Parkerisms #3, aka: Kids say the darnedest shizz

parker2With Holden back in school and not here all day to dominate every single conversation, from the hours of 8am – 3pm, the world has become Parker’s, and and we’re just livin’ in it. Finally he can express himself without know-it-all Holden constantly correcting him and bossing him around. I love Holden, but the kid is a fascist dictator.

After nearly 3 LOONNNNGGGGGGG and hot months, Parker is finally able to express himself to his ultimate weirdness for 7 hours a day. As I expected, the older he gets, the weirder he gets.

I have no clue on earth who he got that from! /sarcasm.

Here are some of my favorite recent moments:

Whenever Parker says “pepper” it sounds like he’s saying “pecker.” I think you can all understand that as the boys had a detailed conversation at dinner one night about peppers, I had to leave the room after nearly peeing myself.
It’s okay, Parker. You’re not alone! I don’t have the desire to eat “Hot HOT peckers” either.

For some reason, completely unknown to me, Parker has begun to call every child that isn’t at least twice his size “baby.” It doesn’t matter if this kid is walking and talking in sentences, to Parker, they are a baby. I have tried to no avail to correct this. There is one “baby” he sees 5 days a week (the daughter of someone who reads this blog, hiiiii!). You would think with that much exposure, and the fact that I tell him this baby’s name EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. that eventually he would call her by her name. No. While I find this slightly obnoxious, it does make for some pretty funny moments- like when the little lass gets loose and hauls ass across the cafeteria, and Parker yells “BABY ON THE LOOSE! BABY ON THE LOOSE!”

This is more a Holdenism, but I’m letting it in here because it’s too good not to:
Like the manly man he is, Parker requested bacon pizza for his birthday dinner a few weeks ago. Our waitress came up behind me and whispered into my ear asking if Parker is allergic to anything because she wanted to bring him cake with a candle after dinner. After I assure her that he has no food allergies, genius Holden, who is sitting next to me, perks up and says “Except cats!”

Extra large bacon pizza: $15.00
The look on your waitresses face when she thinks you eat cats: priceless.

When we got to the toy store so Parker could pick out a special birthday present, I was singing a little diddy about how he could pick out what he wants because it’s his birthday and that kid excitedly pops out of the back seat and yells “BOOYAH!” so loud it startled the shit out of a teensy old lady that was crossing the street.
Well, I don’t know if it literally scared the shit out of her, but just in case, I sure hope she was wearing some depends.

I’m not going to lie: I curse in front of the kids. Yes, I sure do. Now, if they actually REPEATED these curse words, I would be very inclined to lock down my beloved 4-letter gems. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have kids that repeat nearly everything I say EXCEPT curse words, but I am not going to question it. They don’t repeat me, but they come up with their own exclamations.
We were driving down the road, past this creek about a block or two away from our house. The creek is usually free of wildlife, but that day there were a bunch of Canadian geese. I guess us driving by so closely spooked them, and that is when Parker drops his new exclamation:
“OH. MY. DOODOO! I did not know geese can FLY!”
I much prefer that to the alternative.
Elton John made an appearance on Live! With Kelly & Michael a few days ago.  Of course Parker has heard the songs, but outside of Gnomeo and Juliet, I don’t think he knows much about Sir Elton. Shameful, I know.
During Sir Elton’s performance of Rocket Man, I looked at Parker (who was not paying attention) and said “Isn’t Elton John amazing on the piano?”
The kid needs to clean the shit out of his ears, because he clearly did NOT hear what I said, which was when he snapped around and said “He peed on WHO?”
Pee-an-NO. Not yes! Not pee!
While doing my daily duty (pun totally intended) one morning, Parker came strolling into the bathroom like he owned the damn place and passed me a meat thermometer and then walked away. Without saying a single word.
I mean, I know I was taking a while, but I don’t think poking myself with that thing would tell me how close I was to being done with my business. I’d be slightly horrified by the implication that my insides are cooking poop if it weren’t such a creative thought.

Parker has an obsession with the GEICO Hump Day commercial. You know the one. Theparkerboobs one that has the camel who is SO DAMN HAPPY it’s hump day he can’t contain himself? I blame myself for this. I can’t get enough. When he awoke Wednesday morning and excitedly asked me “WHAT DAY IS IT?” I fully expected him to do his Carl the Camel impression and say “Hump Day! Woot wooooot!” but instead he yelled “BOOBIE DAY!” and flashed me. It’s a good thing he’s a boy or we’d have to have a little chat about Girls Gone Wild and the importance of keeping the twins covered.
I’ll take awkward conversations with a little kid for 1,000, Alex.
Parker: *points to random dude* I wanna tell that guy how you put me in your belly with MAGIC!
Me: Why would anyone want to know about that?
Parker: And you had a magic wand!
Me: I didn’t have a magic wand.
*2 seconds later*
Me: Weeeell……..

Yeaaahhh, no. We’re not going there right now. Or possibly ever.

It’s a good thing that Holden doesn’t feel things like shame or embarrassment yet, or Parker waiting until a cafeteria full of students, teachers, and parents was completely silent to, out of NOWHERE, yell “WHY DOES HOLDEN PEE IN THE SHOWER?” might have been a pretty scarring moment in his childhood. Why did he do this? Honestly, I have no idea.

“I wonder why people are looking at me. Is it because I’m so cute?”

I have created a monster.

The child has so much evil wit exuding from every pore already… I fear for my future. Hold me!

Posted on October 18, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 5 Comments
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