I have this sinking feeling that putting together this blog will bring weirdos and mega-pervs to this lil’ blog for YEARS to come. Weren’t the random searches for “clown tits” weird enough?? Your kids have doomed me!
Recently, Parker went stomping through the house yelling “I WANT GOLDBITCHES IN MY MOUTH!” and after I picked my jaw up off of the floor, I realized that was not what he was saying at all. It’s good thing, too, because I was starting to worry that the kid was frequenting strip clubs late at night and had gotten hooked on naked ladies covered in body paint.
While some parents might be mortified by this mispronunciation, I couldn’t help but to laugh. A lot. Especially since the kid was REALLY mad about not getting some Goldbitches. Mostly I laughed because I know that this happens to EVERYONE! It takes kids a while to learn to say certain things correctly, and for SOME reason, until they do, they mispronounce words in the most AWKWARD and embarrassing way possible. Usually in public. Knowing that- I asked YOU lovely readers to submit the worst mispronunciations your precious crotchfruit have ever said… and holy shitballs did you answer.
Overwhelmed with emails, reading through them I came to realize something rather… shocking. Disturbing.
Kids seem to mispronounce a vast array of words to sound like a NOT so vast array of other words. Almost everything they say wrong comes out as Dick. Seriously- DICK. And other words that I dare not even type! Sweet little children… talking about… let’s just say that it’s a good thing they weren’t REALLY saying what they were saying. We’d all be doomed to live in the principal’s office as soon as those turds started school.
Brace yourselves- because here come some of the most hilarious stories of words gone wrong that I received!
The Bowel Babes:
When my niece was 3 or 4 she LOVED Cheez-Its. She would always ask my sister for “Cheese shits.”
“Mo cheese shits, peas. Mmmmm cheese shits!”
She turned 12 last week and I still crack up about cheese shits!
Toddler Talk (find them on Facebook!)
My 4 year old daughter can’t seem to pronounce the f sound. So face becomes pace, phone becomes pone. And food becomes pood. That’s where my story begins.
We were at a nice restaurant one night last year or so with my mom. She somehow managed to spill food on herself, in her squealing and freaking out (she hates being dirty) she also got it in her hair.
So she’s screaming “I got pood in my lap! Its all over my hair and eben on my pace! There’s pood in my hair! It’s a mess, all ober the table! Pood is eberywhere!!!'”
With her screaming, it sounded an awful lot like she was saying there was poo everywhere. Oh, the stares we got that night.
Doodles and Berries:
Well my soon to be step-daughter is 3 almost 4, so one day she went shopping with her aunt, then me and my fiance met up with both of them for an all you can eat buffet.
Things were going great and we left to go wait for the bus. Well all of a sudden all you hear from her is “I want my cock” we all looked at her as though she was crazy but she repeated “I want my big cock please”. None of us knew what she was talking about so she went into one of the bags and pulled our a BIG box of sidewalk chalk, she pointed at it and was like “see my big cock!”
Let me just say, were trying real hard to get her to pronounce it properly. But we can never look at chalk the same way.
My daughter is almost 5, and overheard me tell my boyfriend how ridiculous he was being about some oddball thing, who knows now. Anyways, she storms in the room, no clue what’s going on, and yells “YEAH JARED, YOU’RE DICKLESS!!” I nearly died of laughter.
My son is 4 and has trouble with the word stick. There is a video that was circulating the Internet years ago that was a redubbed version on the old GI Joe psa’s from the 80s. There’s one in particular that has the line “give him the stick, don’t give him the stick.” Lucas happened to see it one too many times!
Nothing turns heads as fast as a 4 year old yelling “give him the dick, don’t give him the dick!”
My son Nathan when he was 4 could not say his brothers name Jakkob (Jacob). He also couldn’t say “stick”. When we first moved to our new house that year Nathan found a big stick. He ran through our front yard yelling “Gaycock! Gaycock! Look at my big dick!” I still can’t tell that story without laughing!
When my niece was around 4 she was in the hospital, and my mother use to do what they called chair dancing my mother would sit in a chair and they would dance. So just as one of the nurses walked in to the room my mom and niece were “chair dancing’ my niece says to my mother ” Dick me granny ! Dick me ! “ so the nurse just looks at my mother and she breaks into this laugh chest grabbing laugh.
P….. Pu….. Nope, I still can’t type it! Shame on you, children!!
When my daughter was two she couldn’t say pickles so she told
many people “I like pussies. I like to eat pussies. They taste funny but pussies are my favorites”
My three year old has a hard time saying the letter “R” in words. Usually when he tells me to put on his shirt it comes out, “Mommy, can you put my shit on?” We were in the store one day browsing around the kids clothes when he freaks out and starts screaming, “Mommy, look at that shit it has pussy on it!” I kept trying to figure out what he was saying while all of the judgmental parents were staring at me with their evil eyes. Finally he points out a shirt with Percy from Thomas the Train on it. It was probably one of the funniest, most horrific moments I have had in public with him.
I almost murdered my youngest when she was 2. She was constantly screaming pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy! Turns out she meant PEPSI…OOPS
Children are so derogatory toward women!
My delightful eldest son loved Thomas the tank engine when he was 2. His favorite character was the fat controller (whom they now refer to as Sir Tomham Hat). He used to see him a lot in Mothercare baby supplies shop and Toys R Us, playgroup and home. Whenever her saw him he would yell his name at the top of his lungs. Sadly he couldn’t say it. What he yelled was “fuckit whore”. It took us quite a while to work it out, mainly because we were red faced and shamed. I would have far preferred him to have been so enamored by fish instead. He’s 14 now though, so I can totally take the piss out of him for it!
My three year old and his brother were playing in the back yard like any other Texas day. They had been running in and out showing me rocks, the dog, their trucks…you get the idea. My three year old ran through the door with tiny branches in each hand and proudly announced “These are my BITCHES!!!” I about DIED laughing. I kept trying to correct him through the giggles and fits of laughter that they were BRANCHES. Nope. Set on bitches. So if you ever wonder what those things are on your tree that hold the leaves. .. They are in fact bitches.
And some extras, just because!
My oldest son came home from 1st grade one day and was very proud of himself. He comes running in “Mommy, mommy I know what virgin means!” Stopping dead in my tracks wondering who taught my sweet little boy the word virgin, I take a deep breath and look at him and ask “What does it mean?” he looks up at me with those innocent blue eyes and says “you know, there are different virgins of this book”
I laughed, relieved…versions…who would have guessed?
My twins, oh how we love them. They have learned “Ring Around the Rosey”. They will spin faster than the washer getting ready to take flight singing “Wosey, posie, all DOWN!” All. Day. Long. The other day while we were shopping, they started singing the entire song at the top of their lungs.
“Wang around hoesie.
Pocket pull posie.
All fart drown!”
I’m trying not to laugh as my husband says, “I think they just wrote Miley’s new hit song.”
My story is about my older sister when she was little in the early to mid 80’s. My mom said she had to avoid suckers or lollipops because my sister’s s sound came out as a f. She discovered this when she went shopping one day. She went to check out and my sister started yelling, “I wanna fucker, Mommy! I see a fucker right there!” My mom said everyone started staring and she just about died right there!
When my former step-son was about 3, we were driving down the road one day when out of the blue he announces “I want a f–k when I’m old enough. “
I damn near wreck the car at hearing this and, like any parent would, I asked him to repeat what he had just said. “I want a f–k when I’m old enough.” he says again.
I try and remain calm and inquire a little more into exactly what it is he means. “I like f–ks!” he replies frustration in his voice. “Big Dodge f–k’s!”
Relieved, I explain to him that he was mispronouncing the word and I give him the proper way to say it. I was both horrified and trying to keep from laughing.
The only thing I can conclude from all of these hilarious stories is that we are all born potty-mouthed perverts, we just don’t know it yet.
Also- letting your kid watch or play with Thomas the Train is just ASKING for these situations to occur more often!
Person on tv: Age is just a number! 10yo: Yeah, a number that pulls you closer to death.
Party animal over here pic.twitter.com/OVpKPuu4Yc
Proving to my kids that they ARE Friends goo.gl/fb/QbSSNp
Writing my next book Me: My period inspired a whole new chapter! Husband: Your lack of period inspired a whole book... Me: pic.twitter.com/fpNHwnYeAF
The card my kid made me at school. I truly don't know why I expected anything different 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/T7nai0ycqS
Valentine's Day before 4pm and I'm already putting on pajamas because my uterus is bloated to the size of a Buick and erupting like Mount Vesuvius so I guess you could say I'm feeling PRETTY romantic.