I have done my best to answer some questions that many of us (parents especially) have wondered for years upon years– but there are ALWAYS questions left unanswered. Ones, that any time I get a quiet moment (which is rare, but still!) pop into my head and bug the shit out of me.
Yes, there must be mystery left in the world or we would all be bored, blah blah blah- but that doesn’t mean we don’t wonder…
What ever DID happen to predictability- the milkman the paperboy and evening TV? Why the hell won’t anyone tell us how to get to Sesame Street? WHY, if Donald Duck wears no pants, does he cover his bottom half with a towel after bathing? What sadist put an S in the word “lisp”? Was MJ really not Billie Jean’s lover? She seemed so sure! Why didn’t anyone teach Dora an INSIDE VOICE? If she and Diego are cousins, why is there always the sneaking suspicion that there is a love connection? Why does stubbing a toe hurt worse than breaking one? If Mickey’s best friend is a dog, and he and all of his friends are all animals who walk upright and talk- why is his pet a dog who can’t? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why do you drive in the parkway and park on the driveway? If penises and vaginas were called “wands” and “flowers”- would we still think the words for them were weird sounding? Shouldn’t MTV change their name if they hardly play music? How, if Mrs. Potts is seemingly 80 years old, does she have a bunch of children under 5, and where is her baby daddy? Why is it 2013 and we still don’t have a “fold laundry” button on our dryers? How do such small children produce such GIGANTIC shits? Where in the world IS Carmen San Diego? If the temperature of the shower is too cold, why, when we adjust it a millimeter does it scald the shit out of us? Does ANYONE know the Muffin Man? Why do math problems always have people buying truckloads of fruit? What average person buys that much fruit? Will we ever find Jimmy Hoffa’s body? How is it possible that Alanis Morisette got SO mad at the ridiculous Uncle “Cut. It. Out” Joey that she had to write a song like “You Oughtta Know”? Did everybody REALLY love Raymond? Where is Andy’s dad and why the hell wasn’t Sid locked up in juvy instead of blowing toys to pieces? Why is the food that is the most delicious the worst for you? Is Waldo still at large? Did Ross & Rachel stay together for the long haul or did they go on another break? What IS Nickelodeon slime made from? What the hell kind of bird is Big Bird? And seriously- WHY hasn’t anyone smothered Max, Ruby or Caillou yet?
These are the things I NEED TO KNOW! Okay, I don’t… but I do wonder.
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
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