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A practical (and slightly gross) guide to periods: The shit mom DIDN’T tell you!

woman

Getting your period is one of the most feminine things you can do other than growing a miniature human in your stomach. It’s something only other women truly understand, “Hail to the V!” and all that pro-vagina nonsense.  It’s the very first sign that we really are on the path to becoming a REAL woman (because clearly we were only fake women before our ovaries were exploding). Moms and daughters celebrate, FINALLY! I’M GROWING UP! Next stop? Boob-city!

My mom discussed with me the difference in pads and tampons (but sadly not sizes of tampons which I found out the hard way). She bought me midol and chocolate and we celebrated my journey into womanhood. I thought I was prepared. I had the knowledge! I had the facts! I had everything I needed to overcome the obstacles and hurdles my lady parts might throw at me!

I was wrong.

Mom didn’t tell me everything I needed to know. NEEDED TO KNOW, people! Tampons and pads may be trial and error, but there are things we SHOULD be teaching these flowering females that are just as, if not MORE important to know than your regular run of the mill “Okay honey, you’re gonna have cramps and you shouldn’t wear white pants!” type of advice.

PMS does not always stand for “putting up with men’s shit”. I spent years wondering where my man hating rage was, but it never came. Sad face.
Apparently, every uterus has its very own unique (and bitchy) personality, which means that everyone’s brand of PMS is different, so I suppose there is still reason for men to be afraid; VERY afraid. You won’t always get cranky or angry or hate the whole world; maybe you won’t EVER feel that way! Sometimes you might just bloat up like a dead cow in a hot pasture and try to remedy that by shoving a super-sized order of McDonald’s fries down your throat, which will only succeed in making you MORE bloated, but at least that insatiable craving for salt will shut the hell up!

Although you have finally received your woman card once your period begins tormenting you, and you want to spin in a meadow like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music because you’re so damn happy to finally be growing up, it should probably be immediately revoked. This most womanly of things also brings disgusting manly things along with it. What? How? Period poops and toxic anus-burning farts. Never have you had the misfortune of smelling anything so disgusting before.

The best I can figure is that the uterus sets off a nuclear chain reaction. If it’s going down, it’s taking the rest of you with it! Your boobs hurt, your back hurts, your hoo-ha aches, your stomach cramps, and whatever you put in your belly to try to console yourself is instantly converted into the stankiest half-solid poos of your LIFE.  For a long time, I thought this was just something that happened to me. Psh. I’m not that special. Period poos is a REAL THING! SPREAD THE WORD!

Those tampon and pad commercials with the chick in a WHITE BATHING SUIT doing a backflip into the pool, and the other chick happily doing cartwheels are filthy fucking liars. A more accurate commercial would be a chick in stretchy clothes, curled up into the fetal position while cramming chocolate and potato chips in her mouth and muttering about cramps. No one with half a brain would ever test fate by wearing a WHITE bathing suit while on their period. That’s just asking for your uterus to go all Carrie on your ass and dump a bucket of blood out of your hoo-ha.

If none of the above applies to you, for the love of all that is holy do NOT rub that shit in other women’s faces. Obviously, we’re crazy, and we will cut you!

Posted on December 18, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 22 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • My mom told me nothing about periods. I went to school one day feeling yucky and complained about wanting to stay home, but I was made to go to school (this was the seventh grade). Then I discovered at school that blood was coming out of me in a place I didn’t know it would and hoped it would stop. But it didn’t, and by the afternoon I called home for my mom to come pick me up, my pants all bloody, and it was then after a very embarrassing day of school did she tell me about periods. I wasn’t the only girl who apparently had a mother too shameful to tell their daughter about this part of their lives, a few other girls in my class I learned later on went through the same thing. I wish my mother would have told me about it. She would have saved me a lot of embarrassment.

  • 😀

    My mother told me like so when I asked what a period was. “Well, once a month you will bleed from your vagina.”

    “What?! When?!” I cried out in fear.

    “Don’t worry, every woman has it.”

    “For how long?”

    “Until you get a certain age, like 50 or so.”

    I cried. My life was ruined!

    Thanks for sharing this. It’s a great reminder that it helps to take the time and explain everything the right way. I believe the connotation of pain would not have been there is my mother would have chosen a better word like “discharge” rather than “bleed”. I think I would have taken the news a bit better. lol

  • I seriously thought period poop was just something that happened to me for over a decade. The world must have been truly terrifying before the internet.

  • I had mine when I was 10 years old…1978 Summer time – at school during gym!
    No one ever told me that shit be happening such as this!
    Bled all over the bars in gym glass while in the midst of doing loop de loo’s!
    Oh such fine memories!! NOT!!!
    Thanks for posting this! 🙂

  • OMG, the period poops…I go a couple days thinking I NEED to poop…and nothing, then all of a sudden, Poopapalooza…I know the red tide is coming in…lol. Luckily Sex Ed covered the whole period thing otherwise idk if I’d know what was happening…my mom was supportive once it happened, but I was the 3rd girl out of 4 kids, maybe she was just tired of the talk? Just glad I didn’t go on that 2 week long Camp Wilderness class my school had…

  • Oh. My. GOD!!! I learned about boobs and my period from “Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret” in 4th grade. The teacher read it to the girls while another teacher read something to the boys-I never did find out what! My mother showed me where the pads were-nothing was ever mentioned about tampons, I found that out much later from a friend, I believe. That was it-no more was said until the weekend that our cousins were staying over the summer I was 12. We went swimming and I had the most HORRENDOUS stomach ache-kept going to the bathroom but couldn’t “go” and the cramps wouldn’t go away! Do you think my Mother would say “oh, sounds like you’re going to start your period-let’s get you some chocolate!”??? NOOOOOOOOO!!! NO one, not Mom, not my sister (who started at 9, some 6 years earlier) and not my older cousin. When I started, I found the pads, figured out how to make one work and suffered through the cramps. WONDERFUL way to enter “WOMANHOOD”! NOT! Oh, and just so you women know, when you hit peri-menopause and then enter into full blown menopause, it gets even better. I got horrible period diharrea, floods rather than flows and hot flashes to boot. Now that that is all gone (THANK YOU MOTHER NATURE!!!) things are much better-except that I no longer want to use that part of my body since I think it’s been used and abused enough. My husband doesn’t get it-literally and figuratively! LOL

  • My mom signed me up for a class. There were probably 10-20 girls in there and they talked to use about all sorts of fun stuff. But I definitely don’t remember them warning me about the pooping. I was in my 20s before I started realizing that frequent poops were a sign my period was coming.

    Other than that class the only “talk” we had was in the car on the way to school one morning, must have been my senior year of high school (Mom was a teacher). Two of my friends were in the car – Mom was driving. She looked at me and said “Now when you get to college there are going to be boys, drugs, and sex EVERYWHERE. And you don’t need to do any of it!”

    Also, holy crap your CAPTCHA is cute.

  • I got my period when I was 10. In math class. I had NO idea and bled all over my chair. I had to call my mom for a change of clothes and my teacher made me clean the desk chair before I could come back to class. I was MORTIFIED!!

    Also, I thought I was the only one that suffered from period poops. I would get hot flashes with mine and so much pain I wanted to cry. I asked my gyno about it and all he said was “It’s the hormones from you cycle that causes it.” So I yelled, ” Then give me something to make the shit stop! PUN INTENDED ASSHOLE!!”

    I had to find a new doctor after telling him like that. Period poops are the worst part of the period for me!

  • I kinda knew about my uterus exploding every month for a lovely 4 days of pure hell. The things my mom didn’t tell me, the preperiod signs. Achey boobs, terrible irratible moods, bloat. I thought I was going to turn into a praying mantis and kill someone!
    After everything started, I was in so much pain. Oh, it was horrible. I’ll be sure to tell my daughter everything needed to know about that horror! Not just the difference between pads and tampons and don’t wear white and ALWAYS carry a pad or tampon with you because you just don’t know when it’ll hit.
    Thanks for the post.

  • I was a late bloomer. I didn’t start until I was almost 14, so by that time I knew the basics, due to health class and not being the oldest girl. I had a lot to learn on my own though. First that just because you don’t see any spotting for a day or two doesn’t mean that it’s over. A stained dress during the middle of a school day proved that. Learned never to wear anything but my rattiest panties, because no matter how absorbent or where you position the pad, the flow will find its way to the cloth. Same goes for wearing anything but dark pants. The things we woman have to learn about our own bodies on our own could fit in a whole set of encyclopedias.

  • Ugh. I knew it was coming. Generally speaking. But it still caught me off guard during a bathroom break during my 7th grade English class. Ended up going down to the nurse’s office, cleaned up and got a pad and was able to keep my jeans on. Got a note and headed back to class. Almost got a dressing down from my teacher for being gone 15 minutes till I gave him the note. I know a lot of Moms these days send a pack to school w/spare underwear, pants, pads and wipes. Wipes are key, especially with period poops.

  • This is genuinely awful, and not the article, no that was fan-frickin’-tabulous, but the staggering lack of education about what happens physically to us girlies during periods! It just so happens that I was 11 when “Aunt Flo” (the bastard woman that she is) came into to town the first time. Aaaaand of course my mother was in Hawai’i for two weeks leaving me with a father that I was not close with and had awkward interactions with in the first place to field this horribly embarrassing first in my life. I vowed that day, and every day after I found out that I was having a baby girl, that my daughter would NEVER have to deal with that. So I started educating her early. I bought pads when her pediatrician said that she could start within two years from now. I told her how to use them and where I put them, and even put two in her backpack (just in case something happened to her OR a friend at school). Periods suck, and I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to go through their first one in any of the ways I read here, or my own scarring story. The thing is, sexual education is my passion, stemming from that horrible onset of “womanhood” but blossomed into wanting others to know the truth about their bodies (including boys knowing what girls go through and girls knowing what boys go through, even tho neither will completely understand). It saddens me to know that SO MANY people share the same humiliating story! Articles like this one help even a little bit to share knowledge about some pretty difficult stuff. Period poops? You bet! Hormones are nasty little effers that treat your body as their personal torture chamber, and cause our butt-holes to poop our guts out as a sign of our coming menstruation (Hail to the female chief!). PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE share the knowledge with your daughters (and sons) because the lack of knowledge is isolating, and none of us want that for ourselves or our kiddos. Any ways, great little article. =D End Rant.

  • When my first period struck, it was HORRIBLE. I freaked out so bad, again like so many of you it was in the middle of school. I was irritable, cranky, I thought I was going to become some freak show of I-Will-Kill-You-All! Luckily I had a friend that had gone through it not too soon before-hand so she helped…
    I suppose nowadays I can count my blessings that I’m not regular, I get maybe one period every three months? Cramps still happen but my god no blood is a blessing!

  • I was stuck out of state with bio-dad and new stepmom when the time hit… And she was kind enough to help me out, by buying me a pack of giant mattress-sized pads. I hated periods so much I was on progesterone-only contraception for almost the entirety of my 20s to shut that party down. Since resuming periods about 2 years ago (consequently remembering why I opted out for so long), one one of my friends convinced me to switch to a menstrual cup – and there have been NO leaks or nasty pads or tampons to dispose of. Still get earth-shattering cramps and period poops, but at least I can wear what I want and am no longer irritated by a pad or a string touching my lady bits all day!

  • Hilarious, and so true.

    I was at a friend’s house when mine hit for the first time. I’d had no talk about it from anyone growing up, so when it happened I panicked. Especially considering I had been asleep, in my friend’s bed, in her pajamas. It was… terrifying waking up in a puddle of blood. ._. A lot of white turned red that day.
    My dad also panicked when I got home and told him about it, as I’m the eldest daughter. Thankfully his girlfriend at the time was there to help sort everything out. My sister made fun of me each time it came until she got hers. Not a single period goes by that I wish I were male instead. The cramps and bloating are horrendous, not to mention the loss of appetite. 🙁

  • OMG! All of this is so trte. Period poo is horrible. Don’t even get me started on period farts!! Mom warned me about the farts but I didn’t get it until I experienced it for myself. Anyone who hasn’t had the misfortune of experiencing a period fart….you’re lucky. Oh so lucky! Toxic doesn’t even begin to go there

  • My mom wouldn’t let me use tampons because she said they would ruin my virginity. So I had to “ride the saddle” (pad) until late into high school, when I overruled her and started with tampons.

  • Love this article!! Just wanted to add my biggest gripe with my period is trying to get from shower to drying off and putting on clothes because mine is so heavy. Damn bathroom looks like a crime scene. They gave us girls a pamphlet in 4th grade “My body’s changing” or some shit like that and I’ll never forget the page about showering, it stated your body will know it’s in the bath and will stop the blood flow until you are dried and putting on a clean sanitary napkin. Are you F’n kidding me? So for my younger years I thought there was something very wrong with my periods but thank God for friends – who else can you ask the disgusting and embarrassing questions to? LOL We have come a long way in terms of discussing periods but there is still a long way to go. Atleast it’s not such a taboo topic these days. I’m off to stink up the bathroom and then inhale some double chocolate cookies.

  • I’m lucky enough to not suffer from the farts but then I’m not overly windy lol. But my god the cramps that go along with the period poos are something else! My periods were always heavy and ridiculously painful from when I stated at 11 luckily I was at home the first time it was just after school I went to the loo after getting in and had just started to bleed so embarrassment averted and as there was just my mum, older sister and I at home I was well aware of what was happening. Not that having that knowledge meant shit when it came to dealing with period pains so intense they hurt across my front all the way through to my back and down my thighs so much that I couldn’t get out of bed except to crawl to the toilet and the fact that every time you go for a wee it looks like you’ve massacred someone in the toilet. I was put on the pill at the age of 13 by the doctor to help control the bleeding and the cramps and it did a fine job for all the years I took it my period lasted four days done and dusted and that included the psych it likes to give you, when your period makes out like it’s all done for the month then returns a day later just in time to spoil a pair of your nicer prettier underwear. But since falling pregnant with my fourth child whilst on the pill and not discovering that I was even preggo until I was about 16 weeks gone and it being my fourth C-section I had best be sterilised so that’s what they did while they had me open. Voi la! you may think, no more worrying about contraception or the possibility of ever having to go through pregnancy again for that girl and while this is true this is tempered with the fact that as a result of being sterilised and no longer being on the pill, my periods have returned to the ten plus days of constant bleeding, severe cramps and over a weeks worth of period poos every month that I thought I’d left behind 20 years ago along with the more recent and extremely unwelcome addition of a thumping headache the day or two before I’m due on. Periods suck holes and I’m trying to warn and prepare, to the best of my abilities, my oldest daughter whose 10 and a half and is probably due to start any time soon if her attitude is anything to go by so I will be sharing this blog with her. Cheers Jenny xx

  • I’m 37 years old and only over the last year have I discovered period poops. I was beginning to wonder what the hell was going on! Thanks for posting 🙂

  • I think I have an idea what period poops are. Usually before every period, I would take a big dump. I’m not even ashamed to admit this either. It feels so good taking a big dump and then you finally get your period! I hate PMSing, but I’m happy and relieved when I get my period. Thanks to my good plumming.