Babies. They make themselves at home on our insides, taking up as much room as they please, and then come screaming into this world like they own the damn place. Who do they think they are?? We’re just supposed to bend and fold to their every whim because they are tiny and their face is all red from screaming and OHMYGODJUSTMAKEITSTOP? Sneaky. I’m onto you, babies. If you don’t sleep, no one sleeps. I get it. I think it’s rude, but I get it.
Keep in mind, mini-humans, that you won’t be babies forever. Come to think of it, you won’t be babies for very long at ALL- so your tiny terror reign will be short-lived, and THEN? Well, then, my friend, with you not needing attention every single moment of every single day, Mommy & Daddy get to regain just the teensiest bit of normalcy.
I know what you are trying to do; with those big eyes and the pouty little lip, and the mouth not quite full of teeth yet- you’re trying to make us boohoo about our baby not being a baby anymore. You’re trying to make us SAD that you are growing up so quickly. You constantly try to remind us that once these moments of babyhood pass, they’re gone forever- only recalled through happy and sometimes tear-filled memories. It’s not gonna work this time, baby! Tonight, instead of bittersweet memories, we are going to talk about why NOT having a baby anymore is frickin’ AWESOME. It’s FANTASTICAL! It’s AMAZING!
Without a baby threatening to wake up and shriek at any moment, we can FINALLY go to the movies! I missed that SO much!
Sure, it might get interrupted by repeated bathroom breaks due to tiny bladders that insist they can’t POSSIBLY hold it for two hours even though they went RIGHT BEFORE THE MOVIE and have had nothing to drink… but hey, we’re here! That’s progress!
SLEEP! We can finally sleep through the night again! No more 3am feedings or blowouts or whatever random reason baby decides to wake up for again and again. And again. Maybe not the full 8 hours we all long for, but 6 is pretty solid! … unless one of the kids wakes up, gets out of bed, crawls into ours, and drops a sharp little heel onto our clavicle.
FINALLY, with no baby in the house, there will no longer be meals interrupted by feeding times, diaper craps, flinging of pureed “foods”, or whatever else can and usually does go wrong whenever you’re trying to feed yourself. Meals can go back to being peaceful, and you can once again discuss what you did that day, even if it was nothing at all! Sure, you’ll have to really enjoy eating your food cold, since you’ll be the last one to sit down after you cater to everyone else’s stupid picky needs, but hey- you get to sit and eat!
Board games! Ohhh boy, how I missed playing board games. Babies with their lack of eye-coordination, hand coordination, brain coordination… you might be cute but you can’t play no stinkin’ board games, now can you? Nope! Now that my kids aren’t babies- it’s back to the board, my friends! I might have to explain the directions every turn, and continually remind everyone of the rules which causes about 17 fights because of the rampant CHEATING, and rarely get to actually finish a game without someone getting in trouble and then there’s a lot of crying and some time outs and I swear to the stars in the SKY that we will NEVER play that cursed game EVER again… but really, what fun is a board game if it doesn’t create lasting family feuds?
We can’t forget conversations! It is SO wonderful to have a child finally be able to TELL you what’s on their mind, unlike a baby who can only cry to express just about everything. I do so love conversations about sizes of poop and being asked what girls pee out of. It’s fantastic.
How do ya like them apples, babies of the world?? Life is totally…. easier… once you aren’t babies anymore! Or… that’s what I’ll tell myself to keep from losing my damn mind, anyway.