Look, I love the summer. I love the hot sun, the warm breeze, not having to wear pants, and the lack of shivering. Shivering SUCKS.
When I asked for the summer to HURRY THE HELL UP AND START when Mother Nature was PMSing and it was snowing in March here in the south- I should have known she would take offense.
When I said I wanted it “hot”- I meant 85. Just enough to scorch the shit out of your skin, but if you are wise and wear a high SPF, it only FEELS like your flesh is roasting.
Instead what we got was weather so hot it feels like Satan’s Grandma’s 4th of July celebration with the whole Satan family and they’re roasting up some human souls on the grill.
There is nothing okay about being so damn hot that people can tell you have no more liquid inside your body because of the perspiration seeping through your shorts due to swamp-ass weather.
I remember the last time it was this hot quite vividly. I was young, and riding in the back of my mom’s Chevy Astro- one of the most hideous minivans one could ever hope to lay eyes on. She pulled over on our way home to say hello to a neighbor of ours who was doing yard work. Why someone would choose to do manual labor when they did not have to on a day that was THAT hot, I will never know, but I digress.
He was crouched over, fiddling with his flower beds, so when he saw my mom pulling to a stop, he perked up into the upright position and that’s when I saw it. The front of his shorts were SOAKED. Not the whole front, mind you- just the part where his- for lack of a better term- crown jewels would hang. I was confused. I mean, of course, I knew about sweat- but why JUST there? If he’s that hot, why wouldn’t ALL of him be hot?
Being the curious youth that I was, I made the mistake of asking. For some reason I just HAD to know why only that specific part of the front of his shorts were wet. Did he get hit by a water balloon?
Poor naive me. My mom actually laughed.
“Balls. Ball sweat, Jenny. They sweat more than other parts considering their close quarters.”
Jaw- meet floor. I know these are strange circumstances, but it’s about time you were properly introduced.
My innocence was stolen from me that day- all because of swamp-ass levels of heat. It’s possible that I’m a little bitter about it. Mostly, I just never want to see such a horrifying thing EVER again, and I would prefer not to roast in the heat. Days like that, like THIS one today- those are days you STAY THE HELL INSIDE. You stay inside and camp out next to an air conditioning vent. You pull out the floor fans because your stupid ass AC unit can’t do it’s frickin’ job adequately enough. You take off your damn pants and let your shit breathe. You stick your head into the freezer.
Even after explaining this to the kids MULTIPLE times in as many ways as I could figure out because my brain looks like one of those anti-drug ads; you know the one- with Rachel Leigh Cook frying up an egg? Yeah that’s me, minus the drugs. I’m POSITIVE they understood what I meant.
IT’S REALLY FUCKING HOT, KIDS! REALLY REALLY DEATHLY HOT!
Do they care? Pssshhhhhhhhhhhh!
No no, don’t listen to Mommy one little bit, even though she’s trying to keep you from fainting or heat stroke or melanoma or looking like a human lobster with nervous twitches.
“We wanna go outside and plaaaaaay!”
I don’t understand it. I can’t last more than 5 minutes out there, but they’re running in fucking circles screaming “WEEEEEEEEE!” like this weather doesn’t bother them at all. They don’t even feel it!
How are kids immune to the weather? HOW? I must know how! How do they not care that they are drenched in sweat and their faces are red and the heat is so overbearing that it looks like they’re moving in slow motion- yet still when you say “okay, really. We have to go in. This is ridiculous” they bitch and moan about wanting to stay out?
How if it’s negative 500 degrees and they have boogercicles hanging from their noses,they still want to stay outside in only a light jacket, claiming “it’s not that cold!” ??
Inquiring minds want to know! Mostly, I want to figure out if it’s some mass childhood conspiracy just to torture the parents, a long passed down tradition from spawn to spawn that gets erased from the brain once a human hits adulthood… or if we parents are all just giant fucking babies about the weather- spoiled for too many years by central air conditioning and gas/oil heat- and little children are more like cavemen than what we consider the “evolved” human race today.
ME HUNGRY! ME WANT FOOD! ME HIT ANIMAL OVER HEAD WITH STICK! ME NO WIPE BUTT.
Thinking about it that way… it makes total sense.
The human life cycle doesn’t go baby-toddler-child-teen-adult-senior citizen-dead.
It goes a little something like stinkbug-zombie-caveman-asshole-baby-infant-dead.
Don’t even try to tell me that doesn’t make perfect sense. These caveman kids are built to withstand ANYTHING. Even the stench of their own asses. We never stood a chance!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times