As the mother of two young boys, I spend a solid chunk of time
freaking the fuck out thinking about the inevitable day that they stop thinking kissing is disgusting and begin looking at other human beings as things they’d like to kiss. It’s a terrifying thought. One I hope does not come to fruition for a very, VERY long time- but one that will come. When it does, if they happen to be interested in those of the female kind (which I get the feeling they will, but ya never know,) I want them to be prepared.
WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT CONDOMS HERE! GAH! THEY ARE STILL BABIES!(although yes, protection talks are also imminent.)
By “prepared”, what I mean is for the forming of a healthy relationship, for all of their future relationships- be they romantic or otherwise.
Okay, let me break it down very simply: Girls are emotional. Emotional and confusing, and at times complicated. Of course I understand women, I am one. I understand women and I don’t like women all that much because I do. Many males dive into the dating pool head first with not a damn CLUE of what they are doing and get burned. A lot. Then they spend the next few decades proclaiming that all women are completely insane, when what the truth really is, is that they don’t understand how to interact with women and poop all over their chances by saying or doing the most wrong things a man can do.
If my kids can avoid all that nonsense by going in with the upper hand- KNOWLEDGE- they’re golden! They won’t bring home crazies, because they will be able to determine between just normal girl crazy and certifiable crazy, and more women in the world will be happy because they will be with men (my little men) who treat them right.
Who better to teach them about females than their own mother? Stop. Don’t say or think a single thing. It’s true! I am the best one to give them advice. Brutally honest advice that no one else can dispense.
Maybe you’re thinking I’m going the traditional route here- teaching them respect, patience, kindness, tact. That’s all a given. That’s what everyone will tell them to have. That’s all well and good, but there are other things equally as important to maintaining a strong relationship that doesn’t end in face-slaps or batshit craziness. Things that males don’t know unless they are told, because they are not females. Things many people overlook teaching young males. Not me!
You’re welcome, future dates. I’m about to save your relationships and emotional scarring and the dreaded bitch-slap.
First of all- never call a girl “crazy” unless you want to SEE crazy. Find a different word, young sons. Also, if you think she is being crazy, don’t tell her to calm down. Telling a woman to calm down will make her lose her shit. Not kidding. Thing is, many times, when we seem mad to you, we are calm. Men immediately go on the defensive and that is when things get ugly. Just talk to her as if you would any time you don’t think she’s acting “crazy.” It will blow over.
Do not interrupt rants with facts or logic. When we females are ranting, we are well aware that we’re being ridiculous and saying ridiculous things. We just need to get it out. We don’t want you to try to make sense of it, because that is what is natural for you to do. We just want someone to listen and to agree. Oh, and if we’re ranting about a specific person because we are mad at them- you are mad at them too. It should be automatic. Just pretend, it’s okay.
Don’t ever use the word “fat” in relation to how a woman looks. Of course we want you to be honest, because we don’t want to leave the house looking like a busted can of biscuits- but NEVER use the word fat. Yes, our butt looks big on those pants. It does NOT look fat. Even if it does. It doesn’t. It’s not that complicated!
If she farts in public or with company present, take the blame. Don’t laugh, don’t point, don’t make it a big deal. Don’t even acknowledge that you know it came from her ass. If you can force a fart from yours (because believe it or not, many men are somehow able to), do so immediately.
NEVER break up through a TEXT MESSAGE. Or any kind of messenger service, while we’re on the subject. Man up and do it in person.
Don’t make any stupid ass “a woman’s place” jokes. Or say she needs to make you a sandwich. Seriously. It’s just dumb. You could even take the time to make HER a sandwich. Women should never be expected to cook and clean because “it’s their place.” Women are just as capable as men. If she WANTS to cook and clean, that’s awesome- but don’t ever have that expectation. Just as she should not expect you to take out the trash. You can offer, and that’s wonderful, and you probably SHOULD, but expectations out side of love, trust, and respect can be ugly.
Don’t ever discount her feelings simply because she is a woman, and women are emotional. Especially never blame anything on her period. Not even if she does it first. If you say the word “hormonal,” expect to have your balls removed. I won’t feel bad for you.
Last but not least? Just don’t be a dick. It’s honestly that simple.
Learn all of this from the start, boy children, and women won’t seem so complicated once you realize that not all of them have cooties. We women have a lot to learn as well, but we’ve gotta start somewhere, right?
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Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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