Today… my kid ratted me out.
This morning when I woke up, immediately upon rising I remembered that I had my monthly back doctor visit. I also remembered that it was only in an hour and a half so I would have to rush to get myself and the kids fed, dressed, and out the door. Great!
It never fails that when you have somewhere to be in a hurry, your kids take the longest to do everything.
For some reason my stomach did not like all the rushing and scolding and whining going on in this place so early in the morning because it decided to revolt.
Truth be told- ever since I got back from Richmond my stomach has been… well… kind of stuck. I guess going from restaurant food every day to home made (read: far less fatty) plugged up my system. I poop every day, y’all. I’m not ashamed. My innards do their damn job and clean me out quick. Not pooping for 5 days straight for a girl who is a daily pooper is bad news. I’ve been uncomfortable, but I figured this situation of sorts would clear itself up on its own, and boy was I right.
As soon as I’d finished my bowl of cereal- I felt the rumblin’, but not just any rumbling- this felt different. This felt dire. I needed to go RIGHT THEN.
Great! I thought, Finally I won’t be literally full of shit anymore. Hooray!
There’s not much that’s worse than sitting down on the toilet because you gottagorightnow only to have nothing happen. I still felt the dire need to make it happen, but nothing would budge.
If you have never found yourself constipated- consider yourself VERY lucky. It’s painful and uncomfortable and you can’t get up because you NEED to go and it feels like you’re going to go but there is nothing going. Trying to give birth to a poop baby blows. Trying to give birth to a poop baby when you have somewhere to be in 30 minutes blows even harder.
A sense of relief washed over me when that stubborn shit finally crowned, but I soon realized that all I had really done was open the flood gates. This wasn’t just one baby- this was quadruplets. I didn’t have time to give butt-birth to poo-triplets! I had to get to the damn doctor… where they would be pressing on me and popping things. Fucking GREAT.
As much as I didn’t want to, I got up, got 6 shoes on 6 feet, and we were on our way. The whole ride to the doctor I’m wondering if my stomach will hold up for this whole visit. Are they going to accidentally pop the poo out of me right there on the table? I finally found a doctor I like, but there would be NO going back after pooping on the table. That is only normal for childbirth, not poobaby birth. And with two kids in tow who had agreed to be good but I knew they were filthy little liars, just to top it all off. Someone please kill me now! Just put me out of my misery!
Much to my surprise, we got through the wait in the waiting room just fine. My stomach wasn’t feeling great but I didn’t feel the urgent need to exorcise the demons in my anus. Not until I got back in the room. Just when I thought I was in the clear!
There was absolutely no way in hell I could let someone push on me… but I’m already back in the room with the kids, the practice is very small and people are going to whisper if I take longer than a minute to do my business and while I’m not exactly what people would consider “shy”- I really don’t want these people knowing that I just took a crap right before they put their hands on me. I WILL NOT BE THE LITERAL BUTT OF JOKES! That was when it clicked- I’ll just take one of the kids with me and say that THEY have to go. Kids take forever in the bathroom. It was INGENIOUS! I’d done it before with much success; what could possibly go wrong??
Holden is a pretty trustworthy kid, and there was no way in HELL I was going to leave Parker alone in that exam room, he would find a way to burn the place down- so he would have to be the one to come along with me.
I grabbed his hand, peered out the exam room door and laid eyes on a nurse.
“Back out in the waiting room”
Down the hall we walk until we are stopped by another nurse, “there’s someone in that one” she says, “Is it for the little one?” she motioned toward Parker. I don’t know why I said it, but it was too late to go back on it after it came tumbling out of my mouth. “Yes.”
It’s not like I KNEW she was going to take me back into the break room to use the employee’s private restroom. Who could possibly expect them to be so kind as to let an innocent little child use their restroom because for once someone understood that little ones can’t hold it for that long… only it wasn’t for the little one. It was for me. And it was a big one.
Still, I was thinking I could get away with this if Parker could manage to stay quiet, but I didn’t take into account how loud I might be. The first thing that happens after sitting on the toilet is my ass decides to let out a sharp LOUD fart.
WHY GOD, WHY DO YOU PUNISH ME?! Pulling it together quickly, I think I can STILL save myself from mortification.
He looks confused, “What?”
“Shhhh. Just don’t say anything!” I whispered back.
Brrrrap brap brap!
“Eww, Parker that’s gross!”
I’m not proud that I was blaming my rear activity on him- but it was acceptable coming from a little kid! People expect them to burp and fart and poop. Hell, sometimes us stupid adults find that kind of shit cute. He’d always happily gone along with it before, but
he’d had about enough of my shit (do you see what I did there???) He loudly responded
“I DIDN’T DO THAT!”
“Don’t lie, you know it was you!”– I tried to keep the lie alive, but by the narrowed eyes looking in my direction once we exited the bathroom, I knew the jig was up.
Sold out his own mother; what has the world come to???
Parker would not be my fall guy anymore. He’s… gulp… too old!
I’ve been denying it for quite some time now, but with his 4th birthday fast approaching I finally have to admit that my baby isn’t a baby anymore. He is a little boy that proudly owns his own farts but won’t stand for anyone else blaming him for theirs.
It’s the end of an era. A bittersweet and painful day. For both me as a mom, and me as a human. That much poo isn’t good for anyone’s b-hole.
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
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Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.
School system: Here! Have a half day on Friday the 13th! Me: pic.twitter.com/Dy18C8R3dD
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