Terrible memories of the suckage that is potty training

Since bringing home our new puppy last night, I have cleaned up over 5 gigantic pees throughout the house.

For one- I forgot just how much a dog bladder can hold. I mean, SHIT! For two- I realized I had blocked out of my memory the horror of potty training so well that I’d completely blanked on it when considering bringing a new creature into this house.

As I was sopping up a giant puddle of puppy pee off of the kitchen floor (which is FAR better than the carpet)- memories came flooding back into my mind. This is the fourth beast I will have to train that pissing anywhere other than in an appropriate designated spot is BAD. BAD BAD BAD. I guess I understand why dogs pee and poo in the house- they’re dogs. What harm is it going to do to them if they unleash upon the carpet? A KID however… I still, after all this time, can’t wrap my mind around it.blog78


I’m serious, here. I don’t understand it.

Blah blah, you have to learn to recognize the feeling of “having to go” and all that nonsense and that’s “hard” to do and blah blah blah. Let’s look past that for a moment in order to acknowledge that even if they don’t know they’re going until it’s already done- they still decide it’s wondrous and magical and fantastical to SIT in a dirty diaper instead of telling you! And you KNOW they know.
You know from the times you’ve found the crap under their nails. Or the time they peed through their diaper and through their clothes so much that they’re totally soaked and wreaking of asparagus. Or the time you can smell the smell from ALL the way across the house and you KNOW they know it’s there.
Wouldn’t you think if you dropped a giant steaming turd in your drawers, you’d FEEL it? Or had the runs and filled your unders with a lovely sloshing liquidy load- you’d KNOW? We’ve all seen the faces- the red grunting concentration- they KNOW they’re going. Oh yes, they do.
It can only stay warm and comforting in there for so long, and then it starts to fester. Then it starts to rash their ass. Wouldn’t a human want to AVOID that? Doesn’t everyone want a FRESH ass? Non-pruny bits and pieces? Clean smelling crotchal region?

I mean, have mercy here- when I was potty training the kids, they spent more time IN the frickin’ bathroom than ANYWHERE else! I swore I spent the better part of a year (combined) sitting on a bathroom floor. What’s the fun in that unless you’re hurling from a fun night of drinking?

Being potty trained is a win/win for EVERYONE!
It should be as simple as
“Hey kid, do you wanna sit in your own excrement anymore?”
“Ew no!”
“Alright then, let’s use the potty from now on”
But nooooo, that would just make too much logical sense- and since when do kids use logic?
Let me rephrase- since when do kids use logic on PURPOSE?

Kids should be born potty trained. As should dogs. Hey, scientists, get on top of that shit. Stat!

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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1 Comment

  • Hate away, my now almost 4yo boy potty trained over night when he was 27 months. (If you don’t count INTENTIONALLY pissing in everything that so much as resEmbled a box or bucket in his room…but that’s another story:/) I now have a 4 month old and I know I’m in for it:/ I’m scared………..