The scariest thing a child could say

Parker has a big ass head. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I’m not Willy Wonka. His head is planetgigantic. The thing has planets orbiting around it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just the cold hard truth. He got it from me, along with the huge forehead. Sorry, kid. I know that eventually he will grow into this massive lady-part destroying dome, but for the foreseeable future, it’s something he has to learn to deal with.

Pulling shirts on is often difficult, taking them back off usually ends in getting stuck so badly it requires parental extraction, and the thing throws off the poor kid’s balance. He’s already rather small for his age, so the proportions of the mega-skull look even weirder on him than they would a child of average size and larger cranium.

I guess I don’t know for sure that his head is what makes him so damn clumsy, but it’s a reasonable assumption that it doesn’t exactly help. That kid has fallen on, bonked, whacked, scratched, smacked and cracked his head on just about everything more than I ever thought possible. He puts other clumsy kids to shame. You’d think I would be used to how accident-prone he is, but I still get nervous every single time he walks up or down a flight of stairs. Any time I hear him say “Hey mommy, watch this!” I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. That statement rarely ends well. There is NOTHING more terrible than the sound of a little kid’s head hitting concrete. Honestly. Not even joking. It’s the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life, and thanks to Clumsy McCranium, I have had to hear it more times than a person should ever have to, which is none. Duh. That sound haunts me in my dreams.

“Hey Mommy/Daddy, watch this!” is one of the most feared phrases in all of parenthood. When you hear these 4 words strung together, you know your kid is about to do something REALLY fucking stupid. The kind of stupid that breaks antiques, electronics, or bones. The kind of stupid that ends in a visit to the ER. I don’t like that kind of stupid.  One of the most feared, but it does not get the title of THE most feared. Oh, no. That honor is saved for something far more frightening.

The Open RoadPicture this: You’re driving along down the road; the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and your child is properly restrained in the back seat. It’s a beautiful day, and for a split second, you forget your kid is even in the car with you. It’s you and the road. Mano a mano. Don’t you love those moments? You are in your happiness bubble and it is made of TITANIUM! Only it’s not.

Remember that kid you momentarily didn’t remember in the back seat? Yeah, that one. They’re starting to squirm. You don’t notice this because you’re all responsible and shit, keeping your eyes on the road like a good driver.
“I don’t feel so good….my tummy hurts…” 
POP! Bye bye happiness bubble. It was nice while it lasted!

You look in your rearview mirror and see your child clutching their stomach, their face a lovely shade of white.
It is the look that we all immediately recognize: Barf. The kid’s gonna barf. The kid is gonna barf in your car and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO because you are driving and you don’t want to frickin’ DIE. Mobile Barf. THAT is the thing that shoots sheer panic into the heart of all parents. There’s nothing quite like it.

Luckily for me, when I saw the dreaded white face in the back of my car yesterday, it ended in a burp. I likely won’t be so lucky next time.

It’s not that I’d rather have Mega-Mind bonk his head again… but I mean… obviously that thing is pretty indestructible. My gag reflex? Not so much.

Posted on September 18, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
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