Taking a vacation in an extremely public place allows for… well… a hell of a lot of weird to take place.
When you find your destination to be somewhere like Disney World, where there are lord knows how many people there at one time from all walks of life from all over the planet at all kinds of ages- you just never know what you’re going to see. Whether it is magical, or at the end of the day you feel like you need to bathe your eyes in bleach- the stories you could tell are endless.
Most of the time- people just forget about these and instead what replaces them in the dark corners of our minds are the happy times. And the alcoholic beverages. My mind works in mysterious ways- and for some reason, unknown to me, clings on to the weird and for some reason, instead of thinking about the magical moment that Cinderella asked my awestruck 3 year old to dance, I think about the amount waist length mega-mullets I saw during our 6-day stay.
If I don’t get these out of my head, I might explode- so take a trip down the alley with me and to the underbelly of Disney World
Look, I know Disney can’t hire children to play their characters- but Peter Pan- DUH- is never supposed to grow up… and he is a full grown man with a ginger wig and green tights. It’s freaky. So freaky that we got out of line.
Okay, that’s a lie- as soon as we got IN line, he had to “go on break”– probably to take a fucking nap.
The Poor Man’s Aladdin
Don’t get me wrong- I have a TON of respect for ALL of the character actors at Disney and how they smile and talk to snotty bratty little kids all day long in the blazing hot sun- but when we met Aladdin in Adventureland this year, while I expected him not to be the same guy as last, I was disappointed. Just a bit. The one last year was SO spot on and told stories about the magic carpet and Abu, it’s honestly hard to top that. Two days later at Epcot, while we were shopping in Morocco and Parker was being a terrible-turd- who just so happened to walk by us? Last year’s Aladdin with Jasmine. Parker threw a pillow at him. He must have been pissed that we got stuck with the Poor Man’s Aladdin too.
Sure, we could have waited in line again- but meeting Aladdin is like trying to meet One Direction. Shit ain’t happenin’ unless you wait in line for HOURS. No thank you.
‘Murica, Fuck yeah!
Epcot may not have the rides that make the other parks so appealing- but what they lack in excitement, they make up for in FOOD. Mmmmm delicious food. So many different countries to try, all authentic, and all delicious. And then you walk into America. What kind of fare would they have? Burgers. And funnel cakes.
I might be offended by the stereotypicalness of it all- but they had PUMPKIN SPICED FUNNEL CAKES!
And Thomas wouldn’t let me have one.
I ought to spork him in his taint for that shit. I was just trying to show pride in my country!
Aurora- the forgotten princess
Poor Aurora- aka Sleeping Beauty. NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE BROAD IS! We are pretty well-versed on our princesses around here, but one we’ve never gone near is Sleeping Beauty. Oops. It seems no one else has either because even in line to meet her (along with two other more popular princesses) people were asking who the hell the chick in the middle is. I think it’s really gotta suck to have a little boy walk up to you, and the entire time be pointing past you and saying “THAT’S RAPUNZEL!”
My bad for that one.
The lost sunglasses
I don’t know if any of you remember the story of my magical sunglasses and how I lost them at my niece’s wedding… or somewhere… and after crying and searching and coming up empty handed and even putting out a public please- I found a SINGLE pair at the same store I got them from originally 2 years later?
Well, I lost them again- only this time, on a rollercoaster. Trying to be responsible, so they wouldnt’ fling off of my head and maim someone’s eyeball, I put them in the pouch in front of my seat while I was riding with Holden- and then I got off the ride and left them there.
I was NOT leaving without those damned sunglasses- even though the ride attendant told me I may never see them again, I would not budge. This pissed Thomas off BIG TIME because he didn’t want to stand around and wait for them to check every single car, but I’d lost those fuckers once and it was NOT going to happen again.
Lo and behold, the last train car comes into station and THERE THEY ARE! And people wonder why I never give up on things.
Our last day at Disney? Thomas left his sunglasses in our hotel room, we checked out, and they were never seen again. HOW DOES IT FEEL, NAYSAYER?!
Crush the sarcastic turtle
This was our third trip to Disney World. Never in our previous trips was Holden EVER chosen out of the audience for anything. Third time’s a charm I guess- because in Epcot, they have an attraction where kids can actually talk TO Crush from Finding Nemo. It’s pretty damn cool- and whomever is behind the curtain, so to speak, playing Crush sounds just like him and is downright hilarious.
Holden was finally chosen this year…. and… well… the conversation went a little something like this:
Crush: Alright dudes, who has a question?
Holden *raising his hand*
Crush: How about that little dude down there with the black shell? Hey little dude- what’s your question?
Crush: ….. What was that, dude?
Holden: Was that my question or my last name?
Crush: I don’t know what your last name is little dude, but mine is Turtle. Like Crush. The. Turtle
*everyone is laughing hysterically. I am hiding my head in my hands*
He did teach Holden ONE thing though, and that was to say the word DUDE as much as humanly possible for the remainder of the day. Thanks a lot, a-hole.
Boys and Princesses- not always a good thing
My boys were not EXACTLY the only ones in line to meet the princesses. There were also boys that were accompanying their sisters or cousins or whatevers- but usually they refused to go near the ladies in waiting. One such group was a group of FOUR boys and a little girl- and much to my surprise, they actually wanted to approach Belle… only to immediately reach out and honk her boobs.
How exactly do you get trained for something like that?? Homegirl did a swift judo chop to the hands all while keeping a smile on her face. It’s a wonder she was so calm and composed once my two approached. The smiles on their faces always look evil.
Stories worth telling again:
We went to a character breakfast at a fancy shmancy resort (seriously fancy, had a wedding pavilion and lamps that looked like they cost more than my house). When Pooh walked up to our table, Holden decided it would be a fabulous idea to ask him VERY LOUDLY why he never wears underwear.
A few minutes later, our waitress told me that my juice would taste better with vodka.
As we were walking down Main Street in the Magic Kingdom, out of the corner of my eye I saw a 70 year old woman fully decked out in a Cinderella costume, complete with tiara. I want to be her when I grow up.
Yelling “Andy’s Coming!” at the Toy Story characters does NOT work. Well, unless your goal is to make yourself look like a giant b-hole.
We saw a super duper insanely old couples still holding hands and having a kick ass time. Things like that give me hope that I won’t smother the Husband before we even have the chance to get buttcrazy old.
One morning while walking through the dining area of our resort, I saw a little girl nomming the hell out of a gigantic cupcake for breakfast. I want to be her when I grow up.
Waiting in the airport for our flight home, “Harry Semen” was paged over the airport intercom.
I gotta tell ya, I can’t WAIT to do it again!
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times