When Holden was just a baby, all anyone seemed to want to do was warn us. “This is the easy part!” they’d say; “just wait until he gets older!” they’d say. I thought it was strange that when it came to my baby getting older, opinions from other parents were evenly split between the ever-obnoxious “enjoy it while it lasts!” and “it all goes downhill from here.”
Beware, BEWARE the terrible twos! You might just lose your mind before you make it through!
I had my ass-cheeks clenched so tight for Holden’s entire second year of life that not even a fart could escape. It came and went and…. that was it? THAT was the “terrible” twos? Pssshhhhhhhh, everyone’s just a big fat baby! Terrible twos! Snort! More like TERRIFIC! Bring on the threes!
Ask and ye shall receive. The twos were not terrible- not even with the addition of a baby brother- but three was a nightmare. When three was over, a sense of relief washed over me, only to be replaced by the fours- which were even worse. That was when I looked to Parker, 2 years younger than Holden. I thought, well, at least I know the twos aren’t so terrible, so even though Holden’s being an asshole- it’ll ONLY be Holden.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Never assume with parenthood.
Parker’s twos were terrible, alright, and with every age it only gets WORSE. Same with Holden! The sassiness, the whining, the ‘tude- OH MY! After two, not only do those 3 things get worse, but they now have the vocabulary to match it. Yes, of course, we love our children. Most of the time they are fantastic little people who impress us with how smart, thoughtful, and loving they can be, but as long as we’re being honest (and we always are here) they are AWFUL! All of’em! Every single one of them has their moments. Many moments. And every passing day I get closer and closer to what I am sure will be the breaking point for my sanity.
So why is it that only the age of 2 gets recognized with a catchy little nickname? Give credit where it is due! 2 shouldn’t get ALL the glory! These other horrific ages are being discriminated against, and I think it’s time that nonsense stops!
How about terrorist threes, holy fuck fours, “fuck ME!” fives, suckass sixes, sassy-ass sevens, irrational eights and naysaying nines? It’s a wonder any of us make it to our kids’ double digits.
Stop age discrimination! They’re all assholes in their own ways, and deserve recognition for it!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times