For years, right here on this blog, I have been sharing with you some of the most EMBARRASSING stories from my life. From crapping my pants in public, to having to go spelunking for a lost condom, to the most painfully awkward things my crotchfruit have said in public (that’s what kids are for!)- and I thought it high time for someone else to join in the….. fun.
A few weeks ago- I put out a request for all of you readers of my blog to send in YOUR most embarrassing parenting stories, and you responded by the fucking buttload! How much is a buttload? Depends on who you ask- let us just assume it is a LOT. A whole lot.
Thank you to EVERYONE who submitted your story- I have been laughing my ass off (sometimes to the point of tears)- and now, it’s time to share the funny with you! Enjoy!
If you don’t see your story here- don’t fret. I have a BUNCH saved that I just couldn’t make fit into two blogs that I WILL be posting on a rainy day!
Well, I don’t know about my MOST embarrassing, as seriously it is I who do the most offending, but just the other day I went “big food shopping;” ya know the kind where your just basically preparing should an armageddon hit in the next week? I was hitting up EVERY aisle in the market, and noticed that Hanes had some run of the mill pantaloons on sale for half price, so I threw a package in the cart and carried on shopping. My three year old decides to check on my progress and stands up in that little car thingy attached to the front of the hell cart, turns around and starts perusing my choices thus far; strawberries check; yogurt, check; olives (the boy is strange) check.
At the top of his lungs he starts yelling “PANTIES??? Mom.. why you buyin’ panties at the grocery store?!?! Did you have an accident? Did you pee-pee when you sneezed AGAIN?” Now he starts sing-songing it, again at the top of his lungs, “EWWW Mommy’s got dirty panties, she needs new panties….. Momma’s gotta change her panties!”
I was met with some odd looks, some judgey gasps, and THANKFULLY, just a couple of those moms “in the know” quiet smiles of “oh, honey, I’ve been there.” at least that’s how I’m choosing to interpret them.
Nicole Blankenship Roberts
Okay, so I wasn’t present when this happened, but it is funny and I was kinda mortified. My youngest son, who was about 2-3 at the time, was in the car with my mom and my aunt. My mom was trying to back her car out of a parking spot at a shopping center when someone stepped right behind her with no regard for the fact she was pulling out. My mom started to say something she shouldn’t, stopped herself, and said “jerk” instead. From the back seat my son,Connor, pipes up; “Grandma, why didn’t you just call him a Son of a Bitch?”…..Dead silence for a couple of seconds, and my mom says “well, Connor, I don’t know, but he certainly was,” and then uncontrollable laughing/giggling ensued in the front seat. Connor is now 10 and knows better.
I was driving along, rather fast I might add, to try and get the eldest to day care and me to work. Of course I was running late it is what single moms do. Low and behold the flashing lights of the city’s finest has me stopped.
I pull my woman thing where I cry and its been an awful morning, blah blah…Oh the lovely officer lets me go, BUT not before speaking to my son. Why did he have to talk to him? Hell if I know because, my then 3 year old, leans ever so sweetly up in his car seat and shouts…“FUCK THE POPO!!!”
I tried to lie and tell the officer this wasn’t my kid I was only dropping him off for my sister, but I still got the $135 ticket, gotta love the spawns right?
About 2 months ago I took my son to get his first haircut (he will be 3 next month.) The pretty lady cutting his hair was probably no older than me, and might have been younger. She was cutting his hair and when she got done she pulled the blow dryer out. My son, by this time, was squirming everywhere. I told him in a stern voice, “Aiden, sit still and let this nice girl blow you!” She glanced at me and I fought back the urge to completely laugh at myself. I sent my fiance a text message and said, “Did I just give that girl permission to blow my son? Mother of the year!”
That night we went to see some family for dinner that we hadn’t seen in a few years. My Aunt comes up and talks about the new haircut that Aiden is sporting. All night he kept telling my family that the girl blew him. Talk about kids not knowing the pervy things they are saying!
took my daughter to a local festival with rides, fair food etc. We had been there awhile and we decided to walk across the street to a church parking lot to watch fireworks. To cross a busy road I picked my daughter up and carried her. She fell asleep on my shoulder. Once the fireworks began, she woke up extremely disoriented. She began crying that she wanted her mommy, where is mommy, and then escalated to telling me that I was not her mommy all the while in the midst of several hundred strangers who were enjoying the festival and fireworks. I had a police officer approach me soon thereafter to confirm my child really truly was mine. Good thing we look alike.
Anna Draper Vermillion
About 12 years ago my youngest daughter was 5 years old and my other 3 kids were pre-teens. On weekends our front yard was THE place to be for their friends, and I would sit outside in the front yard socializing with the other moms from the neighborhood, kinda keeping an eye on the kids. So there I was sitting with my back towards the house laughing and talking, enjoying myself, when everyone got really quiet, then I heard the gasps… My 5 year old was standing on the front porch like Rafiki holding up baby Simba high above her head on Pride Rock my, umm, yeah THAT thingy (BZZZZZZ). She proudly announced,“I FOUND IT!!!!”
One of my precious pre-teens must have found it while snooping through my drawers and decided it would be HILARIOUS for a show and tell with the whole neighborhood. To her credit, my 5 year old did not snitch, but I’m pretty sure which kid put her up to it by the way he was rolling around on the ground, laughing hysterically.
Mary McKenzie Wallace
When my oldest was about 3 and potty training we visited my dad. We went out to the pond so he could go fishing with his grandpa. It goes without saying that my dad lives in the country. My brother and grandparents were there too that day. Gavin had to pee so I took him behind a tree and told him he could pee outside. Boys do that, right? A little while later I’m dealing with my middle son who was an infant at the time. I look up and find my 3 year old squatting to drop a deuce. He’s all, “mommy said I can go outside!” Thanks a lot kid. Way to show off my mom skills to my grandma.
My daughter was just over a year old and we had just PCSd to Camp Lejeune from Twenty-Nine Palms since my husband was in the USMC. We decided to go out for a “nice” dinner and ended up at Red Lobster. Me being the awesome Mom that I am had run out of diapers but figured we would stop at the store after dinner, right? WRONG! Just as our appetizer was served my daughter slaps a handful of something green and chunky on to the table. I immediately attempt to figure out what green, chunky appetizer we had ordered… then I smelled it. She had one of those explosive, volcano-esque craps that went up and out her diaper. Since she was only wearing a onesie it came out the leg holes and was ALL OVER the high chair. I grabbed her and ran to the bathroom only to remember I didn’t have a diaper! While my husband went to the nearest store to get diapers and the poor waitress cleaned the high chair and table (we left a $20 tip if not more !!!), I gave Faith a “bath” in the sink in the restaurant bathroom. Other customers were completely grossed out of course when they walked into the restroom and saw a naked baby with crap covered clothes and nasty green poop chunks in the sink (which had one of those grill-style drains that, of course, caught all of the chunks and kept clogging!). I was gagging the whole time… and we were mortified!!! Needless to say we never went back there again!!!
Jenny Hodges Blog: www.Metamorfit.org
Oh man, I will never forget this incident as long as I live. I have Irish Triplets, 3 babies born in 3 consecutive years. My little friends were born in 2004, 2005, and 2006. My youngest set are 359 days apart. Sleep was a novel idea in the early days of parenting. I was a breastfeeding mama, and there was one day where I had ventured out with my kids for some grocery shopping. I always tried to time it just right so that I wouldn’t have to try to nurse with a 1 and 2 year old running amok in the store. But this time, my timing was just a little bit off.
We were in the check-out line when my infant started to root and cry. He was hungry. His hunger cries began to get louder, my 1 and 2 yo sensing the urgency began to panic a little bit, which made me panic a little bit. We quickly paid for our groceries, hurried out to the car and drove home. I took the youngest two out of their car seats, grabbed my infant, left the groceries in the car and went inside the house, took off my shirt and began to nurse my baby. Time went by, he was finished and sleeping, the other two were napping, and I remembered that I had my groceries in the car, so out I went to get them. And now…this is where it gets embarrassing. I walk over to the passenger side of my car and notice my 16yo neighbor starting at me pretty wide eyed and he waves “Hi Mrs. Hodges” and I wave back “Hi Danny” and then I reach down and I feel something cold against my boob. Weird. I look down and I DO NOT HAVE ON MY SHIRT! In all the rush, the panic, the mad dash to nurse and endless nights of no sleep, I had completely blanked on putting my shirt back on after I had finished nursing. OH.MY.GOD. I quickly grabbed some groceries and covered up my chest and ran inside as fast as I could. I’m sure my face was as red as could be. Lesson learned.
Always make sure that you have on all appropriate articles of clothing before stepping outside the home.
I wasn’t there for it but my ex took our 4 year old son to Hooters for a bike night get-together. The Hooters girls had some small motorized bikes for the kids to ride. My son went up to one of the hooters girls and said “I want to ride your cooter.” She was like “excuse me?” He kept saying it to her and she finally brought my son over to my ex and had him repeat himself: “I want to ride your cooter.” My ex just kind of stared at him confused and my son, who was exasperated by this time, walks up to one if the scooters and points at it saying “I want to ride the cooter!”
It was Easter night and pushing midnight. All the candy had been eaten and the fake grass thrown out in the trash. I sat in the dark on the couch scrolling through Pinterest as I do on my nights I can’t sleep. My son, who is 3, found himself awake and decided to join me. I turned on the TV. He rolled around and played in the floor. I continued online hoping if I ignored him long enough he would give up and go back to bed. I noticed he was taking his clothes off which is nothing unusual. It seems that boy enjoys being naked far too much in my opinion. I walk over and there is something in his hand. He smiled. After some inspection (remember we are in the dark with only light from my kindle and the TV) I take it. I ask, “Where’s the wrapper?” “Dere’s not one mama.” I thank him for the gift. I start to raise the little brown ball to my mouth and he starts screaming, “NO MAMA! DON’T EAT IT! DAT’S POOPY!” Needless to say I will never look at those little Easter chocolates in the same way again.
When my son was 3 we were at Home Depot and he had to go to the bathroom. I took him and when he was done I went also. While I’m going to the bathroom he bent down to see and looked behind him (making sure no one else could see the horror before him) and whispered –“mommy where is your penis?” I started to explain that women have a vagina not a penis and he was shocked! He asked me did your penis fall off?! No women don’t have a penis – but he refused to grasp the concept that I could be so alien.
We went back out to where my husband was talking to an employee and my son went running down the aisle screaming at the top of his lungs – “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy doesn’t have a penis she has machina!” My husband in his great wisdom told him when mommy was little she had a penis but she didn’t listen to her parents and it fell off! My son crossed his legs covered himself with his hands and screamed “I’ll be good I promise please don’t take my penis!” Of course by this time there were multiple people standing around watching my little angel scream in agony at the thought of losing his penis. He is the best behaved of my 3 boys still. Needless to say my hubby and all the people gawking at my embarrassment were more than amused.
I took my then three year old on a quick shopping trip to Target with me. He was being really good walking behind and me and singing little songs since his little sister was riding in the cart. He started singing a really cute tune that went something like “my booty’s out, you gotta shout my booty’s out!” Without looking back at him, I started singing along and doing a silly dance to keep him entertained back there. His song continued for a few aisles, and when it had gone on long enough I turn around to tell him to stop. To my horror, his pants and underwear were down around his ankles. His booty was out. Probably the entire time he was singing, and all along I was leading his bare ass through a busy Target while joining him in song and dance.
My most embarrassing moment so far has to be while I was pregnant with my now 20 month old son, Noah.
I was about 30 weeks along, I sat my then 3 year old in front of the tv so I could go poo. Well, I go sit down and as I was in the process of sitting on the toilet, baby Noah decided to drop into my pelvis. That caused my hips to lock up. I could NOT get up, and the bathroom was so small I couldn’t crawl off the toilet. My hubby was at work, and still had another 4 hours to get home. I didn’t have my cell phone with me like I usually do and my 3 year old would NOT bring it to me. I was just stuck. I had to sit there for 2.5 hours with a 3 year old laughing at me til my mother showed up to help me. For about 6 months after that any time anyone mentioned using the bathroom he had to tell what happened. Even strangers.
I was babysitting a friend’s 3 year old. I went to brush a bug off her arm. She is funny about being touched. So, in the middle of the park, she yells “DON’T TOUCH ME THERE! THAT’S A NO NO PLACE!!!!!” I have never run for a bus home that fast, ever.
When my eldest was only 2 1/2, (he is now almost 9) he and I lived with my mom and little sister, she was 12. I worked nights supporting all of us, because injury had left my mom disabled. Anywho, I always made my son breakfast and spent about 2 hours with him before I went to bed for a few hours. One morning, I was making his toast, and he was sitting on the counter beside me while we were waiting for it to pop up. My mom walks into the kitchen and asks him for a good morning kiss. He proceeds to hike his butt towards her, lets out a rather LOUD fart, and says, “There, I blew you one!” I laughed so hard I almost peed. My mom wouldn’t speak to me for 2 days because apparently I taught him this behavior. My little sister finally confessed to teaching it to him.
When my son was little he was breastfed, until he was almost 3. Not exclusively by breast but always breast milk. So the December before his 3rd birthday we were at a Christmas party in a restaurant with a many families, most of which I had not met. My son was obviously feeling like he was not getting the attention he thought he deserved so reached his arm down the front of my shirt and announced multiple times as loud as he could “These are mine! It’s where I eat and I’m hungry!” Needless to say we quit breastfeeding shortly thereafter and I had I leave the meal and the establishment.
Once upon a time I unknowingly sat on my sons half eaten fun size candy bar. By that I mean he got that snickers nice and juicy. I then went grocery shopping on my own. The only thing that makes me look forward to Friday is going somewhere alone while my husband tries to keep the kids breathing. Well, I thought man, a lot of people have been checking me out today, I must look great in these Spanx. Then I got home and before I unloaded the bags I put yoga pants on and saw a nice poop target right on the crack of my pants. Then I was really embarrassed and also pissed that apparently my husband doesn’t check out my ass anymore or he would have caught that before I left the house.
When my son, Xander was about 2 he became a hardcore Doritos Addict. Original Nacho–none of that Cool Ranch Crap. However, he couldn’t pronounce “chips.” Instead, he said “bitches.”
One day, Xander refused to eat lunch. I pulled out all the fave foods in order to get him to eat, knowing I had errands to run later and I was desperate to avoid a public meltdown. He refused to eat. I gave up and we headed out to…..Walmart. Don’t judge me, I was on a budget and needed diapers. So, we enter Walmart and Xander immediately spots…..Doritos. Meltdown ensues. Screaming, crying, tiny fists banging on the cart, and tiny feet kicking. My darling baby boy then started to scream, to all those who would listen and at the top of his tiny but mighty lungs, “I want bitches!!!!” Followed by, “I WANT BITCHES NOW!!!” “GIMME BITCHES NOW, MOMMY!!!!!”
Trying to stick my ground, I made it to the baby section, while the screaming continued, much to the amusement of every customer. Grabbed the diapers, wipes, socks, etc. But, Mother of the Year I’m not. I couldn’t take it. I grabbed a bag of Doritos, opened it, and handed it over. To which Xander replied, “Oh good….I LOVE BITCHES!!!”
Jenna Wynn Allen
When we were in the process of potty training my little one (Tristan) he would pee with ease but he would always shit his pants… Because of this, his uncle started called him a turd smuggler and the nickname took hold… I had to take him to class (I was in college, about to graduate) with me and the school was not very happy about it, but hey, WTF could I do?!?! I had to be in that class and I didn’t have anyone to watch him that day… Well we were having a test so I gave Tristan some paper and pens do he could be quiet and color while we took our tests… He was doing so good the first hour (the class was 1 hr 45 minutes) and then he started squirming in his chair and was nudging me. I told him to be quiet, I was almost finished and then we would go home, needless to say he kept shifting and whining so I finished my test ASAP, gathered all of our things together, and we walked to the front of the class to turn my paper in. He looked at my professor and told her in a VERY LOUD VOICE “it’s about damn time, I’m smuggling turds in my underwear and my mommy wouldn’t listen cause she was taking your stupid test!” I was shocked, the professor and the rest of my classmates were cracking up, all I could do was hang my head in shame, offer an apology, and run for the door
Seaason Violi Whitney
I was about 7 months pregnant n my older kids where in school, I had just bought a nice swishy satiny maternity dress>>Mistake #1
It was just above my knees>>mistake #2
I decided to wear said dress to walk to the school to pick the kids up>>mistake #3
Before I left the house I had to pee>>mistake #4
So I’m walking alongside a major thoroughfare at 2:50pm, 10 minutes before schools out, so in other words Hella Busy, as I’m walking along I have my headphones in walking along to the music vaguely hearing the car horns beep n distant shouts n whistles that accompany peak hour, until a car pulls right along beside me and the driver is beckoning for my attention; so, curious, I walk to the car….
That’s when this stranger (a stunning male specimen I might add) informs me, that my lovely, pretty, satiny, swishy maternity dress, was tucked into the top of my hideously huge maternity granny panties….
Needless to say, once collecting my kids and waddling home as fast as my pregnant ass could move, I did not show my face on that road again until that baby fell out and my hair was cut and dyed!
Clara Sexton McCarron
We were at the beach with my eldest, who was about 15 months old. He ended up getting the worst runny swim diaper. I was forced to change him on the beach, I was lucky to hold him down at all. I finally get him changed and back into swimsuit. He takes off running to the water and ends up kicking the swimmie into my face. I had runny, smelly poop all over my face! Everyone saw it as I went running past to wash my face in a tide pool! Then to top it off, I had seagulls attacking me afterwards! That is an unforgettable family vacation!!
My son Cayden and I were in the grocery store shopping. He was about four years old. He was steadily eyeing up another lady beside us. “Mommy she’s fat!” he says out loud. Horrified I looked over and saw the lady smiling at him just two steps behind us. “Cayden! That’s not nice!” I say. “Apologize!”
Talk about embarrassed.
We used to live in Hawaii, our last week on the Island before moving back stateside was spent at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. The hotel had a penguin display that we would see every morning on our way to get breakfast. At the time my oldest daughter was just a little over 2yrs old. While playing tourist for our last few days in paradise we decided to stroll the stores in Waikiki. Lots of people everywhere! My daughter had fallen asleep in the stroller, she woke up SCREAMING at the top of her lungs on a crowded sidewalk “I want PENIS!!” We couldn’t calm her down; I kept trying to figure out why she would be yelling for penis? So I kept repeating, you want peanuts, you want pencils, literally anything I could think of I was asking her to try to calm her down, but the fact that I didn’t understand what she was asking for infuriated her even more, so we speed-walked all the way back to the hotel as she screamed for penis, it felt like miles!!! As we were walking up to the elevators, she calmed down, pointed and said penis… OH PENGUINS!!
My children were probably 3 and 5 at the time. I was casually picking up around the house when I heard the water running in the bathroom and clearly 2 voices behind the closed door. It’s never a good thing when there is a party in the bathroom. So I opened the door slowly and peeked making sure not to disturb whatever the hell was going on there. I was horrified to find my children taking turns drinking out of my diaphragm like it was a gosh darn Dixie Cup. I was the only one to see it happen, but to this day it’s still my most embarrassing parenting moment.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times