Many people will argue that every child is different, and therefore every age for every child is different, and while I agree… I also have to admit that as different as they all may be, so many are freakishly frighteningly nightmarishly similar. The term “terrible twos” does not exist because ONE person thought their two year old was a total asshole.
In my experience, although admittedly limited, the terrible twos are only the beginning of a long line of buttholey behavior, sassiness, and weird. A lot of weird.
Next comes the “god awful threes” which are in turn followed by the “holy fuck fours” and then the “know it all fives”- but this does not really do the age of three justice. Three is a weird age. Three is the weirdest age.
Three is past the point of babbling incoherence. It is not quite to the point of full understanding and embracing things like… oh, I don’t know… boundaries. Shame. Acceptable decibel levels of sounds that come from vocal chords.
Three is the age of sitting with empty pillowcases over their heads. Your guess is as good as mine there
Three is the age where they begin laughing uncontrollably because while you was changing, their stuffed animal saw your “boobies.” It’s also the age where they leave stuffed animals in the bathroom, and you only notice their freaky plastic eyes on you in the middle of doing your business. It’s no wonder so many women have irregularity issues.
Three is the age where you can be having a fun dance party with your little one and suddenly in the middle of it, they starts yelling “BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE, HINEY HINEY HINEY!” and then pull down their pants and moon you.
Three is the age that will insist on opening a new box of cereal even though there’s one already open. The same exact kind.
Three is the age that thinks toenails taste better than macaroni and cheese. And macaroni and cheese is their favorite food. Well, most days. Other days they claim to hate it.
Three doesn’t speak perfect English. Sometimes three doesn’t speak English at all- but if you don’t understand it, you’re a total asshole.
Three is young enough to still think snuggles are awesome and kisses aren’t gross and doesn’t know nor care about cooties… so yeah, three is pretty awesome- but still really fucking weird.
So we have the nasty twos, the freaky threes, the asshole fours, the bossy fives… Honestly, it should be written down as the 8th wonder of the world how we parents make it to the teen years… only for them to open up a brand new can of whoopass on us.
Why did we have kids again??
Oh, right… love.
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