Twas the beginning of summer vacation and all through the house,
EVERY fucking creature was stirring- you wish it were only a mouse!
The book bags were tossed in the closet without a care,
Replaced by swimsuits and flip flops for the hot summer air.
The children were shrieking, the year’s finally done,
We made it through school and now it’s time for some fun!
Poor me, my nerves shot, and papa annoyed,
By the hyper and wild INSANE young girls and boys.
From the other room constantly comes a loud crash,
We have to roll our eyes and get up off of our ass.
For three months we know we won’t get a single breath,
Our evil children will spend them running us to our death.
We count minutes ’til bed times and a nice quiet nights,
mixed drinks and beers instead of koolaid and ice.
The weather gets hotter and sweat starts to drip,
and we long for the days when on ice we would slip.
Poor little babies keep complaining “We’re bored!”
we reply with “Here’s a novel idea, get your ass outdoors!”
“But Mommy, can’t we take a vacation?” they cry,
And that’s when we snap “If you’re going to screech like that you’d better be on fire with a stick in your eye!”
Now Monday, now Tuesday, now Wednesday and Thursday,
On weekends and mornings and and our once beloved Friday,
From the beginning of warmth to the onset of Fall,
This stupid fucking summer just won’t seem to end at all.
Like leaves in the wind away our sanity floats,
As our evil crotchfruit smile and gloat,
Three whole months we must occupy and entertain,
While wondering what must go on in a teacher’s brain.
We call all around looking for a sitter,
To get just one moment alone on the shitter,
Deadbolts and duct tape only go so far,
Take my damn money, we’ll escape in the car!
Fast enough can’t come the 4th of July,
Where at least day drinking won’t get even a bat of the eye.
Fireworks are quiet compared to the mouths,
Of bratty, bored children once school has let out.
Nothing quite matches the twinkle in the eyes of Mom and Dad,
When the TV is flooded with “Back to School” ads.
We run to the store and fill up our carts,
The sky full of rainbows and butterfly farts!
Just one more month! We can do it, we think,
Our sanity is already dangling on the brink.
From day trips and ice creams and annoying car rides,
And sand in our vaginas from strong beach rip tides.
We’ll get chubby and plump with the onset of winter,
If it means a little peace while trying to make dinner.
Now we understand why our folks loved homework,
This gives us an all-knowing parenting smirk.
It’s the last week of summer, we need not say a word,
but behind their backs, we flip our children the bird.
Like magic we feel our stress levels decreasing,
as they start to pack their bags- my, how pleasing!
Then comes that fateful day we’ve been waiting for,
we usher our children right to the door.
With kisses and hugs, good lucks and their pouts,
we say “Happy first day of school- now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.