“What to expect,” my ass!

You can read all of the baby books you can get your hands on until they are covered in papercuts and your brain is about to explode. You can read all the “What to expect” crap that’s out, or even watch that atrocity of a movie- but when you find yourself waist deep inwhatto baby excrement, you will realize one clear truth: all of those books are full of shit. Kind of like your child was 5 minutes ago.

Those books and movies? They’re just not…. right. And it’s not just because all children are different- it’s because they don’t cover all the bases. They make it seem flowery and wonderful and clean and lovely to deal with tiny screaming humans all the time. It ain’t. Sure, it’s nice to know what some group of doctors think is the “normal” age to start talking (and then proceed to freak the fuck out when our kid passes that age without a peep)- but that’s not the stuff we want or NEED to know. Nope. It isn’t.

Every parent I know, at some point in the years they have little ones scrambling and destroying their homes, have griped that they wished (jokingly or seriously) kids came with a manual. An ACTUAL manual. None of this rainbows and butterflies nonsense. None of this “expectation” that will put you into a panic. The things that NO ONE tells you, but SHOULD, because while a lot of parenting horrors cannot be prevented- it’s at least nice to know they’re coming. Like a giant meteor heading straight for planet earth.

Obviously, there will never be this all-inclusive “manual”- there can’t be! But I thought I would share with you some of my knowledge, the shit I WISH people had told me and I can only assume they didn’t because they either wanted me to suffer or have completely lost their fucking minds. Either is possible. It’s best to be prepared- even if being prepared is knowing you are completely unprepared.

Here goes nothin’…

It’s okay to cry over spilled milk. It’s hard to clean up, and it’s expensive. It’s especially okay to cry if it’s breastmilk.

You WILL get pooped on. There is no if and or but, here. Well, there IS a butt. The kind with two T’s. BUT- It’s gonna happen. If you’re sitting there shaking your head, you just won’t know about it. You’ll have poop on your back and think people are staring at you because you look good. Nope. You’ve got poop back. Or poop under your nails. Never touch your eyes.

No matter their gender, they are disgusting. Don’t think that just because you have a girl., they won’t burp and fart you right out of the room. Don’t think that because you have a boy, they won’t smear your expensive red lipstick all over their faces and wear your bra around the house. When company is over.

You might consider yourself classy, with tact and a filter- but you WILL find yourself discussing poop at great length with the most random people without batting an eyelash.

It’s not inhuman for your tiny precious child to take a shit larger than their forearm. Calm down. And for God’s sake, stop staring!

You will love them with an unfaltering strength you have never known, but sometimes you will not like them very much- and that’s not only okay, but completely normal.

Don’t let people fool you- kegels only do so much.

Old pee diapers have the tendency to smell worse than crusty old poo diapers. Take out the damn bag regardless!

No one is going to lose sleep if you leave a few dirty dishes or don’t vacuum the carpet religiously. You shouldn’t either.

Occasionally, I know it’s hard- but occasionally you MUST put yourself first. This isn’t to say you’re “more important” than the baby/kid, don’t think of it that way- but if you are completely out of commission, who is going to take care of that wee one? Take you time. Go to the doctor. Take an hour for yourself. Take a breather outside. Take CARE of yourself, or you won’t be able to take care of others- and then parental guilt sets in. That shit sucks.

Routine is great. Routine is wonderful- but not getting your kid to nap at the same exact time every single day is NOT the end of the world. Took me a long ass time and a lot of stress to figure that out. Thanks for nothing, What to Expect “The First Year.” Not.

Most importantly? RELAX. Seriously. relax. Your kid isn’t going to be mad at you for one “fuck up” (in your opinion)- they love you. That’s all that matters. Don’t take it so seriously. Love, and laugh. Vent, scream into a pillow, and then laugh at yourself.  Remember to breathe. It goes by too quickly, and you will miss it if you’re too busy stressing your ass out about insignificant crap all the time.

Those who have been through it- do you agree? Add the IMPORTANT things you actually learned outside of ridiculous books in the comments.

Posted on July 5, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Oh the nasty pee diapers. Who knew? I do now! Still haven’t been pooped on, but then, we haven’t really gotten into potty training. He has peed on me numerous times. ๐Ÿ˜›

    And I got home today will my make-up box strewn across the dining room, lip stain used as a marker. Oh the joys! And yes, my two year old son does try to put on Mommy’s “boobie catcher.” He prefers the blue one. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • You forgot spit up. When my daughter was little she had really bad acid reflex and could not tolerate formula. One day I was laying down and holding her over me and she puked all over my hair and face. It was gross, but I love my daughter and I cherish every moment with her, even that, it gets many laughs when we tell it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Wow what a great post and so true. I read so many parenting books and in the end just decided that I had to make my own decisions and play it all by ear – so much more empowering and calming! Great tips and all parents should know this stuff.

  • A-maz-ing!

    I wish this was what I read when I had EMRY..
    Those books were just AWFUL!

  • Oh the nap-time routine! I was OBSESSED. Friends have told me recently (now that I’m out of the nap-time phase) that they thought I was insane during that period. I would seriously almost cry if I thought my kid’s nap was going to get messed up. I left a perfectly good barbeque once, before eating, because of it.


  • They rly do get into EVERYTHING… my son got ahold of out kitchen fore extinguisher two days ago…and jammed the button…I’m STILL trying to clean that blue junk up!!! They drive me insane…but are totally worth every second

  • i have two girls. there is a dead bird laying under a tree on the way to my daughters school, we walked past it this afternoon and do you know what my four year old did? she stroked it. even with me screaming like a madwoman at her to get away, she not only stroked it herself but brought it to the attention of all the school kids and got THEM stroking it too. this is normal for my daughter….. dont let anyone fool you. girls are not fluffy shiny squeaky clean pristine princesses. girls are GROSS my seven year old has horrible stinky feet like her daddy and you know what she does with her stinky shoes? she chases people with them and tries to make them smell her grotty foot smell. theyre also loud – i have friends with boys and no girls and they are forever shocked that my two girls make more noise than their boys. oh, and my oldest child was recently discovered trying to figure out the best way to blow up a car. not with anyone in it or anything, she just really wants to watch something blow up in real life…… nobody ever told me that girls are actually gross, evil little bundles of destruction who dont understand the concept of quiet and, even worse, look completely friggin innocent the whole time. theyre also adorable, sweet, loving little girls but theyre still gross, lol. thats the most important thing about kids i think – not liking everything they do doesnt make you a bad parent, and certainly doesnt mean you dont love them. just means you know them, and youre honest enough to admit it ๐Ÿ™‚