Have you ever done something so low down, dirty, and diabolical that it keeps you up at night? Do you have a dirty little secret you’ve been keeping stashed behind the bajillion skeletons in your closet? One that you refuse to ever admit until you are on your deathbed, and even then it makes you blush from shame?
I hate one of my kids’ toys SO much that I imitated its voice and made it say terrifying things so they would stop playing with it.
THERE!! I SAID IT!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!
Okay, okay. I know it isn’t that bad- but that shit HAD to be done. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to save my sanity. Who will care for my children otherwise?? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!
All of us parents have these kinds of things that we do. Maybe we’re not proud of them. Maybe we are! Maybe we are so happy that whatever we did worked, but still slightly feel the burn of shame about it. There’s no need to feel alone- because I am about to show you something that is bound to make you feel better about “accidentally” smashing your kid’s toy. The one with no volume control. The one your little precious likes to play with at 7am. Psh. Accident.
Here are confessions submitted by other parents, or as I like to call them: Momfessions/Dadfessions. At least if we feel a little bit of shame, we can all feel it together!
Donise W. – My aunt bought my daughter a baby doll. No, wait! It was a devil doll. It had a pacifier. When you pulled the plug, it cried nonstop until you put it back in. No timer. No shut off switch. Just crying. I hated my aunt almost as much as I hated that doll. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I stuck the pacifier in the devil’s mouth and broke it off so she could never make that damn doll cry again. Mom: 1 Doll: 0 Aunt: Bitch
Samantha S. – I told my girls, 4 and 5 at the time, that God gives them a black “x” on their heart if they lie. We’re not even religious. It fucking worked.
Stephanie G. – When my daughter was two (she’s now 20) I went through a couple nightmarish years of Barney. She had to have all the stuffed toys, the cups, etc. She also had to watch it every morning, but TV only played one episode a day. Thinking I was so smart I recorded every episode for about 10 hours total and every morning when she threw her Barney fit I’d plug it in.
She eventually realized that she was watching the same shows everyday and ask me why, (this took almost a year) and since I was tired of hearing “I love you, you love me” coming out of her sweet little voice all day everyday of what seemed like my whole life, I waited to answer her till the next day. That night I threw away the Barney tape, got rid of all the stuffed animals except Barney, and the next morning I explained that Barney went away and that we needed to have a burial, omg I’m bad! So we put the Barney in a shoe box and buried him in the yard. My daughter said some nice things and that was it, no more Barney.
Now that I’ve said this I’m really feeling like I need to call her and apologize!
Christy R. – Me being the full time working mom of three ( which i teach preschool) is guilty of resetting the clock and hour earlier so i may trick my 6 year old into thinking its her bedtime. I know horrible but after getting up at 5am working all day ,transporting kids to cheer, gymnastics, and picking up my high school child from after school activities and then to proceed home to clean cook clean Again baths and homework.. This is one tired mommy… So yes i felt like i really needed that extra hour of rest.
Kristin B. – To get out of going to a Halloween thing at my kids school once, (because there are seriously a million people at those things), I faked food poisoning and went into the bathroom and made the gag noises and dumped water into the toilet. Not proud, but I got pampered with “poor mommy” and cuddles instead of being treated like the spawn of Satan for not going!
Samantha W. – Not a momfession but an auntfession. So my 3 y/o niece has a really creepy baby doll. Creepy porcelain face and hands with this tiny soft body. It’s neck almost seems to be broken. No matter what you do it flops right back over. She has quite the stories to go along with this thing. “My baby’s daddy ran over my friend and killed her and then put her in the trunk,” Ummmmmm….okay. “But then someone killed him so we don’t even know where he is now.” I’m all for a kid’s imagination but that was weird and then it got weirder. She told her grandpa that “My baby crawls on the ceiling at night and she stares at me and sings scary songs.” Okayyy, time for this baby to go. She happened to leave it in my car a few days ago and when I saw her I couldn’t help myself. I threw her out. I feel bad that she’s going to miss her baby but she had to go. Now the minute this thing shows back up, that’s when the real problems are going to start.
Wendy T. – I want to quit smoking. For my sense of smell, how I smell, my health, my appearances…. I could list a thousand reasons why I want to do it. But there is one reason why I have not. I get five minutes outside every two hours, where the kids are not allowed to come outside to get me, and get a hit of soothing poison that unfrays my nerves. During these five minutes, I am alone. I am at peace. I can collect myself. I just end up smelling like a bag of ashes. It’s a filthy habit. I hate myself for continuing it. But the thought of NOT having that time where I can justifiably deny the ability to be anywhere near the kids? The Sweety can’t make me come in and change the diaper he’s afraid of. The oldest can’t come demand this or that gadget she saw on T.V. The baby can’t squeal at me to come pick her up because she demands it and wants to pull my hair and break my last pair of glasses. Even the dog and cat can’t come drive me batshit. Because Mommy is being very very bad. I’ve tried replacing the evil with something equally satisfying, but healthier, but they KNOW its not as bad and filthy and dangerous, and so those 5 minutes are moot.
Stephanie P. – When my son was about 4 he would not leave his favorite toy alone (his penis) I told him if he didn’t leave it alone the penis fairy would take it away and he would have no penis and they don’t leave money like the tooth fairy. He asked if would have a vagina. I said nope you will pee in bag. He left it alone for 5 minutes. 6 years later it’s still his favorite toy.
Tasha G. – I scared my son into going potty on the toilet! He was 3 and I had a baby on the way…we tried everything we could think of, but nothing worked. I finally got desperate enough that I created “The Potty Monster”.. I told my son that he lived in the basement and that we had to poo and pee in the potty so that he wouldn’t come up and eat us! About 2 weeks later he was fully potty trained!! I feel bad, but it worked!
Athena G. – You see, my daughter will not eat store bought bread. However, take her to Subway and its all over. Ive seen the kid polish off an entire 6 incher!! So this weekend, after another Subway trip, I asked her why she will eat Subway sandwiches but when I make her one from home, even if I buy the “hoagie-style” rolls from the store, she wont touch them?? She said, “Because Subway tastes better!” Ok. So I did what any rational parent would do; I lied. I bought the same hoagi-rolls from the store that she wouldnt touch on other occasions, walked into Subway and asked them for a bag, in which I put the rolls. When she got home from school I showed her the bag, and guess what?? “This is better mom. I like the Subway bread.” little turd bucket..
Andrea C. – So worth it but I do feel a little bad .. Whenever my monster ( daughter Adriana) asks me to watch a show I can’t stand I tell her that her favorite character is on vacation so we can’t watch the show ..
Monster: mommy can we watch spongebob?
Me: no he is on vacation.
Monster: what about the chipmunks? Lets watch them.
Me: no sorry little girl they are on vacation too.. How about we watch batman?!
Monster: ok mommy .. But I hope they get back soon they have been on vacation forrevver!!
Renee S. – I am a single mother of 3 (11, 13, 15). Somehow over the course of the last year since the divorce, my children are under the impression that its “our” money. So they have it in their heads that if I get to do something, well they should be able to as well. Most of the time I set ’em straight, but sometimes I just don’t want to deal with it. So, when my neighbor friend and I want to go do something like, say, eat a relaxing lunch out, I will tell them I’m going out to run errands and will be back shortly. It’s kind of a white lie really, harmless I would say, but sometimes I still feel guilty. That is until I bite into whatever deliciousness I’m having at the moment without the constant “mom, mom, mommy!” Then, not so much!
And a bonus, from a friend of mine, just because. You’ll understand why in a moment-
OK…I don’t know if this is the proper forum for this story or not, but as I chuckled reading about “Melmo” it made me look back and think of mortifying moments with my daughter as she was growing up. She is now 10 years old, and this story takes us back about 5 years. We were living with my mom and a room-mate, Chris. Chris and I had been sitting outside smoking a cigarette and chatting when he brought up the fact that his internet wasn’t working, so I offered to reset the router, which was in my mom’s room. We both went upstairs and I entered my moms room and was working on shutting everything down, waiting a minute then being able to start it all back up to make sure that it was fixed. I must have shut the door behind me, because I hear Chris calling for me, and hear my precious angel child talking to him and telling him to “touch it”. As Chris’s cries became more insistent I got up from the floor, walked the short distance to the door, opened the door, and realized, that standing at the end of the hallway, looking HIGHLY AMUSED was Chris, standing next to my sweet angel baby, who was looking up at him as he was laughing, barely able to stifle a grin herself, holding my vibrator.
Somehow I managed to race to the end of the hallway, grabbing her with one hand, my bedside boyfriend with the other, and dodging into my room. Once all the immediate chaos had subsided, i knew i had to face this sweet child and answer her questions. As I looked towards my precious little girl, i noticed her nose was a bit red…somehow in all that, not only had she found my toy…shown it to my bemused room mate, completely embarrassed me…and what had I managed to do? I managed to give my girl a minor bloody nose with the battery operated behemoth.
At this point I’m a wreck, she’s terrified, not understanding that she wasn’t supposed to have any access to that, but now Mommy was upset and she had no idea why…so I did what any mom would do….I avoided all questions like the plague. Helped clean her up and made her smile and realize everything was ok, and that i wasn’t upset with her at all, and then I found a MUCH better hiding place for my battery operated beau.
Feeling better yet? I know I am.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times