In life, we all have less than stellar moments. We might trip, literally or figuratively and bust our asses for the whole world to see (maybe not literally there, but it sure feels like it.) We fart in a quiet classroom and our faces turn beet red, alerting our classmates that the sound came from us. We sneeze and a booger goes flying onto someone’s shirt. We spill a beverage in our lap and have to walk around looking like we peed our pants until it dries. These things just happen, and believe it or not, they build character!
It’s good to accept that we aren’t perfect and neither is anyone else, and it’s REALLY good to learn to laugh at ourselves in these moments. That ability will come in handy when we have the most embarrassing things in all of life happen to us: our kids.
I don’t mean embarrassment as in we are embarrassed of them, ohhhhh no, we are embarrassed BY them. Embarrassed, frazzled, scared, annoyed, happy, elated, exhausted… they really know how to do a number on us, don’t they?? Do you know what else those little buttholes do? They show us everywhere we have gone wrong in life. How do they manage to do such a thing? I mean… they’re kinda dumb, they don’t get the simplest jokes or understand that SLEEP IS AWESOME- how could they POSSIBLY be the ones to have such insight on our lives?
They don’t even know they’re doing it, but their little synapses in their little brains are just firing away and causing them to say shit without thinking, without filter, without a single fuck given, without realizing that some things should not be said in certain company and some things should not be done at certain times. They have the “I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuuck!” mentality that we all wish we had!
Holden once told another little boy he was “being a dick!”- Parent fail. Offense? Cursing in front of crotchfruit.
Parker once yelled that he was hiding in my butthole in front of a group of parents. Parent fail. Should have corrected that shit before he was blurting it out in public.
They won’t take my fart or poop blame, like to loudly announce when I’m forced to exorcise my colon in a public restroom, belch at the dinner table and all kinds of other terrible things that really can only be blamed on me (but I like to blame their father.) Fail fail fail! GAH! And here I thought I was doing pretty good at this whole parenting thing.
My biggest parenting fail to date (and I really thought I would die with it being Holden’s flying face dive off of the changing table as a baby) came to light recently as I was on the brink of a migraine. Parker, sweet chubby cheeked little nugget that he is… DOES NOT HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE!
Holy FUCK. All the kid does is yell! I taught him how to walk, talk, eat with a spoon without drenching himself, crap in a toilet instead of his pants, to say please and thank you…How in the hell did I FORGET to teach him about inside voices?? FAIL!!! You think stepping on a Lego in the dark is bad? Try having a kid pounding metal bowls in his play kitchen and feeling like your brain is going to explode through your eyeballs. Who the fuck thought metal BOWLS were a good idea? I refuse to take responsibility for that nonsense.
I know, you’re thinking if that’s the worst I’ve done, I must be doing pretty damn good, but my head still hurts. And so does my pride after that little shit sold me down the river as I was secretly taking a dump in my doctor’s office employee lounge. I might still be able to make eye contact with the nurses if I’d just taught the kid to use an INSIDE VOICE. Ohhh, how many embarrassing situations that could have been prevented! It pains me to think about it. It is most definitely the fail of the century… until he does something even more embarrassing next week. Kids are always plotting and outdoing themselves. I’m not sure whether to be scared, or impressed. For my brain’s sake, I’m erring on the side of scared. You should be too!
Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/aAAWWjdrN3
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.