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Parkerisms #2- Pecker this and butthole that- aka my kids say the darnedest shizz

It’s no secret that Parker, aka “The Little”s journey from birth until now hasn’t exactly been the easiest. From illness, to weight loss, oral aversions and muscle tone loss, motor delays, speech delays- you name it. We even had a doctor point directly at Parker’s head at a consult and say “THE PROBLEM IS IN THERE!”
I don’t want to say I ever felt “hopeless”- I never felt that way; but I can’t lie to you and say that I wasn’t frustrated and sad and beaten down over the setbacks and days where it seemed like he wouldn’t eat a single bite or say a single word when other kids his age were speaking in full sentences and happily eating what we referred to as “human food.”
As much as we, his doctors and his therapists worked with him- a lot of the burden fell on his shoulders to truly put the effort into “catching up.”

I’ve always been proud if the little dude; for fighting, for never giving up, for being happy, even through all of the frustrations and all of the doctors telling us he would never be what was considered “normal”- we never let him believe anything was wrong, and he kept on pushing.

It didn’t seem that long ago that he would screech during speech therapy instead of saying even the simplest of words- and now he won’t shut the hell up for a single second. As obnoxious as I find this- I am just so proud, and so in awe of him, that I have to share these moments as often as I can. Following in his brothers footsteps of many a “Holdenisms” blog full of his weird sayings- we are now on the second FULL blog of “Parkerisms”
I hope you enjoy his amazing weird as much as I do.

Disney2013 Day 6 103

The child always chooses to be the loudest and the most embarrassing while we are picking Holden up from school, of course surrounded by other parents.

Today, for instance, he came up behind me while I was leaning over a table signing Holden out, shoved his face into my asscrack, and yelled “IS ANYONE IN THERE???”
No. There is no one in my ass. Gah.

A few days ago, he was across the lunch room when he runs up to me and says “I love you Mommy!” right before he starts shouting “HOOCHIE MAMA HOOCHIE MAMA HOOCHIE MAMA!”– I stop him just long enough to find out he is actually saying “CUTIE mama,” but the damage had already been done. Now, to all the other parents, I ain’t nothin’ but a hoochie mama.

One day, he was being all cute chatting with the other parents and grandparents, telling them about how he hurt his knee and could hear an airplane and there were two bugs on the ground and other cute 3 year old nonsense, and then we walked into the cafeteria and he asked me what it smelled like. I tell him “ketchup” and then ask “what does it smell like to you?”– mistake. In his sweetest cutest most adorable little voice, yelled “BUTT FRIES!” at the top of his lungs.
The other adults were not nearly as amused as I was. Apparently they don’t like butt fries. They don’t know what they’re missing!

“Oh my doodoo! It’s cold outside!”

 

“My tummy is full of doodoo. I think it’s gonna die”

 

My toddler translator is on the fritz lately. One morning I swore I heard Parker say he saw a “pretty little girl” in the backyard (which overlooks a giant empty field) and nearly shat my pants thinking that freaky chick from The Ring was slithering out of a hidden well to come and twist my face up only to realize the kid actually said “pretty little SQUIRREL” and thank goodness, my pants were saved.
As much as I appreciate a good poo, I always prefer them to end up in the toilet and not rolling down pant legs.

During a dinner with his grandaddy, he turns to him and says: “How do you eat with a mustache on?”

 

After I quickly picked him up out of his chair once he finished lunch:
“That scared my pecker and made me burp!”
His honesty is admirable- and also slightly horrifying.

He and I were out looking at the garden this morning while still in our pajamas so while I’m crouched down trying to get a better look at the tomato plant, I reach over to his leg and tickle his thigh and say “look at that hammy!”
He laughs, points to my forehead and says “Look at that buttcheek!”
Mega-burned by a 3 year old. Between you and me, this is quickly becoming the story of my life- but publicly I am going to blame it on the fact that I have not had coffee yet.

Add this to the list of things I never thought I’d hear, and never want to hear again, while helping my kid take a crap in the bathroom. Yes, there is a list.
Me: Don’t forget to push your doodle down or you’ll get pee everywhere.
Parker: Doodle?
Me: Duh. Your penis.
Parker: Penis? …Daddy has a HUGE penis!
Me: *Blinks. Silently leaves bathroom*

My morning conversations used to consist of the news or plans for the day- now, thanks to the addition of ankle-biters, they usually go a little something like this:
Parker: Mommy, do you know how to poop?
Me: yes…
Parker: Sometimes poop gets stuck in my butt
Me: It does that sometimes…
Parker: Sometimes I fart out poop in the upstairs bathroom!

“That scared my pecker to death!”

 

“Dance dance, there’s too much booty in my pants!”
This one is Thomas’ fault. Frickin’ 2-Live Crew. First it was hoochie mama and now it’s booty in his pants. At least the kid had the mind to use proper grammar.

Parker: Mommy, I like to burp
Me: …. okay
Parker: I like to burp and fart!
Me: I know you do
Parker: What does that mean?
Me: I don’t know!
Parker: It means… FARTY PARTY!!!!

I can’t wait to hear what he says when he isn’t talking about bodily functions and peckers… although I think I might be waiting until his 40s for that.

Posted on May 24, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
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  • Haha I love this! My son has had a rough life from the start as well and he wouldn’t say a WORD before speech therapy after 4 months he wouldn’t shut up! I loved it and hated it at the same time and he comes up with the weirdest things as well sometimes I won’t even ask what he said because I’m afraid to know or he’ll go into this long explanation of why it’s called that, but I wouldn’t change it for the world either Kid s do say the damnedest things and I don’t care who likes what he says or not as long if I find it funny it’s funny!!

  • My son orion is two and a half and only says a few words. He started only a few months ago. Its very hard specially when we are at a park or play area and i see younger kids talking full sentences. My son is actually very smart. Just delayed on speech. He is going through therapy right now. I can’t wait till he starts saying funny random things that children say. Everyone tells me when he starts talking you will just want him to shut up cause he won’t stop. But being with my son 24/7 when he only says guh, gah, out eeeeeehhhhh, trust me i would be more than happy to hear different sounds and words over and over. So i may not fully understand what you have been through but i know what its like to see your child struggling. I can see, even in your blogs that you are a wonderful mother. And they are so lucky to have you in their lives.