In just one sleep- we will be on our way to Disney World! At this point (Saturday night- with all the packing I had to get this done early!) the boys still have NO idea we are going.
Let me tell you the story of WHY.
Why are we keeping this a secret? Why not just tell them? Well, it’s really quite simple. This is our third trip to Disney World. The first time, I told them as soon as it was booked and they proceeded to bug the ever-living SHIT out of me for the next two months. From that experience- I learned never to tell small children before leaving. Last year? I tried to be smooth. I told them we were going on a “special secret vacation.” The destination, to them, was unknown. We drove overnight, and thank you CHEEZUS, they slept the entire way. The plan was to tell them as we were pulling into the resort- but as the sun came up, and the boys started waking, all of the ginormous Disney signage basically gave our secret away.
When the time actually came to reveal the truth, I didn’t even get so much as a “yay!”
Big fat fucking “womp womp.”
I knew this time HAD to be different. I had to pull out ALL the stops. They are older and far more perceptive- so this would have to be BIG.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have told them that we were going anywhere at all- but with Holden in school, I am sure his teacher would end up mentioning the trip or that he would be out of school for a week, and it would be blown- so there had to be a story. A GOOD story. But where could I POSSIBLY tell them they were going that wouldn’t end in disappointment when they found out the truth? After consulting with some friends, I concocted the perfect, most horrible cover story you could imagine.
We were taking a trip to a Shoe Factory. Mommy has been looking for a pair of boots for two years now unsuccessfully we went to Disney the past two years- it’s MY damn turn. They were not pleased. As time passed, this story became more and more horrible.
It went from your normal run of the mill factory, to a run down, haunted abandoned factory with zombie bats that would try to suck your blood, rats the size of Buicks, and enchanted dinosaur bones that came to life and tried to chase you. Duh- carnivores only.
Every day, not only I, but the boys as well have made this story worse. There are no hotel rooms so we have to sleep on the floor. There is no ceiling so we have to wear ponchos because it is going to rain the whole time. We have to eat dry cereal for every single meal because there is no refrigerator and perishable food attracts the rats. We need a giant knife and ninja moves to fight off these beasts. I mean, really… it’s totally absurd.
Each time, I get a “Awwww, but I wanted to go to Disney!” response, and each time, I respond in turn by saying “Maybe next year!” while giggling fiendishly under my breath.
It has been one of the HARDEST tasks of my life keeping this secret from them for SO long when all I want to do is gush to them about the things we will be doing and seeing, the rides and the food and the hotel and the characters. I’ve been going INSANE!
BUT!!!! The time has FINALLY come! It is REVEAL time! For better or for worse (because you know how kids are. They get excited over stupid ass shit and not the good shit)- and my big master plan was to take them out for pizza, and the pizza would have pepperoni in the shape of Mickey’s head on it- BLAM! Disney! Easy, right?
I did not LOOK at this pizza before it came out because I thought- how hard can it be? It’s one big circle, and two little circles. In hindsight- I should have.
This is the result:
I’m just TOO GOOD damnit! TOO convincing! I will get the screamy freak-out reaction next time. I SWEAR IT I WILL!
Me: Man, my toy allergy eyes are bad today Kids: What? Me: Yeah,if I see any of your crap on my floor I'll have a reaction and THROW IT AWAY
@AmericHousewife it's cute you think I'll survive to them turning that age!
Oh, you're really in for it! pic.twitter.com/xXzFxhlxRJ
Spring into Spring-a-Palooza at Great Wolf lodge! goo.gl/fb/Ey9QEb
Vodka might rhyme with Friday, but what rhymes with Tuesday is "SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME HAVE MY COFFEE!"
Am I a "housewife"? Technically yes. Do I do "housewife" things? UM. NO. I fail. holdinholden.com/2014/08/i-am…
7yo: what's a colon? 9yo: it's the top of a smiley face Husband: ...and the inside of your butthole Me: *deep sigh*