There are two people living in my house that I am positive are actively attempting to kill me; three if you ask my husband the week of my period.
I’m not joking. Each day I become more convinced that this is the hands down, cross your heart and hope to die truth.
Those two…. I’m pretty sure they’re in on it together. They might act like they hate each other with every fiber of their being, but that’s probably just part of their cover.
If not in pursuit of my untimely demise, there would be no reason, no REAL, sensible, rational, legitimate reason for them to be doing 75% of the shit they do on a daily basis.
Explain to me, if not to shave years off of my life, why they would EVER need to silently sneak downstairs an hour after they’ve gone to bed, hide behind the couch, and slowly peek out at me- making me jump in fucking fright so hard that I pinch the shit out of my neck? Why?? I have to admit that I’m impressed that they got all the way down a set of stairs that I cannot descend without 15 cracks and pops and not make a single noise, but why shorten my life?
If not for a bounty on my head, why make me repeat myself over and over again until I get to the point where I’m not even sure I said it in the first place because no one fucking listened to me? If a mom tells you to do something, and no one cares to listen- did she really say it? I don’t know! All I’m sure of is that I have wasted precious hours of my life I could have spent doing something productive saying the same dumb thing repeatedly.
If not to stop my heart from beating- why would they insist on wrestling at the top of the stairs? Christ on a bicycle I swear it gives me palpitations every time!
If not to work me into a frenzy so intense that I can’t catch my breath and DIE- why would they be getting so good at “secret hide & seek” where they don’t tell me they’re playing and I can’t fucking find them anywhere and freak my shit out because I begin to think they must have wandered their asses outside and are now lost?
If they are not looking to make me perish from complete exhaustion- why, WHY are they both MORNING people that wake up before 7am on Saturdays? I do not like mornings. I do not like them on Saturday mornings.
If they aren’t trying to ensure that I snap my neck, tell me why they leave LEGOS at the BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS and conveniently in every single doorway, but never in the bin.
Now that I am onto their plan, they are likely going to speed up the plot to off me by doing things like adorably getting along and saying “I love you” to one another so that I die from cute overload. I’m afraid.
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.
School system: Here! Have a half day on Friday the 13th! Me: pic.twitter.com/Dy18C8R3dD
Spooking the Kids Without Scarring them for LIFE With Netflix! (and a giveaway!) goo.gl/fb/tkeWgB
I've never felt more in tune with nature than while watching my 8yo barf in the front yard this morning like a wild animal. Such majesty.