We always make out pretty good on Halloween in the candy department, but this year blew all other years out of the water. We have candy coming out the wazoo! I know when I type wazoo it sounds like a slang term for vagina, and there’s definitely not candy coming out of my lady parts- ying yang? No… same effect. BUTTLOAD. We got a BUTTLOAD of candy. So much candy that I honestly think it is going to last us PAST next Halloween. Yes, that much. It’s pure and total insanity. It’s also wonderful. I love candy. I love Halloween. I love Halloween candy.
I know that Halloween has now passed, but I am going to tell YOU how to score a buttload of candy on next year’s Halloween. Y’know… if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m also going to show you how we achieved this winning look:
First and foremost: Don’t just dress your kids up. Dress up WITH them! Even better? Picking a theme! People love that shit. We went as a rag-tag crew of zombies. It makes sense having nothing to do with each other- because zombies are dumb, and AS IF they’re going to stay with their families! Psh. I was zombie Belle with slashes from beast across my face. Holden was a zombie businessman, Parker was a zombie cowboy who had just been bitten and not yet turned (really he just refused face paint at the last second) and Thomas was an overgrown zombie boy scout.
People gave us extra candy just for being in costume with our kids. Even more when they realized it was a theme.
Tip #2: Do not go to a neighborhood where everyone and their mother’s cousin’s brother’s families go just because they give out the “good candy.” It might be good, but it’s still limited, and children (especially little ones) are slooooooow. Trick or Treat in a neighborhood where hardly ANYONE does. Not only will the people with their porch lights on be happy to see you because it means they didn’t waste their time and cancel their plans for absolutely nothing- but they will give you MORE of the candy they have because they know they won’t be seeing many people, and many people don’t want to keep a buttload of candy in the house after Halloween. The buttload shall be yours! I can’t tell you how many houses we went to where the people who were passing out candy filled the boys’ buckets. FILLED. EVERY TIME. We always take an extra bag along because the boys are whiny turds and start complaining that their buckets are “too heavy”- so we dump them into one big bag every so often. That bag filled. Fast.
Those are my top 2 tips! You will be so overloaded with candy just LOOKING at it all will make your ass expand.
And now, for EASY zombie costuming and makeup tips
1. Don’t buy manufactured zombie costumes. They are so painfully stupid I can’t even stand it. Go to the thrift store at the beginning of Halloween season. They have tons of costumes under 5 bucks- and not all of them are cheesy trash-bag type crap. I got the Belle dress (which really is her dress, just less intricate) for 3.00. We found Parker’s vest in the costume area, and we bought the clothes from the boys section. Holden was all stuff from the boys section. Thomas’ we found at a thrift store in the men’s section- why it was there, I don’t know. You can find all kinds of shit. You just gotta look!
2. You are now going to need to distress these costumes. I’ve never seen a clean zombie. Well, I’ve never actually seen ANY zombies, but you know.. movies, TV, and things of that nature. Zombies are dirty and bloody. My friend made blood with raspberry jello. We bought it from the Halloween stores. Dirt? Dirt is fucking FREE, y’all. Take those costumes and kick them around in the dirt. Scrape them against the sidewalk. Take some scissors, jab holes all over the place, and get to rippin’. And get the kids involved! When else are they going to be allowed to completely destroy clothes?
For blood application, we put all the clothes in a bucket and dumped a bottle of blood over them and mixed them around like zombie soup.
3. Now it’s time for makeup. You’re dead, remember? Dead people don’t look so good. I am going to embed the two videos we used to create bite marks, slashes, and the pale-faced “dead” look. Toilet paper and glue are about to become your BFFs
It’s a wonder what a little blending can do!
Not bad for my first time (snort)!
Simple, fun, REALLY DIRTY, and a two year supply of candy. I consider that a win!
So accurate it's painful pic.twitter.com/B9KQlSx3NO
This is what is winning me EVERY argument EVER. it's a low down dirty mom trick, but I'll take what I can get! holdinholden.com/2017/03/mom-…
Told myself I was going to eat healthier this year, but it's already become obvious that what I meant by that was "eat more tacos"
Mom vs. Kids: How to win EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. goo.gl/fb/3ze4FW
Countdown to the apocalypse: 3.5 days, 3.5 hours. Oh, did I say apocalypse? I meant spring break. Same thing.
Get on it, oil people!! pic.twitter.com/xgXSB34uGf