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Unleashing your inner urge to be the grammar & spelling police without being a dick

gpo

As a writer, I have to have a pretty decent grasp of English. This includes but is not limited to capitalization, spelling, and the difference between their, they’re, and there. I’m not PERFECT at it, though. No matter how much reading I do, I still do not at all understand when or where to use a semi-colon, and I am terrible when it comes to having a plethora of run-on sentences in anything that I write.

Mistakes are easily made, I understand that- but every morning as I pop on the computer and get online, I am very quickly greeted by a cringe-worthy mutilation of the English Language. Poor English Language, what’d it ever do you?? Please stop using the word SWAG. Do not abbreviate words that do not need to be abbreviated! It’s TOTES not cool! Just stop! For the love of God, stop!

It pains me, deep down in my soul. I want to yell. I want to smack my forehead repeatedly. I occasionally get the urge to throw my computer, but mostly… I want to correct them. English isn’t that hard, people! It’s not that difficult to spell! That squiggly red line under that last bit of nonsense you typed? That means it’s WRONG. Didn’t all those years in school teach you ANYTHING? YOU ARE A GROWN PERSON, YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS!!!

I want to, but I don’t.

Correcting someone’s grammar and/or spelling, if you’re not their teacher, is typically frowned upon. The truth of it is that it makes you look like a serious a-hole to pick apart someone’s statement due to errors… and it’s likely not going to help, anyway. If it’s an adult, they likely don’t care to learn the right or wrong way to write at this point and you’re just going to make them hate you for being a pompous picky dickhole. You don’t want to be a pompous picky dickhole, do you? It doesn’t sound very pleasant.
“WHY DOES MY SPELLING MATTER? WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?! I DON’T CARE ABOUT SPELLING! CAN’T YOU JUST LET IT GO???”
It’s hard, my friends. Even if you try to be sneaky by putting the correct spelling in your reply to their post/comment/whatever is written and wrong, you aren’t helping. It’s best to just accept that fact now and move on with your life.

Don’t worry! You don’t have to explode from being full of grammar rage. You also don’t have to go back to school to become a teacher so you can correct people every day. You just have to have a kid. No big deal, right? No years of school or student loans or lesson plans to worry about… maybe just a bit of your sanity, a stockpile of patience, and the rest of your life is necessary.

BUT!!!

You will have someone to CONSTANTLY correct on their atrocious spelling, grammar, and even the things they say… ESPECIALLY the things they say… and while they might think you are a total asshole, it will be your responsibility to do so. Not just for them, but for the people who will have to deal with them as adults, and don’t you want to prevent people from feeling the grammar rage that you do so often? THINK OF THE PEOPLE!!

“I don’t not want to!” And I DO want to correct you! It’s my job, sucka!

Parenthood: Every grammar and spelling nazi’s dream. Never thought you’d read a sentence like that, huh?

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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8 Comments

  • That’s great!!! I love the ending; completely unexpected.

  • Jenny, I’m so overjoyed that you chose Grammar as your topic. I was raised with a Mom who wanted to be a teacher. As a only child she didn’t end up leaving her parents to continue her studies. So she had a six kids and wham, bam, she had an instant elementary school. My siblings and I have always referred affectionately to our Mom as “the grammar nazi.” Our ings were pronounced and ain’t isn’t in the dictionary. I teach my kids the same way and my 6.5 year old has called me the spelling police. Not sure if that’s a term of endearment or not but I can imagine my Momma is smiling up there in heaven that I’ve earned my own title in the rollercoaster called Parenthood.

  • It blows my mind that my 11 year old son has better grammar and spelling skills than 98% of the adults on Facebook.

  • Having been accused of being a “grammar Nazi,” I understand how much of a pain in the ass it is to read something misspelled. I can usually ignore it as long as I can figure out what they’re trying to say (especially when auto-correct strikes)… Now when you misspell every other word and/or use words I’ve never seen used together in a sentence, don’t be offended when I ask, “What?” I just wanna know what you said so I know if I should toss my two cents into the mix. Sounds reasonable, no?

    • Very. Text speak/Bingo speak is annoying and CAN be confusing. Nothing wrong with asking for a little clarification, and hey- maybe they’ll get the point that what they wrote is total nonsense!

  • I’m not a mommy (too young for that) but I am an older sister and I have to squash my urge to always correct my baby sister when she misspells a word because I know she is still learning. I also have to resist correcting family and friends when they misspell words…I’ve grown up reading and having an instinctual sense of how words are spelled; something that my friends and family use a lot. I’m always being asked “Ashley!!! How do you spell (some random word they want spelled)?!” It both amuses and irritates me because most of the people that ask are twice my age…Anyways yes I understand the need to be a grammar or a spelling Nazi…and I am one! I found this blog extremely awesome!