You say “Terrible Twos”, I say “Age Discrimination”!

terribleWhen Holden was just a baby, all anyone seemed to want to do was warn us. “This is the easy part!” they’d say; “just wait until he gets older!” they’d say. I thought it was strange that when it came to my baby getting older, opinions from other parents were evenly split between the ever-obnoxious “enjoy it while it lasts!” and “it all goes downhill from here.”

Beware, BEWARE the terrible twos! You might just lose your mind before you make it through!

I had my ass-cheeks clenched so tight for Holden’s entire second year of life that not even a fart could escape. It came and went and…. that was it? THAT was the “terrible” twos? Pssshhhhhhhh, everyone’s just a big fat baby! Terrible twos! Snort! More like TERRIFIC! Bring on the threes!

Ask and ye shall receive. The twos were not terrible- not even with the addition of a baby brother- but three was a nightmare. When three was over, a sense of relief washed over me, only to be replaced by the fours- which were even worse. That was when I looked to Parker, 2 years younger than Holden. I thought, well, at least I know the twos aren’t so terrible, so even though Holden’s being an asshole- it’ll ONLY be Holden.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Never assume with parenthood.

Parker’s twos were terrible, alright, and with every age it only gets WORSE. Same with Holden! The sassiness, the whining, the ‘tude- OH MY! After two, not only do those 3 things get worse, but they now have the vocabulary to match it. Yes, of course, we love our children. Most of the time they are fantastic little people who impress us with how smart, thoughtful, and loving they can be, but as long as we’re being honest (and we always are here) they are AWFUL! All of’em! Every single one of them has their moments. Many moments. And every passing day I get closer and closer to what I am sure will be the breaking point for my sanity.

So why is it that only the age of 2 gets recognized with a catchy little nickname? Give credit where it is due! 2 shouldn’t get ALL the glory! These other horrific ages are being discriminated against, and I think it’s time that nonsense stops!

How about terrorist threes, holy fuck fours, “fuck ME!” fives, suckass sixes, sassy-ass sevens, irrational eights and naysaying nines? It’s a wonder any of us make it to our kids’ double digits.

Stop age discrimination! They’re all assholes in their own ways, and deserve recognition for it!

Posted on November 11, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • This is so totally true. Two was ok, three was bad, and four is AWFUL. I’m dreading the double-digits.

  • Yyyep, lol. My son Orion will be three in December and for the past couple months it has been nonstop whining and acting like he is deaf. Screaming does nothing. It’s amazing really.

  • LMAO!! I died laughing, had to have Hubby give the mouth to mouth. All of mine are in double digits, and each had their own Horrific ages. Usually every damned year. Now, the youngest, is 14. Dear gawd, I want to kill her one minute, and revel in her sassiness the next. Pushing for independence, but wanting me to do it all. Four years, that’s all I have left. Then I can mourn and remember all the gushy hugs, laughs and completely forget those times I wanted to run away …