Eat your heart out, Criss Angel

Even though he is a mega-douche and I can hardly stand to look at him without snorting at what he’s wearing or his hair or the over-the-top dramatics, I still can’t help but to sit and watch and be mesmerized any time Criss Angel comes on TV. Whether it be illusion, magic, or deal with the devil- all I know is I can’t do what he’s doing and I find that fascinating and honestly? Kind of amazing.criss

Being that I am a housewife living in Virginia with two small turdmonkeys that rarely let me get out of the house to even take the damn trash out, and Criss Angel seems to only have shows in Las Vegas these days- I don’t see myself traveling across the country, I assumed I would never get the chance to see him levitate or attend his Cirque Du SoMagic show of magical weirdness.

I am aware that there is some super secret magician’s club in Hollywood, but I think magic (or being able to pull of illusions) may be one of those talents you are either born with, or you’re not. The reason I say this is because I’m pretty sure both of my kids have it. They most certainly didn’t get it from me; I can’t even pull off a simple card trick without spraying the deck all over the room. Maybe it’s a regressive trait? Skipped a generation? My mom could always see what I was doing even with her back to me and she said it was the magical third eye in the back of her head… perhaps they got it from her!

Regardless of where this skill came from- the force is strong within those two.

Yesterday before lunch, the boys sat at the kitchen table drawing pictures and then using masking tape to hang those pictures up around the house. Holden is coordinated enough with his hands to be able to do all of this himself, but not the little dude, which frustrates him to no end so he grabbed the role of tape and was carrying it around like it was his most prized possession.
Parker requested a HUGE sheet of paper, which he proceeded to scribble on with red crayon for about 3.4 seconds, and then insisted on hanging this picture on his wall. I tried to get him to at least put a little more effort into it, maybe an extra color or two, before displaying it, but he was adamant.

Okay then. Let’s do it.

“Where’d the tape go” Parker asked, looking at his hand that mere seconds ago was gripping that roll as if it were the last one on earth and was now empty. Poof. Vanished!
I was slightly confused at this point, but figured he must have put it down somewhere, maybe it got covered up- who knows. Kids are weird.
I told him if he wanted it so badly, he was going to need to go and find where it is that he set it down. Not me. After under 2 minutes of making the circle from the kitchen into the living room calling to the tape like it was a lost puppy, his calm disposition degraded into tears. He didn’t find it. I don’t believe he ACTUALLY looked for it, but obviously he wasn’t going to now through the crocodile tears.
FINE. Fine. I will look. And so I did, figuring it would be in plain sight, as it usually is whenever you tell a kid to go pick something up and they’re spinning in fucking CIRCLES instead of looking directly in front of them and you can just hear the gray hair sprouting out of your scalp. That damn roll of tape was absolutely NOWHERE to be found. And I actually did look.

sleightI don’t know how he managed it, but Parker pulled off the best sleight of hand I have ever witnessed. I’m beginning to think I missed the boat and he should be competing on America’s Got Talent. Yeah- I know what you’re thinking- it’s one thing to make an item disappear but the trick isn’t any good unless the item re-appears just as magically. And it did. Out of NOWHERE, hours after he’d finally gotten over losing it in the first place- there it was. Back in his sticky little hand.
What the?? Where the?? How the?? I looked EVERYWHERE for that thing! Under things, over things, behind things, in between things- it was GONE! It didn’t exist! And yet- there it was, like it had never left, and Parker looking victorious as if he were Houdini and just escaped from chains, upside down, in a tub of water.

Much like Mr. Angel, and with almost as many dramatics, Parker pulled off an amazing illusion with ease. WITHOUT going to some super secret magic club or any training at all. How ya like them apples, Criss??
I’m pretty impressed. Actually, I’m always impressed- because he does this shit ALL.THE.TIME. So does Holden. I’m sure this is the reaction they want, instead of me digging around the house for their secret compartment of hoarder like proportions where they hide all of this shit they claimed to lose only to pull it back out just as I’ve forgotten they lost it like it’s MAGIC! TAADAA!

I need them to teach me their ways and them promptly forget so that I can hide the good chocolate and Christmas presents. Somehow, with all the years I have on them, they are better than me. Shit ain’t right.

Posted on July 26, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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  • When Emry was less than a year old.. He hid my key ring (WITH EVERY DAMN KEY I NEEDED ON IT)… and I didn’t find it until 6 months later (and getting a car key, car lock pad, house key, etc reprinted came out to about $180.. so there was that too)….

    When I found them.. .He smiled and giggled…

    Damn monkey… I love him.