7 toys for children that are actually parental death devices

There is truly no better sound on earth than that of children’s laughter; especially the chunky belly kind.
We parents go to great lengths to induce this kind of laughter- making idiot faces, doing idiot dance moves, saying idiot things, and tickling stinky feets, thighs, and tummies until we get a flying foot to the nipple or throat- all to hear the wonderful sound of laughter.

We would do damn near anything- even if we have to suck up that bruised boob, or shell out some cash for a toy they’ve been begging for and swearing they would absolutely DIE without just to make them happy.


I’m going to let you in on a little secret- one that has been right under our noses for years and perhaps we just didn’t quite pick up on the stench of conspiracy…
The toy companies? They’re trying to kill us. I’m not sure who is the mastermind behind this dastardly plan to take us all down via seemingly harmless toy, but I don’t think there is any way to deny the frightening truth of what is actually going down in our homes (don’t be dirty!) when all we’re trying to do is make our youngin’s happy. And our kids are in on it. Don’t let them fool you with those little cherub cheeks!

Heed my warning! Beware of these death devices disguised as innocent playthings. BEWARE!!!


 1. Legos
Freaking DUH. Of course this made the top of my list! There are few pains one could experience that even come close to that of childbirth- stepping on a fucking Lego is one of them. Once the tender meaty arch of your foot is taken down- the person is taken down with it. You are vulnerable.
Check in doorways and the tops and bottoms of stairwells for strategic and dangerous placements.
(see also: barbie shoes)
 2. Puzzle Pieces – aka “Slip and Slides of Doom”
The fact that these are left out on the floor after eleventy fucking BILLION times of informing the children to just put them back in the damn box isn’t simple childhood forgetfulness, oh no; that’s what they WANT you to think. Floor surface does not matter- you will go sliding to your untimely demise.
And God forbid you get one stuck to the bottom of your foot and go into a fit trying to shake it loose- Face? Meet floor.
 3. Plastic Food
The “choking hazard” warnings on the labels? Not just for the kids. This is likely a desperate plea from a mole inside the factory, trying to save our lives.
And here you thought your little sweetie was going to share some of the snack you so graciously made for their picky ass, and then you find yourself being gagged by a plastic banana.
 4. Musical Instruments
Okay, are you just TRYING to subject yourself to cruel and unusual punishment? Of course once coordination kicks in, these things become less obnoxious and actually, oh I don’t know- MUSICAL? But 5 and under? I don’t even feel sorry for you, crazy ass.
Two exceptions that no matter the age will NEVER EVER BE OKAY EVER: Kazoos and Recorders. The only option is to kill them with fire.
 5. Wheels
I leave this open to ANY toy with wheels. The whole slipping on a banana peel thing is probably a bunch of horse shit- I mean, who leaves a banana peel in the middle of the road, anyway? But stepping on a fucking matchbox car causes the same kind of legs flinging out in front of you, falling flat on your back result.
Can you do the splits? Do you want to?
I can remember being about 7 months pregnant with Parker when I made the mistake of not being able to see around my gigantor belly and accidentally stuck my foot into the top of a ridiculous toy helicopter with wheels. I’d managed to have the smarts (yes, even while full of baby!) to remove the batteries because that mother-badword didn’t have a volume switch, but did not think to remove the WHEELS. Who would think to do such a thing??
I soon found myself with my poor already swollen vag on the floor and my legs sprawled out- one in front, and one behind me. Never in my life have I EVER been able to do the splits (not even after years of gymnastics and cheerleading. yes. Cheerleading)- I guess there’s a first time for everything.
That shit hurts.
 6. Pillows
 I know, right? What could be so bad about a pillow?
Look, I don’t know why in the fuck we thought pillow fights were fun as kids, but take one of those suckers to the face now and you will realize that kids are total maniacs because it feels like a sack full of butter.
 Girls having pillow fight
 7. Tools
Have you ever had a child try to “fix” you with a plastic wrench? “Fixing” must have a different definition on the planet Butthole.


Consider yourself warned.

Posted on May 31, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Legos are the worst…I mean, yeah it’s a cool toy, that allows him to have great Hand to Eye coordination.. and use his imagination (that doesn’t need any help, trust me.)…
    But GOSHDARN do they hurt when you step on them!

  • I agree lego are the worst by far and to top it off they never seem to grow out of it! On the plus hoover enough up and they soon take the hint not to leave even the smallest of pieces out :). Kids play tools are actually lethal. I remember when my son was 4 waking up to find he’d managed to unscrew the light switch cover with a toy screwdriver. Needless to say all toy tools are now banned! The latest worse than lego in our house is the bottle cap collection. The metal ones from glass bottles. You think lego hurts try standing on one of these! My kids have heard a whole new concoction of cuss words since they started that collection!