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My momfession of the day

I have a confession to make. I could probably confess a lot of things if I had a kid-free week and enough energy to type nonstop the entire time- but I don’t. I’m far too lazy for all that nonsense.
The confession I have is likely one that many moms have, which I have annoyingly dubbed a “momfession.” It’s nothing too shameful, and won’t end with my husband divorcing me and children filing for emancipation at the tender ages of 3 and 5- but it’s enough to sheepishly hang your head, chuckle at yourself, raise your hand slowly up into the air and say “guilty.” It is something that you do that is slightly embarrassing, but you feel like you HAVE to- whether to save your sanity, your energy, your FOOD or beverage, or to keep your kids from doing something annoying… or even simply something you do because you just don’t want to do something else.

Don’t be ashamed fellow moms and dads (y’all aren’t getting off so easily!)- there’s no need to be! I actually find it quite therapeutic to get these momfessions off of my chest, because chances are, a gajillion of you have done the same exact damn thing, and if you haven’t- you’ve THOUGHT about doing it! Don’t lie! You can to me, but don’t lie to yourself. Accept your sneaky parenting tactics. Be proud! It gets harder and harder to outsmart and trick the little ankle-biters once they get above hip level!

hulkToday’s momfession has to do with toys. Sigh….. toys. I never know how much they are going to make me want to go rabid with a sledgehammer until they have been home and whatever obnoxious noise they make (because they ALL make obnoxious noises) has been going off for an hour straight and my knuckles start to go white. Never have I felt more like Bruce Banner about to transform into the Hulk and smash the shit out of some shit.

I don’t just remove the batteries and pretend the toys have mysteriously become “broken” without suffering any kind of fall or plunging into any body of water. Sometimes the kids are too smart for that shit, or suddenly those damn batteries that have died and you never replaced just to prove the toy was ACTUALLY broken and not just out of juice will have a random resurgence and suddenly you’re a big fat fucking liar and shame on you!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

If anyone asks, the blame falls on Elmo.

I don’t know what possessed me to buy this thing; call it a moment of parental weakness brought on by a baby growing a year older that caused me to say yes to just about elmoanything he asked for- but a few years ago- Parker picked out an Elmo (in past blogs, this thing has been referred to as “Melmo.”) Not just any Elmo, mind you, but this little one with this flapping jaw that when you shook it, it sounded like it was laughing. Well… it was supposed to sound like laughing, but to me it sounded more like the fucking devil himself. The thing is pure evil.

Just taking out the batteries and claiming toy defect simply wasn’t enough to stop it from being THE MOST ANNOYING THING ON THE ENTIRE DAMN PLANET!!!! I had to go further. I had to do worse.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I can do a SPOT-ON impression of Elmo. I’m not sure whether this is a gift or a curse but I’m leaning toward the latter.
My children usually love when I break out the Elmo voice, but it was time for my impressionist skills to be used for a more important cause- my brain. My poor brain. It just can’t take any more of that little shitbrick’s “HAHAHAHAHAHA ELMO…SO….DIZZY! HAHA HAHA HAB HAHAB UDiesurogheiorhgioweh”
Ahem… I’m sorry. I got a little carried away there… but I think I got my point across.

With Evil Elmo in front of my face, I began speaking in the voice of Elmo… slow and eerily, I said “Elmo loves you. Elmo wants to play with you forever. Elmo wants to suck your brain through your nose while you eat and then put poop in your mouth. Elmo looooooves you. Hahahahahahahaha play with me! PLAY WITH ME FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!”

Thank you to “The Shining”- my children have never played with Evil Elmo again.

I win.

And I only had to slightly traumatize my children to do so! So double-win!

I might not be proud of this, but I ain’t ashamed either. A PARENT’S GOTTA DO WHAT A PARENT’S GOTTA DO!!!

 

Posted on August 26, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 10 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • My confession:
    So worth it but I do feel a little bad .. Whenever my monster ( daughter Adriana) asks me to watch a show I can’t stand I tell her that her favorite character is on vacation so we can’t watch the show ..

    Monster: mommy can we watch spongebob?
    Me: no he is on vacation.
    Monster: what about the chipmunks? Lets watch them.
    Me: no sorry little girl they are on vacation too.. How about we watch batman?!
    Monster: ok mommy .. But I hope they get back soon they have been on vacation forrevver!!

  • I have two boys, one is 9 and the other is 13.
    now at this age of 13 likes to jump into the tub, get wet, then jump out. this is what i say to him.

    Mom: did you wash everything or did you just get it wet. (only 5 min)
    13: yes mom i washed my whole body.
    mom: come see (sniff the hair). you smell dirty are your SURE YOU washed everything?
    13: yes mom!
    mom: if i stick my finger in your butt and make you smell it, is it going to smell clean?

    Both boys RUN back to the shower to wash again, because mom will do that. lmao

  • MY MOMFESSION———So, my daughter is an only child. A problem with a kid being an only child is all the frikkin games they get as gifts. I only bought one game for my daughter growing up, it was Perfection. Why? Because you played by yourself. Yes, she also became an expert solitaire player as she got older. Games that she received from well meaning but unknowing friends as gifts were taken away quickly and put up in the closet- to be a quick re-gift later. Legos were outlawed- she was allowed the one 12 piece jumbo set as a toddler, and that was it. Ditto for puzzles. Anything with small pieces-barbie doll brushes and shoes for example, were scooped up and trashed on the spot. I wasn’t mean, or maybe in retrospect, I was. LOL I don’t care, that’s my momfession and I am sticking to it.

  • Momfession: Sometimes, in an attempt to curb my 3YO son’s midnight milk requests, I will tell him we are out of milk.

    Me: (while tucking him in) Here’s a drink…but now the milk is all gone, so don’t get up and ask for more later, ok?? We’ll have to go get more in the morning.

    It’s not major, but it is a big fat lie. Sometimes it backfires on me because he KNOWS there’s a full gallon in the fridge :-/

  • When my children were younger, batteries were never replaced. I have a low, low, low tolerance for noise, the main reason my children were all labeled “spoiled” because as soon as the first whimper was heard, they were picked up and coddled. Bite me, I enjoyed the bonding time and they are well adjusted teenagers now, they survived because I did what I had to do to survive. Now, my actual confession centers on my son’s favorite book as a toddler, “It’s Morning On The Farm” a Little People Book. Stupid little rhyming brain melting piece of literature, I can still quote the whole dang thing to this day and he will be 19 (and is becoming a Marine soon). His pawpaw and myself would take turns reading the book until we couldn’t take it anymore and then we would attempt to hide it by sliding it under the sofa when he wasn’t looking. He caught on to our scheme and when he couldn’t find his favorite story in the toy box, he would reach his hands under the sofa to find his treasured tome. We did everything short of throwing it away which my mother prevented us from doing to keep from reading the thing. To this day I will randomly start quoting the book to him for a good laugh.

  • I popped my two year old sons soccer ball….

  • Stepdad confession

    When my partner and I got together ten years ago, his daughter was at the tender age of 8. She was just a little sweetheart with a brain of a 30 year old. One day we got a call from an adult singles site asking to speak to her….. (we were not amused) When we went into the pc’s history we discovered several sites that she had been visiting. Her fat lazy aunt who was living with my partner at the time would say… “I told you to watch what she was doing on the computer…. but she isn’t my child so I didn’t do anything!” We didn’t say anything. Later that day she came home and wanted on the pc, With two computers in the house, I decided to change the access password on the account and not install it on the pc she used to prohibit her from getting online…. (her aunt also used it too! ) That night, she tried and couldn’t get online. she tried for 20 minutes then gave up. Her Aunt tried but couldn’t get online either….. she came into our bedroom where I had my iMac and saw that we were online. I just looked at her and said…. “It’s not my computer, why should I do anything about it” That is when my partner went off on both of them, her aunt soon moved out.

    To this day, as she is almost 18, my partner forbids me to take away items that are hers. U C she goes running to daddy and tells her that I am mean and hate her then he caves and gives the item back. To this day, when ever she refused to do the chores we request of her…. I just change the password on the router and tell her…. “the internet is broken!” We fight and scream then she ends up dong the chores that we asked…. and then some! This worked 4 times, now I don’t have to do this, she does the work that is requested of her, and NOT when she feels like it either.

    (sigh) I’m so wicked!

  • My 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter love candy, especially chocolate! Whenever I don’t feel like sharing mine, I just tell them it has nuts in it and they say “Yuck!” It works every time.

    If a loud toy “runs out” of batteries or gets “broken,” we send it to Grandad’s house and he “fixes” it. In reality he takes it home but it sits in his workshop and never gets fixed. Oh darn! They haven’t caught on to this yet.

    When the ice cream man makes his rounds, we tell my kids if he’s playing music, it’s to let everyone know he’s out of ice cream.

    If I want some peace and quiet for a few minutes, I tell my kids I’ve “lost” something and I need his help finding it. Usually it’s something small like a red button or a bobby pin, etc. It gives me a good 5-10 minutes of quiet while they’re searching for this lost object.

    On days when I really don’t have the energy or when I’m sick, I let them take a really long bubble bath with lots of toys. I sit in there with them and read a magazine. What would normally take 10 minutes lingers into 30 minutes and they think it’s a treat!

    When my kids are bored and I’m exhausted, I play fetch with them in the living room. I throw a small ball around and they pretend to be dogs and fetch the ball. This can go on for a good 30 minutes. I never have to get up once! They think it’s funny to act like dogs. I know it’s lazy but some days I just can’t help it.

  • Stepmomfession:

    My boyfriend has a 3 almost 4 year old daughter(all little girls seem to be obsessed with DORA). I have been living with my boyfriend since December 26th, I burned his daughter 3 Dora movies as her xmas present…little did I know she was only going to like 1 of the 3. Well finally after watching it about 30 times in one weekend..we started saying it was broken. So she changed to another Dora movie, again it became “broken” so on and so forth(this happened for about 4 Dora movies.

    After all the Dora movies ended up “broken” it became backyardigan & diego. Well we got tired of those so started drilling into her head that Dora, Diego & Back Yardigans are BABY MOVIES.(Again remember she is only 3 almost 4)

    She kept asking to watch these an we continued to say they were broken, but she could still see the cases in the bookshelf, well now we have netflix, and honestly she is stuck on Super Why & Sonic Underground…I’m ready to start saying they all died cause come on Super Why is more for toddlers, not kids who are in JK.

    Another thing is her toys…she never likes to clean them up..so she was given an altimatium, either clean them up or they go to the garbage. well she didn’t want to clean up so we grabbed garbage bags and started throwing her toys in. Then she went home to her moms, we took out most of the batteries from toys that made noises, and we put ALL her toys & her tv/VCR in the closet so when she showed up the next weekend, she thought all her stuff was in the garbage.

    I started feeling bad cause she had nothing to do except sit out in the living room with us adults so one weekend I told my boyfriend to put her toys back out. He pulled out one small box and her tv…she was so shocked..but since then she has started cleaning up.

    she’s not even my kid, and I felt horrible about taking her stuff away or saying things are broken…she’s just to cute, and very hard to say no to/ be mad at.

  • My oldest daughter, Aubrie hated her name. At the age of six she cried about it… I wanted her to feel better, because I LOVE her name, which is why I gave it to her. Well, Aubrey in old English means “elf ruler” so I put a twist to it and told her that she was an elf and that the age of 15 Santa was coming to get her to take her back to the North Pole, where she came from. There she would be the head elf and rule over them all and only answering to Santa!