The holiday season is officially here! For me, it’s been pretty damn festive since before Halloween, but most people don’t consider it “the holidays” until after October has passed. Party poopers. I guess if we’re labeling “holidays” as the beginning of the STRESS that circulates the air this time of year, then yeah- Halloween would have to be left out. The panic that Christmas is fast approaching doesn’t set in until the day after your neighborhood was full of Trick or Treaters and you walk into the grocery store (maybe for some digestive aides from eating too much candy) and BAM! CHRISTMAS EVERYWHERE! It’s like the North Pole threw up in there.
I haven’t even started shopping yet. I know that panic well. And that’s not the only damn stress that comes riding in on the back of a reindeer covered in jingle bells. It can be hard to make it to the new year without wrapping yourself in tinsel, crawling under the tree and screaming for Santa to take you with him. SWEET ANGEL OF MERCY JUST TAKE ME NOW!
As much as I love all the time I get to spend with family thanks to the holidays, I also dread it.
For some reason, some part of the meal always has to be ruined. Someone ends up barfing somewhere; usually under the table. Someone gets butthurt and fights ensue over the stupidest shit imaginable. Nothing is done on time and people start complaining that they’re hungry when there are plenty of things to eat while they wait, and you can’t wait either so you start picking at shit and damnit, by the time the main dishes are ready you aren’t even hungry anymore. Something inevitably gets dropped, broken, or spilled. The kids act like raging psychopaths and aren’t even interested in the food that DIDN’T get ruined, and you eat so much it hurts and you forgot to wear your fat pants.
or is that just me…
Anyway- there’s really only one simple step to alleviate this problem, and that is rum. Or vodka. Or beer. Or tequila. Or (GAK) eggnog. Pick your poison.
Then at least if someone drops, breaks, or fights over something, you won’t give a single solitary shit.
Just don’t mix them. As much as we love holiday meals, no one wants to see them again after they’ve been chewed and swallowed.
Oh, and pie. Pie makes everything better.
Person on tv: Age is just a number! 10yo: Yeah, a number that pulls you closer to death.
Party animal over here pic.twitter.com/OVpKPuu4Yc
Proving to my kids that they ARE Friends goo.gl/fb/QbSSNp
Writing my next book Me: My period inspired a whole new chapter! Husband: Your lack of period inspired a whole book... Me: pic.twitter.com/fpNHwnYeAF
The card my kid made me at school. I truly don't know why I expected anything different 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/T7nai0ycqS
Valentine's Day before 4pm and I'm already putting on pajamas because my uterus is bloated to the size of a Buick and erupting like Mount Vesuvius so I guess you could say I'm feeling PRETTY romantic.