Yesterday afternoon, Holden found himself in a wee bit of trouble; for what, I don’t even remember because every weekend that kid goes apeshit with the sass and attitude and after a while all of that crap just starts to run together and you can’t pick out your ass from your elbow.
What I do recall from the long and frustrating conversation is that somewhere in the middle of it, we had to remind the child that he IS just a child. This displeased him greatly, and he let us know by responding “Well, I wish I was an adult!”
He was so mad, and so serious. The childhood solution to everything is to become an adult. As if magically, all problems, barriers, bumps in the road and hurdles to jump poof into thin air. That didn’t exactly work out for Tom Hanks in “Big” now did it?
I’m flattered by his notion that I get everything whenever I want; Really, I am- but you’ve got it all wrong, kid!
He has been saying that so often lately that the only thing I can really think to say back to him is “Well, I wish I was a kid!”
No matter how many times or how many ways I try to explain just how easy he truly has it, he won’t hear any of it.
While Holden is sitting on the floor with his arms crossed and a giant pout on his face, mumbling about how unfair life is because he can’t do the things he wants to do since he’s not an adult, it gets me thinking about all the things I can’t do because I’m not a kid.
All of the things they bitch and moan about doing are things that, when you become an adult, you wish you had taken COMPLETE AND TOTAL advantage of. It’s true! You find yourself reminiscing in memories and wishing you had only known then what you know now. Damn all this “you learn it with time” crap- we should know what we need to know IMMEDIATELY. Like how completely AWESOME being a kid is, and how being an adult- if you take away driving and drinking (never at the same time, duh) sucks donkey balls. Yeah, I said donkey balls.
Every day after lunch since the summer began, I encourage my “grown up” 5 year old to take a nap like his little brother. “THAT’S FOR BABIES!” he yells, “AND I AM NOT A BABY!”
Calm your tits, kid. Naps are not for babies. “You are SO going to wish you took more naps when you get to be my age and a nap sounds like the most amazing thing in the world, but you can’t do it because you’re an adult and being adult means responsibilities and crap you HAVE to do, and none of that is playing or building crap or taking wonderful refreshing NAPS.”
He rolls his eyes.
“You will look back at this one day and smack yourself in the forehead.”
Kids can take naps EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every day! And yet they won’t. When school is out, they can sleep in. I encourage them to sleep in- yet they’re still up before 7am. They are definitely going to kick their own asses over that one. What’s with the sleep hate?
If I could go back and do things differently- knowing what I know now?
Not only would I nap every single day and sleep in every single morning- but I’d have begged my mom to cook more meals from scratch instead of whining about wanting pizza or wanting to go out or how her cooking tasted like butt vomit when it didn’t just because I wanted some chicken mcfucking nuggets. Her cooking was awesome, and now, no matter how hard I try to replicate it- I can’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I like fast food- but there’s nothing like a home cooked meal.
I try to get this through my kids’ thick skulls when they’re shrieking for “HATO BELL!”- one day you (hopefully) won’t live at home and out of nowhere you will get a craving for my chicken pot pie, you know, the one you whined “NOT AGAIN!” about when I pulled it out of the fridge on leftovers night? Yeah, that one. You’re gonna want it, and you won’t be able to get it- SO EAT IT NOW, and as much of it as possible!
While we’re at it- y’know what else I’d do differently? Christmas. I’d believe in that giant effer we call Santa for a hell of a lot longer. Or I’d pretend to, anyway. We all know that once the Santa jig is up, the amount of gifts reduces. Not to mention, that shit was fun!
He wants to be me, and I want to be him. Maybe we can go all Freaky Friday up in this bitch for a day and both learn to appreciate our current ages for what they are instead of griping about wanting to be older or younger or with more responsibility or less. Due to the fact that I don’t think he or I will be cracking open a magic body-switching fortune cookie a la Lindsay Lohan- I think we’ll have to settle with who we are now. Eventually, he will learn that I am right, but really- he should appreciate the whole nap thing ASAP.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times