All I want for Christmas, Mom edition

While I think it is WAY too early to be decking the halls (one holiday at a time, people!), itcmas is NEVER too early to start planning, buying, hiding, layawaying… whatever it is you need to do to get everything you need for the big day. Just no hall-decking, please!

I don’t usually ask for anything because I’m cheap, and because honestly- seeing the joy on the kids’ faces when they open something I picked out is really enough for me.
I KNOW. GAH. Don’t throw things at me! I know it’s face-punchingly cheesy, and disgustingly sappy, but it’s true! I’m not a little kid; I don’t get disappointed when I wake up on Christmas morning and there’s nothing under the tree for me.

This year is different. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and there is something I REALLY want.

Once I became a mom, naturally, my priorities, wants, and needs changed. When you’re young with no responsibilities, what you put on a list of things that you want, or would be thrilled to receive, are vastly different. From extravagances like electronics, ridiculously overpriced purses, and silly things like designer boots and perfumes, my wants are more practical these days. Those things are all still NICE to have, but they have been bumped way down my list. I never thought I would be jumping up and down happy on Christmas morning if someone bought me a steam-vac or a Dyson, but that is what excites mom-me. I don’t understand the TV shows or stories where a wife/mom loses her SHIT because her husband DARED to buy her a treadmill for Christmas. “YOU MUST THINK I’M FAT! NOW YOU MUST DIE!”
Nope. Not accurate. Get me a treadmill and I will thank you for not making me go outside and run where people can point and laugh. I am not cute when I work out. Bless you.
I wouldn’t cry tears of anger, I’d cry tears of JOY if under that tree was a shiny new washing machine. Of course, I would hope it wasn’t actually small enough to fit UNDER the tree, but you get what I mean!

I’m not asking for any of those this year, though. I’m asking for something far better and more beneficial to the entire household. It’s a tall order, but I REALLY want this, and honestly, I think I deserve it!

The one thing I really, truly, DESPERATELY want for Christmas is….. To sleep in!

sleepGASP! I know. I dream big. I have not TRULY slept in since I was about 6 months pregnant with Holden. That was 6.5 years ago, y’all. It’s been a LONG time. I’m not asking for a full 8 hours here. I’m not asking to stay in bed all day. All I want is to sleep past 8am.

I don’t want any of that half-assed “let’s go downstairs and say we’ll be quiet” crap. We all know that never works out.  If I hear the kids awake, I can’t sleep. It is either a mom thing or a me thing, because Thomas can have a full fucking REM cycle while the kids loudly destroy the house but one whisper or creak of a bedroom door and I shoot out of bed like it’s on fire. What’s going to need to happen is either soundproofing the bedroom, or putting muzzles on my wild crotchfruit. I’m not crazy or unrealistic, I realize neither of those things are going to happen… so I think the other adult in this house that can sleep through anything and makes me want to spork him in the taint is going to need to shell out some cash for a night in a hotel. For me. Not him. He gets to stay with the kids and feel my pain, while I sleep in SILENCE. Well, with one of my lady friends. They’ll let me spoon without expecting a happy ending.

Oh, and room service in the morning. I don’t want to have to try to look human just to eat breakfast. At noon.

It’s amazing what one morning of not being shocked out of bed by your kid stealing all of your covers or yelling like a tween at a One Direction show before the sun has risen can do for someone’s sanity. Not that I’d know from experience or anything… but I have an active imagination.

Posted on November 6, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Gasp! You DARE ask for the holy sleep?!?!?! How could you?!

    I know EXACTLY what you mean. I don’t ever get a day to sleep in either. One noise and it’s all over. My imagination runs wild with these noises. I hear a thunk and think one of the kids’ finally got dad’s head to pop off, or the toaster exploded, or they discovered how to create an atom bomb using the microwave. Hey it could happen right? My husband could probably sleep through the sporking to the taint though. How sad. Men. Asshats.

  • oooooooh.. That sounds just LOVELY…

    But, I’m with the above commentor… THE HOLY SLEEP?!?! That’s a big order right there…


  • Theresa Strickland December 20, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    When I had my youngest, my other 2 were only 2 and 4. Sleep was a word that was no longer in my vocabulary for the longest time. It gets better though!! At least it did for me! My kids (15, 12, & 10) like to sleep til noon!! The only days they absolutely HAVE to be up early are the mornings they have Live Lessons of if there’s somewhere we need to be. So maybe you’ll get lucky and your kids will want to sleep in too when they get older.