Compelling reasons why you shouldn’t have children

**Disclaimer. Please note this is intended for humor, and likely not for the easily butthurt, individuals with head-crammed-up-ass syndrome, or those who have forgotten how to laugh at life.

No matter how hard I try sometimes, I can’t deny that there are two children tagging along with me everywhere, and yes- they fell out of my vagina.
Yeah yeah, those screeching weasels are mine.

Before anyone goes getting all huffy and offended about how awful I am for wanting to pretend my two partners in crime are total strangers when we’re out in public and they are raising absolute hell- simmer. I love my kids. I don’t have to love how they act.

Let’s be blunt- kids are fucking annoying. There’s no denying that! Every single one of them is obnoxious and annoying and sometimes we adults want to run screaming in the other direction. It is their JOB to irritate people, and they should really get a raise because man oh man do they do it well.

The question is- how much can you handle?

If you don’t have kids yet, I think there are some things you should consider before making the decision to dive into the gene pool to try and yank something out, because it’s a LIFELONG decision- so you should be absolutely sure you can handle something that leeched off of its mother for months only to pop out into the world and leech off of you for EVER! Forever is a long, folks.

I’m here to help! Since, as we all know by now, the two little humans that are with me all the time are in fact mine- and I’m a pretty irritable person who is also horribly honest, I’ll tell you that you shouldn’t have kids if…

You can’t handle someone asking for a crayon so you give them the entire bucket so that they may pick out their own, and they cry
It frustrates you when you make someone a sandwich, the kind they asked for, and when you bring it to them they don’t want it anymore
You find it overwhelmingly irritating that someone can say they’re tired but refuse to go to sleep
The sound of food smacking or mouths full of food talking drives you insane
You like to actually HEAR what you’re watching on TV
It would upset you to have your fart announced to anyone within shouting distance
You don’t like to share. Everything.
You have a problem with always being wrong. Even when you’re right.
The mandatory task of repeatedly wiping someone else’s ass is more than you can stomach
You cannot function on less than 8 hours of sleep. For 18 years straight.
Worrying about the stupidest shit on the planet like what shape a sandwich is cut into or if you’ll be home in time for a child’s regularly scheduled nap would drive you crazy
You highly value privacy in the bathroom
You hate unconditional unwavering love and affection

Consider all of these things long and hard… and then do it anyway. Kids are awesome. They are also awful and ALL of the things I listed above are frighteningly true- but it’s worth it.

Posted on July 24, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 5 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I can be irritable too, but as I’m already 5 months pregnant and was planning on having kids all along, I’ll have to deal with it.
    This made me laugh 🙂

  • Omg, I haven’t even read this whole thing yet, and I’m already laughing so hard I can’t breathe! People look at me funny, and especially my mom when she asks me how are the kids and I say they’re being total assholes right now. She doesn’t understand how I could say such a thing about my kids when, um, hello!!!! I was her daughter!! I”m sure she’s said worse things about me, if not to other people, surely in her mind! Granted I was 15ish when I was crazy, but I’m sure I was insane at 4 as well! I have a 3 and a 4 year old. 11 months apart. And yes, my 4 year old will be an asshole and my 3 year old follows suit. You and I think the same when it comes to how we love our kids. I love them to pieces. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. However, some days I daydream about it LoL. Some days I wish for it. And some day I can’t STAND that I’m a mother to these hellish kids who have NO idea how to act ANYWHERE, but when it comes down to it, and they’re in bed for the night, I wouldn’t have it any other way….. Now on to the rest of the blog….

  • Spot on, and I’m screwed, because I hate all those things, except for the last one, and I already have a kid. Damn.