So, you just spent an hour with your cousin’s best friend’s sister’s uncle’s daughter’s baby, and you find yourself all full of the warm and fuzzies and thinking about how your baby isn’t a baby anymore and how much you miss them as a baby with those adorable little feet and adorable little hands with the teensy tiny little fingers and that itty bitty button nose and skin as soft as silk and the SMELL! OH, that smell! Nothing compares to the smell of a (clean) baby and the whole ordeal is incredibly intoxicating and oh my – how wonderful it might be to have a baby in the house again. A baby that came out of YOUR uterus.
FREEZE! STOP DROP AND ROLL! You are on FIRE with baby fever!
Try to stay calm. This happens to a LOT of women, and even some men. It’s important just to take deep breaths and wait for the feeling to pass. Everything will be okay. What I need you to do now is to close your eyes and picture a baby in your head. Now picture that baby screaming, covered in liquid bowels, completely inconsolable in the middle of a crowded restaurant full of people who act like they’ve never SEEN a damn baby before in their lives.
Has the feeling subsided? Warm and fuzzies extinguished?
Oh dear, you’ve got it BAD! It’s okay, I can still walk you back from the ledge.
It has been a LONG time since I have experienced the horror that is baby fever. I have conditioned myself never to even let the thought of a new baby enter my head, because I know that thought will travel through my nerves and make a beeline for my uterus, and I REFUSE to give that bitch any ideas! HOWEVER, while looking around at my house full of penis, I felt a little deprived of the YAYA Sisterhood I could experience if I just had another female in the house. In my INFINITE wisdom, I decided the best solution in this case would NOT be getting knocked up and going through the insanity that is pregnancy and childbirth and my poor poor crotch, no- it would be to get a dog. A GIRL dog. A bitch. And yes, I used the word BITCH for a reason.
Aurora is a beautiful dog, she really is, but she is EVIL. She puts Marley to shame. In just a few short months, she has scratched paint off of the bathroom door, eaten I don’t even know how many puzzle pieces, ripped the padding out of two pairs of shoes, gnawed on another every single day no matter how many times we tell her no, peed ALL over the house INCLUDING our bed when she had a bladder infection that made her piss smell like Bigfoot’s dick, puked 6 times and shat in the car in under 15 minutes… Must I go on?
Today, I caught the beautiful Aurora, named after a princess and acts like a diva, in the middle of the living room, tearing apart a paper towel that was used to clean her barf off of the carpet last night, effectively spreading the barf back all over the floor. After I finished cleaning up that gag-worthy mess, 5 minutes later I caught her doing it again. SERIOUSLY?!
We love that bitch to bits and pieces, but as a word of caution: don’t get a puppy to cure your baby fever. It won’t work! What it WILL do is cure your “I need to get a cute little puppy to cure my baby fever” fever!
On second thought… maybe it DOES cure baby fever, because after cleaning up months worth of shit and barf and regurgitated eaten barf, the thought of EVER bringing another barf and shit machine into this house EVER again makes my vagina recoil in fear and my uterus eject from my body.
So, sufferer of baby fever, fear not. Don’t bother shaving your legs tonight and begging the man in your life to impregnate you- GET A PUPPY. You’ll never want to have sex again!