When I found myself impregnated with baby #2- as shocked as I was- the world around me was passing the hell out.
DEAR GOD! UNHEARD OF! THE HORROR!! BLASPHEMY!!!
Duh! Of course I do- I french kissed a boy! You can get pregnant that way, ya know??
It’s honestly one of the most obnoxious things in the world to announce your pregnancy and get a line of questioning in return instead of confetti cannons and offerings of cake and brownies.
Why did I suddenly start thinking about this now? Well, last night my uterus decided to randomly erupt because The Curse, aka Aunt Flo, aka the dreaded PERIOD just can’t seem to decide on any kind of normal cycle and I found myself wanting to yank out a plastic spork and go crazy on it more than usual. And then I thought “Well, that’s one good thing about pregnancy- no period,” and THEN I thought about if I were ever to find myself in the precarious situation where I was full of womb-invader yet again, just how ugly and negative people would be because of how ugly and negative they were the last time- and THEN I thought about how I wish I would have thought to be totally snarky back at them because that would have been totally awesome.
I don’t understand how my brain falls down these rabbit holes, I just know that it does, and I like to follow it to see where it goes. I’m always surprised and entertained by the destination.
So, whether you are currently “with child,” one day magically become pregnant via french kiss, or plan your next ankle-biter and instead of the WOOHOOs you feel you so rightfully deserve get a bunch of judgy a-holeish comments upon the announcement of such, I have come up with some answers you could give, just to mess with people; because why not?
As much as we’d love to rid the world of assholes, unfortunately it seems that they will always be out there- and the shittiest ones always seem to float to the top- so if we HAVE to deal with them, we should at least have a little bit of fun with them, right?
WHY did you get pregnant again?!?!
I just wanted a break from my period
I like the pregnancy parking at stores because parking far away and having to walk sucks.
I wanted an excuse to eat whatever the hell I want without people questioning me.
The boobs are AWESOME.
I’m tired of wearing real pants!
I wanted a vacation. Maternity leave is basically the same thing.
I just like the attention, I’m not really interested in the baby.
WHAT?? PREGNANT?! I’m not pregnant! How DARE you!
Y’know- it’s tough enough that we ladies have to deal with the carrying and delivery of said children- but then to be questioned on top of it? It’s a serious decision, whether or not to have a baby, and to have turdberries question it, as though they have the right? Well, they deserve to be fucked with. As much as possible.
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
Don't feel bad for tossing frozen chicken strips in the oven and calling it dinner. Don't even feel bad if you don't turn them over. holdinholden.com/2016/05/shit…
To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"