Wacky wonderful weird warped Three

Many people will argue that every child is different, and therefore every age for every child is different, and while I agree… I also have to admit that as different as they all may be, so many are freakishly frighteningly nightmarishly similar.  The term “terrible twos” does not exist because ONE person thought their two year old was a total asshole.

In my experience, although admittedly limited, the terrible twos are only the beginning of 3a long line of buttholey behavior, sassiness, and weird. A lot of weird.
Next comes the “god awful threes” which are in turn followed by the “holy fuck fours” and then the “know it all fives”- but this does not really do the age of three justice. Three is a weird age. Three is the weirdest age.

Three is past the point of babbling incoherence. It is not quite to the point of full understanding and embracing things like… oh, I don’t  know… boundaries. Shame. Acceptable decibel levels of sounds that come from vocal chords.

Three is the age of sitting with empty pillowcases over their heads. Your guess is as good as mine there

Three is the age where they begin laughing uncontrollably because while you was changing, their stuffed animal saw your “boobies.” It’s also the age where they leave stuffed animals in the bathroom, and you only notice their freaky plastic eyes on you in the middle of doing your business. It’s no wonder so many women have irregularity issues.

Three is the age where you can be having a fun dance party with your little one and suddenly in the middle of it, they starts yelling “BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE, HINEY HINEY HINEY!” and then pull down their pants and moon you.

Three is the age that will insist on opening a new box of cereal even though there’s one already open. The same exact kind.

Three is the age that thinks toenails taste better than macaroni and cheese. And macaroni and cheese is their favorite food. Well, most days. Other days they claim to hate it.

Three doesn’t speak perfect English. Sometimes three doesn’t speak English at all- but if you don’t understand it, you’re a total asshole.

Three is young enough to still think snuggles are awesome and kisses aren’t gross and doesn’t know nor care about cooties… so yeah, three is pretty awesome- but still really fucking weird.

So we have the nasty twos, the freaky threes, the asshole fours, the bossy fives… Honestly, it should be written down as the 8th wonder of the world how we parents make it to the teen years… only for them to open up a brand new can of whoopass on us.
Why did we have kids again??
Oh, right… love.

Disney Day 3 264

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Three is a great age. I once had to explain to my three year old niece that no the escalator wasn’t broken they were called stairs.

  • I can say that I was cracking up while reading this blog because it sums up my household pretty closely. I have a 6 year old boy and a 3 year old boy. It’s always an adventure, never a dull moment. Glad to know that I am not alone in this wacky, crazy, yet wonderful and rewarding journey.

  • I’m wiping my tears of laughter and solidarity reading this. My three-year-old daughter is such a little A-hole. I love her, I’d fight a bear for her, but man is she an asshole.


  • So funny, I totally understand…….I think my 3 year old thinks he is a dancing acrobat, one minute twirling and whirling then the next he is back flipping off the couch into the laundry basket. Then punching his teddy because it touched him.

  • I can relate to this blog. My son just turned three. I always wondered if once the terrible two’s ended what I would end up with. I have a weird three year old. He is constantly putting his feet in his mouth to bite his toenails. Nasty ass little turd.

  • 3 was the weirdest age ever….

    6 is the… ‘How many times have I told you?!?!?!?’ age

    I imagine this is a never ending cycle…

  • I absolutely laughed my butt off reliving my son’s ripe age of 3…geez I miss those days! I can only tell ya…..IT GETS WORSE!! He’s now 14….going on 30! He knows all… I have been transformed from Mommy to Mom to Ma to the ‘lady who drives me around’. I can’t wait to see what’s next. Was he a text book baby….oh hell no…he was a preemie…six weeks early, a teenie tiny lil thing…didn’t talk til almost 3, nothing technically wrong with him..except I’m his mother! That’s what wrong with him! I will let ya in on something….forget what everyone tells ya…enjoy the ride! It’s truly a unique roller coaster.
    Here’s a truly out-of-this-world experience where I wish I was only an inch tall. At the ripe age of 3, we stopped at McD’s for breakfast one day….drive thru thank goodness. We pull up to get the food, he looks at the man handing the bag to me and points…..and here’s the embarrassing, I want to die moment….says Mommy! Shaved Ape! I have no frigging clue where he came up with that one…nor did my husband…..OMG I couldn’t hit the gas fast enough! I look at the guy, he’s staring at me with murder in his eyes, I shook my head and told him “3 year olds…go figure! Thanks and have a nice day!” Never took the kid back to that McD’s ever again!
    Keep your head up…keep laughing….because before ya know it…they don’t need ya anymore…except for a ride.