ONE contraction? That’s it?? TV sucks.

As I settled into the couch last night for some prime time TV viewing, I was feeling pretty darn excited. One of my favorite shows, which shall remain nameless but I’m sure you can peimwfigure it out, was finally coming back! It’s felt like forever, which sucks, because there aren’t as many shows out there that are as realistic and true to the life of a family as this one. It’s never resorted to slapstick or plot lines so ridiculous that you just can’t ever imagine them actually happening in real life. No, it’s always stuck to the same formula of being well written, well acted, and well loved because of the level of relatability. 

It just so happens that one of the characters is pregnant. Or… was pregnant. Not far into the premiere and the chick has ONE contraction and says to her husband (are they married? I think they are. Like I said, it’s been a while!) “I think this is it!” and off to the hospital they went so that she wouldn’t have her baby in the middle of a crowded baby supply store.
My bullshit-o-meter immediately went off.

ONE contraction? Are you kidding me with this? Just ONE and she knew she was in active labor? Honey, I’ve had two kids and I can guarantee you that NEITHER time I went into labor, did I know it was labor right away. And the first time I was in a bed being INDUCED into it, so it isn’t like I didn’t know it was coming!
I’m not saying that some ladies don’t have a sixth sense that their crotch is about to be exploded- but without your water breaking, you at least wait for a FEW contractions to be absolutely sure it’s the real thing and rushing off to labor and delivery to have a child yanked from your insides.

timerONE contraction. What? Did she have some kind of turkey timer like thing down there checking her cervical dilation and a silent alarm went off alerting her to imminent birthing of baby? Did she have a walkie talkie implanted in her uterus and the baby was all like “alright lady, it’s GO time!” As funny, creepy, and slightly helpful as either of those things would be, it ain’t possible. I’d expect the one contraction scam from daytime television, but not my beloved realistic show about families!

FIVE contractions and some leakage and I thought I was in labor. I rushed off to the hospital only to be told I had peed my pants.
TEN contractions and I went to the bathroom and took a crap. At 9 months pregnant, there simply isn’t enough room all up in your shizz for poop to stay around for very long. Your uterus wants it ALL. Voila: poo-tractions.

I understand that as an hour long program with commercials, you only have about 47 minutes to get whatever story you’re telling across and with many characters there are many stories and some things just have to be left out- but DON’T FUCKING PLAY WHEN IT COMES TO LABOR. It’s just not okay. As someone who has blown out my crotch twice, I expected better from such a realistic show, not to be sitting on my comfy couch cursing at my television due to inaccuracies.

We’ve all heard the stories about ladies who can’t even make it to the hospital because that baby is comin’ like a freight train down the birth canal and they were only in labor for like… a nanosecond instead of 10 straight hours of hell, and really those ladies should keep those stories to themselves (I’m kidding… kinda) but most of LABOR through labor. Not speeding through it. Hence its name.

If it has to be ugly, make it ugly- but don’t go over the top insane. We don’t all speak in tongues while giving birth. If there has to be tears from pain or exhaustion- SHOW it. I’m not asking to go as far as a close up on the baby crowning; shit, I didn’t even want to see my own! I’m just tired of us women either being made to look like raging psychopaths (and say what you want about pregnant women, they aren’t THAT bad) or like childbirth is a walk in the park.

Being pregnant and giving birth (no matter how you do it) is HARD WORK. It is hard, and it is stressful, and it is painful, and it is terrifying. Make us look like the bad-asses we are!  We deserve it! Is that so much to ask?

Posted on September 27, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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1 Comment

  • Even the water breaking doesn’t always seem clear. I wasn’t sure for about an hour after my water broke with my first. And what gets me is when the woman on TV has her water break, and she reacts like the breaking of the water hurt. It doesn’t hurt! The friggin contractions do!