What I am sharing with you here in this blog is not something I could post to my page, or share with my friends. I saved it for the blog because I know you brave people can handle it. You can probably handle just about anything after reading about a spelunking expedition in my lady bits or the time I crapped myself in public– so here we are.
First off, I must say that I love my children’s naivety and gullibility. It’s sweet and it’s innocent and growing up blows because you basically lose all of that, as does everyone growing up around you. Dare I even say I’m jealous of it. How lovely would it be to be blissfully unaware? To just be happy and free and not care about political correctness or unintended innuendo or sexual harassment lawsuits- yes yes, I think that would be wondrous.
Alas, I find myself at times to be a bored stay at home mom. Now, if you have kids, you know that the definition of “bored” changes greatly once you procreate- and instead of meaning sitting around with your thumb up your butt whining about how there is nothing to do when there is an entire WORLD full of things to do- bored becomes trapped in the house because of nap times with no one to have adult conversations with need SOME form of entertainment that doesn’t have anything to do with television because I’m exhausted and my eyes hurt and damnit, I just want to laugh! That, my friends, is the bored I know today, and many days just like this one.
Does it sound like I’m justifying? Maybe I am. I’m a single lady lookin’ for laughs in all the wrong places! Or … something…
Basically what I’m saying here is that I have had to find alternative ways to entertain myself. Alternative CHILD APPROPRIATE ways, mind you. We parents can get creative, right? We do that shit every day for our kids, so why not to keep ourselves busy?
Over the years, I have made quite the enjoyable hobby out of laughing at Holden’s artwork. His mind works in mysterious ways. Of course HE has no idea that half of the things he used to draw resembled certain body parts, and of COURSE I would never tell him why I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe at a picture he claimed was his little brother kicking a soccer ball. I can’t help it. The pervy brain sees what the pervy brain sees, and I am sure before too long, Holden himself will be laughing at stupid shit like I do and turning absolutely everything humanly possible into sexual innuendo and it will drive me insane to the point where I become that crabby old mom who washes his dirty mouth out with soap…. so what I’m saying here is that I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.
Am I still justifying? I think I kind of have to- because after laughing so hard I pulled something at this one, and the look I got from Thomas when I showed it to HIM thinking he would laugh at the same blatant yet innocent perversion because he too is a corrupted adult with a pervy brain and he looked at me all cock-eyed like I had really actually FINALLY lost my mind- I think I’ve secured myself a seat on an express train to hell. The question is- are you coming with me? I’ve got an air conditioned apartment with ice water waiting!
Sweet boy. He was only doing his homework! He was instructed to write a sentence about one of his classmates and then draw a picture to go with it- good boy did exactly that! And he even spelled everything correctly!
Oh…. Oh dear. Here it comes…
I cannot control myself.
It actually took me a full 3 minutes to UNSEE the… um… playing with. Poor innocent Holden could not understand why I was laughing so hard at a drawing he did not intend to be funny (and there are plenty that he does.)
His classroom has “centers” and one of them happens to be a little carpeted area with a bunch of wooden blocks. This picture is obviously them stacking blocks together- oh the things my bored old mind does for entertainment. Yes, I know what this picture ACTUALLY is, but I still see… well, you know. I know you do. For shame!!! Don’t lie. And don’t worry, I’ve got a seat saved just for you.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times