Apparently in my rush to get everything packed and ready to go for Disney, I majorly jacked up my original plan for the embarrassing parenting stories. What was originally supposed to be two equally fantastic parts somehow all got plopped into one and I didn’t even realize it. Disney brain- it’s bad, y’all!
LUCKILY!!! So many stories had been submitted that I hadn’t had the room to even fit in all of the ones that made me giggle- either because of length limits or worrying that I would overload people with so many stories that eventually, we would all become numb to the embarrassment of others. That would never be a good thing. As I was saying- so many had been submitted that I ended up still having an entire file full of unused stories I had planned to use for a rainy day.
It ain’t rainin’- but I figure I need to make up for such a horrible error with a REAL “Most EMBARRASSING parenting stories. Part 2” and so here it is! Maybe you’ll forgive me after this!
Tanya Ann Alexander
When my daughter was 3 and in preschool I went to pick her up and bring her home. Well I walk in the door and all three classes were in the classroom, since it was pajama day and they watched movies all day long I scan the room and see her in the back eating popcorn and drinking her juice. I walk over to her and tell her lets go mama. She looks at me and says I’m not done mommy. So I go get her coat and bag and tell her let’s get a move on I still have to go to the post office and the grocery store before we go home. She STILL did not move so I called her by her full name and said again LETS GO NOW She stands up and in front of the director of the preschool and all eight teachers says I have to go now mommy has her period and means business. I so wanted to die.
When my oldest was about 9 months, and I was big and pregnant with my second, I had one of the most horrific things happen. My husband, my son, Parker, and I had gone out for dinner at Applebee’s. Our Applebee’s is located in our mall. After dinner, we were walking through the mall and decided to stop in Hibbett’s sports store to look at some shoes for Parker. We weren’t wanting to buy anything, just figure out his size in New Balance. As he’s trying them on, and I’m holding him, I hear his belly grumble. As God as my witness, the child shit through his diaper, down his jeans, on my clothes, in the floor, and worst of all, on the shoes that I had previously no intention of buying. The most horrific green poop I had EVER seen was all over the place. My husband took him and was holding him so that Parker’s legs were up and his arms were under Parker’s knees with his dirty butt facing everybody in front of him.
A sales associate then brings me some rags to clean up… A seven month pregnant me was on all fours trying to scrub their floor. After this, I go buy the flipping shoes. Then… my cell rings. It’s the hubs saying he can’t find the keys!!!
I had to walk back to Applebee’s, with shit still on me, and hunt down the keys. Meanwhile, my husband and Parker are standing outside the car, still with shit everywhere, ass still facing outward. Needless to say, this ‘shitastrophy’ taught us to never try on shoes after Parker had eaten, EVER!!
Hot hot summer day we decide to drive the family to the local beach to swim we run across the hot ass sand to find sweet relief in the nice cool water. Not even hip deep in the overcrowded water my 4 yr. old announces to dad he needs to go potty, and oh so NOT funny (nor intelligent) dad replies everyone pees in the lake at some point and to “just do it!”
As I turn around to see where they went in the packed to the max beach I see my little son standing still a few feet behind me holding dads hand and ill be damned, up pops a MONSTER 5 inch turd!! Everyone within a 10 foot radius stops and stares slack jawed at my sons floating colon vomit!! I was so mortified I just snatched the other children and ran towards the car, following fast behind is dad and the turd wagon and all dad has to say is “why didn’t you say you had to poop!?!?”
Needless to say, we haven’t been back.
Sandi aka Precious Princess– http://www.princessbananaland.com/
I was that first time mother who had everything planned. Everything scheduled. I did everything right and I was going to be the most bestest mom in the whole wide world. Just because I had a baby girl, my life was not going to be turned upside down. Not this girl. No way. Life? Had other plans.
My Mini was about 7 months old when I took her on my weekly trip to the grocery. I used to love Mini and Me shopping. Then. Before she could talk. And whine. And want things. Anyway, with the groceries all bought, I headed to the car. Followed my OCD rules for strappin’ in a munchkin. I dropped my purse in the front seat and locked the car. Well, I always did that because the car should be locked when you’re outside the car, no? Baby snatchers are everywhere. So then I was all ready to safely load the groceries into the car. Only problem? The keys? When you lock a baby in the car, YOU are supposed to have the keys. Really. It’s true. Me? I left the keys in. my. purse…
I lost my shit. I mean fer real. There was my 7month old Mini locked inside the car. And me on the outside. This could NOT be happening. Not to me. The perfect mother. I’ll just call my husband. Wait, the cell? In my purse. In the car. By that time I was completely frantic and I was positive my Mini was going to burst into flames, never to be seen again and I would be “that” mother. And the tears started…
After a reasonable amount of time (about 1.5 minutes), I took a deep breathe and ran (not walked) to the first stranger I saw with a phone. Thankfully, he was a school teacher AND a parent. He understood. He didn’t judge. (I was handling all the judging anyway). He handed me his phone and I prayed that my husband would answer the phone. He did answer. Relief. I thanked the stranger a million times over. I’m pretty sure he thought I was nutjob by then cause I was babbling on like a nitwit but he didn’t say it, so I was cool.
So my husband shows about 5 minutes later with the extra keys and announces – “hey, couldn’t you get to her through the open window?”
Ummmmm…holy shit. The damn window on the other side was down the whole time. I bet that stranger really though I was wackadoo. Yep, that’s my life and one of many embarrassing mommy moments. And, I had witnesses. Of course I did.
My daughter was about years old, and could never pronounce the letter k it always came out a t sound. One day me and my husband had her in the shopping cart at Wal-Mart, and a woman comes down the aisle with enormously huge breasts with a large cat on the front of her t shirt, My daughter then yells loudly with glee “Look Mommy Big Titties! Big Titties!” clapping and everything. (she was trying to say kitties) My husband’s face turned red and he left without a word, leaving me laughing and trying to explain away the statement.
Emma Nichole Rasi
I was in line at Dollar General with my 18 month old daughter ( She is now 5) and we were behind this tiny little old woman. You know how old people are, they can become VERY gassy. This little old woman farted. My daughter says quietly “momma, she pooped” and I just told my daughter to be quiet and tried to go on with my wait. Well, then my daughter gets a little louder, she says “mommmmm, she pooped!” I calmly said “Ally, shhh. That’s not nice” So my daughter throws herself in the floor as if she were on fire, and starts screaming at the top of her lungs “OH GOD MOMMY! SHE POOPED! SHE POOPED! IT’S STINK! IT STINK MOMMY!” The little old woman turned sooo red! She turned around looked down at my daughter and said “Ma’am, I’m sorry! I really didn’t think anyone would hear or smell it! I am SO sorry!” I felt soooo bad for her! Everyone in the store was cracking up by this point. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide!!!
OK so picture it! I’m at my mom’s after having my son this is the first time the little’s are meeting him and I went to feed him and my niece at the time was 4 or 5 and she was right up in my business and was asking 20 questions about why he was sucking on my boob and right as the letdown happened he let go and my niece got boob milk squirted all over her face! We couldn’t stop laughing!
I had put my son ,who was 5 at the time,and the baby to bed. We decided to have Mommy and Daddy time. We were about 30 minutes in and the bedroom door flings open. Colton is screaming at the top of his lungs,“stop hurting Mommy!” Hubby was still on top of me at this time. I flung him completely off of the bed. He busted his head on the window and hurt his shoulder. I looked at Colton and said,“Mommy and Daddy were playing super heroes” “Daddy was the bad guy.”
Colton without missing a beat says,” Daddy you got your ass kicked by a girl, what are you doing playing superheroes without me?” I was mortified. We ended up in the ER for the hubby to get five stitches in his head. It is so funny now though.
Jessica Stewart Ingram
My four boys learn the most wonderful things on the bus. One day at the grocery store, my 8 year old asked me what the word “herps” (as in herpes) means. Being the great parent I am, I tell him “I have no idea.” So he decides to yell “my mom has the herps!” throughout the store. Shortest grocery store trip ever!
When my son was about 6 months old I had a terrible incident occur. It was so horrendously embarrassing that I didn’t even share the story until close to 5 years later with my best friend who happened to live in the apartment next door to me when it had occurred.
My mother in law decided she would keep my son overnight on a Friday night but needed me to pick him up around noon the following day because she had to work. I didn’t get alone time often and overdid it on the sleep so I woke up later than I anticipated and without any intention of going anywhere else left the house to pick him up wearing my pj’s which happened to be a T-shirt and a pair of thin pajama shorts and what can I say I didn’t even have on underwear. I grabbed my purse and ran for the door so she wouldn’t be late for work. I got to her house and quickly loaded him into his car seat, watched her pull off in her car and started my journey back home.
The trip to her house was about twenty minutes. Within the first five minutes of my return journey home I had that familiar morning flip and gurgle occur in my stomach but with way more intensity than usual and I knew I had to find a bathroom right then. I pulled into a nearby gas station and it was at that moment things got real and I began to sweat profusely and freeze at the same time. I knew that if I stood up and took the time to get my son back out of his car seat I would surely crap my pants on the spot. So, I decided against that and pulled back out and proceeded on my trip. Two miles later directly behind a school bus going thirty five miles an hour “It” happened.
There was no stopping what Mother Nature had intended to happen when I first woke up. It was like that scene from Bridesmaids except I was driving in my pajamas and not running across several lanes of traffic in a wedding dress. This was not the worst of the situation. I lived next door from my best friend and we frequently laughed and joked about poop and farts and we were brutal about it. I had to make it through my door and not let her see me or I would never be able to live it down. I pulled in the parking lot reached into the back seat and unbuckled my son. I opened the door stood up, turned to the back seat picked him up and took the first step. I didn’t have underwear on recall that part?? I took a few more steps and it was slow motion sickness…a turd that did not get fully squished fell out of my pajama shorts and on to MY SIDEWALK and it was a shared sidewalk!!!
A few hours, a shower, and load of laundry later, my best friend came over and wanted me to come outside to see the “massive sh*t some a**hole let his dog take on our side walk”…..I had forgotten in the rush to clean myself up and avoid her seeing me that there was still carnage on the sidewalk. I always blame my son for this incident because I always say if he had not been with me I would have made it into the gas station.
Thank you again to everyone who submitted your story! I had a blast reading them all! I hope that you did too.
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@AmericHousewife it's cute you think I'll survive to them turning that age!
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Spring into Spring-a-Palooza at Great Wolf lodge! goo.gl/fb/Ey9QEb
Vodka might rhyme with Friday, but what rhymes with Tuesday is "SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME HAVE MY COFFEE!"
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7yo: what's a colon? 9yo: it's the top of a smiley face Husband: ...and the inside of your butthole Me: *deep sigh*