**Disclaimer. Please note this is intended for humor, and likely not for the easily butthurt, individuals with head-crammed-up-ass syndrome, or those who have forgotten how to laugh at life.
No matter how hard I try sometimes, I can’t deny that there are two children tagging along with me everywhere, and yes- they fell out of my vagina.
Yeah yeah, those screeching weasels are mine.
Before anyone goes getting all huffy and offended about how awful I am for wanting to pretend my two partners in crime are total strangers when we’re out in public and they are raising absolute hell- simmer. I love my kids. I don’t have to love how they act.
Let’s be blunt- kids are fucking annoying. There’s no denying that! Every single one of them is obnoxious and annoying and sometimes we adults want to run screaming in the other direction. It is their JOB to irritate people, and they should really get a raise because man oh man do they do it well.
The question is- how much can you handle?
If you don’t have kids yet, I think there are some things you should consider before making the decision to dive into the gene pool to try and yank something out, because it’s a LIFELONG decision- so you should be absolutely sure you can handle something that leeched off of its mother for months only to pop out into the world and leech off of you for EVER! Forever is a long, folks.
I’m here to help! Since, as we all know by now, the two little humans that are with me all the time are in fact mine- and I’m a pretty irritable person who is also horribly honest, I’ll tell you that you shouldn’t have kids if…
You can’t handle someone asking for a crayon so you give them the entire bucket so that they may pick out their own, and they cry
It frustrates you when you make someone a sandwich, the kind they asked for, and when you bring it to them they don’t want it anymore
You find it overwhelmingly irritating that someone can say they’re tired but refuse to go to sleep
The sound of food smacking or mouths full of food talking drives you insane
You like to actually HEAR what you’re watching on TV
It would upset you to have your fart announced to anyone within shouting distance
You don’t like to share. Everything.
You have a problem with always being wrong. Even when you’re right.
The mandatory task of repeatedly wiping someone else’s ass is more than you can stomach
You cannot function on less than 8 hours of sleep. For 18 years straight.
Worrying about the stupidest shit on the planet like what shape a sandwich is cut into or if you’ll be home in time for a child’s regularly scheduled nap would drive you crazy
You highly value privacy in the bathroom
You hate unconditional unwavering love and affection
Consider all of these things long and hard… and then do it anyway. Kids are awesome. They are also awful and ALL of the things I listed above are frighteningly true- but it’s worth it.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times