There is truly no better sound on earth than that of children’s laughter; especially the chunky belly kind.
We parents go to great lengths to induce this kind of laughter- making idiot faces, doing idiot dance moves, saying idiot things, and tickling stinky feets, thighs, and tummies until we get a flying foot to the nipple or throat- all to hear the wonderful sound of laughter.
We would do damn near anything- even if we have to suck up that bruised boob, or shell out some cash for a toy they’ve been begging for and swearing they would absolutely DIE without just to make them happy.
IT’S A TRAP!
I’m going to let you in on a little secret- one that has been right under our noses for years and perhaps we just didn’t quite pick up on the stench of conspiracy…
The toy companies? They’re trying to kill us. I’m not sure who is the mastermind behind this dastardly plan to take us all down via seemingly harmless toy, but I don’t think there is any way to deny the frightening truth of what is actually going down in our homes (don’t be dirty!) when all we’re trying to do is make our youngin’s happy. And our kids are in on it. Don’t let them fool you with those little cherub cheeks!
Heed my warning! Beware of these death devices disguised as innocent playthings. BEWARE!!!
| 1. Legos
Freaking DUH. Of course this made the top of my list! There are few pains one could experience that even come close to that of childbirth- stepping on a fucking Lego is one of them. Once the tender meaty arch of your foot is taken down- the person is taken down with it. You are vulnerable.
Check in doorways and the tops and bottoms of stairwells for strategic and dangerous placements.
(see also: barbie shoes)
| 2. Puzzle Pieces – aka “Slip and Slides of Doom”
The fact that these are left out on the floor after eleventy fucking BILLION times of informing the children to just put them back in the damn box isn’t simple childhood forgetfulness, oh no; that’s what they WANT you to think. Floor surface does not matter- you will go sliding to your untimely demise.
And God forbid you get one stuck to the bottom of your foot and go into a fit trying to shake it loose- Face? Meet floor.
| 3. Plastic Food
The “choking hazard” warnings on the labels? Not just for the kids. This is likely a desperate plea from a mole inside the factory, trying to save our lives.
And here you thought your little sweetie was going to share some of the snack you so graciously made for their picky ass, and then you find yourself being gagged by a plastic banana.
| 4. Musical Instruments
Okay, are you just TRYING to subject yourself to cruel and unusual punishment? Of course once coordination kicks in, these things become less obnoxious and actually, oh I don’t know- MUSICAL? But 5 and under? I don’t even feel sorry for you, crazy ass.
Two exceptions that no matter the age will NEVER EVER BE OKAY EVER: Kazoos and Recorders. The only option is to kill them with fire.
| 5. Wheels
I leave this open to ANY toy with wheels. The whole slipping on a banana peel thing is probably a bunch of horse shit- I mean, who leaves a banana peel in the middle of the road, anyway? But stepping on a fucking matchbox car causes the same kind of legs flinging out in front of you, falling flat on your back result.
Can you do the splits? Do you want to?
I can remember being about 7 months pregnant with Parker when I made the mistake of not being able to see around my gigantor belly and accidentally stuck my foot into the top of a ridiculous toy helicopter with wheels. I’d managed to have the smarts (yes, even while full of baby!) to remove the batteries because that mother-badword didn’t have a volume switch, but did not think to remove the WHEELS. Who would think to do such a thing??
I soon found myself with my poor already swollen vag on the floor and my legs sprawled out- one in front, and one behind me. Never in my life have I EVER been able to do the splits (not even after years of gymnastics and cheerleading. yes. Cheerleading)- I guess there’s a first time for everything.
That shit hurts.
REMOVE THE WHEELS!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
| 6. Pillows
I know, right? What could be so bad about a pillow?
Look, I don’t know why in the fuck we thought pillow fights were fun as kids, but take one of those suckers to the face now and you will realize that kids are total maniacs because it feels like a sack full of butter.
| 7. Tools
Have you ever had a child try to “fix” you with a plastic wrench? “Fixing” must have a different definition on the planet Butthole.
Consider yourself warned.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times