I want to be my kid when I grow up

This is Holden’s very last week of Kindergarten, and I spent the morning sitting in a room surrounded by wriggly squirmy 5 and 6 year old’s, with my very own standing at the front- most of the attention on him, confidently reading a book he wrote and illustrated.012
It’s often that he impresses me, kids tend to do that to their parents- but I’m not sure I’ve ever felt quite so… I’m not even sure the word for it. Proud? Amazed? Happy? Sad? I can’t quite describe it.

I was sitting there in total awe of this amazing little human thinking- who is this? How did I give birth to someone so fearless? When I was his age, I was so ridiculously shy that I spent more time than I care to admit hiding behind my mom’s legs. Other than math. public speaking was my LEAST favorite part of school. Even today I still don’t like it and avoid it if at all possible. It took me so many years to be able to do the things he conquers with ease already; years to learn the things he already knows and understands; to accept that fear isn’t always a bad thing, and neither is wearing your heart on your sleeve; to choose reading over video games. Who IS this little, yet not so little boy?
He even, at 5 years old, pushes himself to get everything right on the first try and is hard on himself when he doesn’t.

That’s when it occurred to me: This little boy is ME- only the improved version. He is, in a sense, who I always wanted to be before “real” life complicated things and I lost my way. In a lot of ways, he is the person I am still striving to be. Loving life, loving learning- no doubts or drama or gossip.

Of course our children are their very own unique people with their own tastes and dislikes and interests- but they are also miniature versions of ourselves. They show us the people we want to be, and allow us to do childhood and life all over again, BETTER, only for them. There’s nothing more incredible than that.

I can’t help but wonder if Holden is so much like me now- what will he be like when he gets to be my age? I hope he doesn’t grow up too much, because when I finally grow up, I want to be like him.

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • This is so sweet. My son totally choked when it was time to read his story to the class. He’ll get up and play violin for a cafeteria full of people though, no prob. I can’t believe he came from my uterus; we are nothing alike. What an adventure… 😉

  • This is beautiful. I’ve been having a rough couple weeks and you always have a way of cheering me up. You have brought back my excitement over my kids growing up, I can’t wait to see all the amazing things they do, even if most of the time I still wish I could shrink them bc I swear I didn’t get enough tiny newborn time. Thank you

  • He has the sweetest face.

    What a great post!