There is no true, accurate, and precise way to prepare oneself for all that comes along with the title of “Parent.” Not even a gajillion siblings and years of being a faithful member of the Babysitters Club (or even just reading the books) will give you all of the answers before dipping your very own toe in the water.
After a few years of learning the ins and outs, and also to never be surprised at the constant surprises- we send their little asses off to school, well aware that it is basically nothing more than a disgusting petri dish of plague, books, and fecal matter- but even THAT cannot prepare us for the horror of the first year disease until precious brings home the stomach flu that he contracted from Jimmy who sits across from him and never washes his hands and it proceeds to rip through the entirety of your house making every family member explode from both ends and you’re left wondering why bad things happen to good people that this whole parenthood deal really starts to sink in.
If it’s not snot faucets, it’s fevers. If it’s not fevers, it’s lice. If it’s not lice, it’s the flu, or pneumonia, or some other kind of disgusting infection that will make you question what you once thought was a wise decision to reproduce.
Obviously, by this point, it is FAR too late to turn back- and those little buggers don’t come with receipts and there is a strict “no returns!” policy stamped on their asses, and there’s no trading them in for store credit, so you have to find a way to cope.
The only real thing to do in a situation like this is to find SOME kind of bright side- which we all know is far easier said (or typed) than done.
Not potty trained? At least we won’t have to make five thousand fucking stops at EVERY skeezy scary public restroom during a long trip.
Not talking much yet? The peace and quiet sure is lovely!
Miss them while they’re at school? At least they’re taking out most of their a-holey energy on someone else! Or saving it up for you because they just love you THAT much.
Perspective, my friends- PERSPECTIVE!
School may have been out now for almost two weeks- but when I woke up a few mornings ago unable to open my eyes and once pried apart was met by redness that can only be matched by the contacts worn by extras on The Walking Dead- my FIRST thought was who in the hell put their stanky dirty ass on my pillow and gave me PINK EYE. My second? Holden’s random sickness his last week of school- with one gunky red eye. I’d thought it was just a little bit of a cold and he only stayed home for one day- but with my poor painful eyes attempting to stare back at me, I knew. That contagious little shit gave me pink eye!!
Somehow I had managed to avoid contracting this shit my ENTIRE life, and I just had to go and have kids of my own!
Now I might as well run away to a leper colony; it’s THAT bad. It’s disgusting and itchy and miserable and my eyes alternate between feeling like they are constantly being stabbed by needles and a peeling sunburn.
I know what you might be thinking- there is NO bright side to pink eye! And for the first two days I thought the same thing. I don’t know how kids deal with these sicknesses all the time and bounce back so quickly because for real, I feel like I’m dying and my eyeballs will be the first thing to go. By way of explosion. How could this possibly have any kind of positive at all?
Oh… it can be! Oh yes! I found it!
You see- Pink Eye, aka Conjunctivitis, aka MY FUCKING EYES ARE ON FIRE is highly contagious. The “don’t come near me, don’t breathe my air, carry a disinfecting wipe at all times” kind of contagious, so people say.
Do you know what this means??? It means I can’t share ANYTHING. NOTHING! No drinks, no food, no couch space- NOTHING.
Everything I touch is mine and ONLY mine. I honestly had forgotten what it was like to have something just for myself- usually I have crotchfruit climbing up my legs and whining for a bite or a sip or part of my blanket or the air that I’m breathing with those obnoxious Puss in Boots giant eyeballs and damnit- as hard as I try, it’s usually just too hard to say no.
I have to tell you, this whole “NO, MINE! DON’T TOUCH!” business? It is positively MAGICAL!
Sure, I may have disgusting, frightening, itchy, gunky hideous red eyes- but my cookie is MINE! And the total displeasure on the kids’ faces when I gleefully tell them NO upon their requests to share? Icing atop the crusty cake.
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8