I’m just gonna come right out and say it: I can’t stand watching people kiss on TV.
All the lips, and the smacking sounds, and for some reason it always looks like one person is trying to eat the other person’s face like they snorted bath salts or something… I don’t know. I’m not a shy person. OBVIOUSLY I had to like someone else enough to produce two children with them. Occasionally I enjoy some good old fashioned spooning, and I smother the SHIT out of my kids with affection, so I can’t really explain why I hate watching other people kiss other than to say… it’s just weird! Anyone remember that horrific Super Bowl commercial with Bar Rafaeli where it was just her and a dude disgustingly smacking lips? (I won’t horrify you by embedding it, but if you wish to kill your libido for a week- click here) That shit was downright disturbing and just makes me wonder… WHY? Why do we do this? This is weird. It’s very weird.
Come to think of it, everything about being a human is weird.
Am I the only one who thinks this way? Maybe I’m weird for thinking it, but seriously… we’re a strange species.
Pause for a minute and walk down this path with me.
Other animals only do the horizontal mambo to procreate (minus maybe one other species), meanwhile, to show our affection for one another, we humans put our mouths on each other’s mouths. If we REALLY like each other, we swish our tongues around. Gah. I just cringed.
There are species of spiders out there, after they’ve mated, the female kills the male. Yet we human females (in a “nuclear” type situation) let the dude stick around and eat all of our food. The fuck?
Animals can poop and pee wherever they please, yet we have to find a bathroom? You and I both know that some bathrooms are downright disgusting, yet we have to use it over a nice clean bush or patch of clovers?
Cats sleep all day long, and we spend the day watching videos of cats when they’re not sleeping. This makes no sense to me.
WE WEAR PANTS. Need I say anymore?
Wait, yes. Not just pants, but clothes. Layers of clothes. Which we have to take off in order to bathe ourselves, and then we put them all back on. We even have different clothes we wear to bed.
Other species probably get to do cool things like talk to each other with their minds. How the hell else would one dog know when I was petting the other if we were silent while doing so? Psychics. Must be nice.
Now, before you start worrying that I’m going to strip butt-ass naked and go become one with nature, remember that I am a spoiled human. A female one. Who loves clothes. And clean toilets. And not squatting. And toilet paper. And cheesecake. And shoes.
We don’t have to lick our own parts to get clean- or lick our KIDS’ asses to get THEM clean. Holy ew! We rarely get fleas or ticks, and this whole shelter thing? Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. I do also have quite the affinity for human food.
Still… I want to know who sat down and decided that putting their mouth on another person’s mouth was the ideal way to say “I care about you”. The first first kiss must have been mighty awkward.
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
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