!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times