It’s that time again! To dive into the analytics of this blog and find
out WHAT people punched into their search bars and landed here.
These are verbatim- I did not correct spelling nor grammar- these are ACTUAL search terms that people went trolling the internet for… well… in some cases I don’t want to know what they were actually looking to find- but they found me instead.
Ones that always leave me asking: What the hell, Google?
“fat easter bunny”
Listen here- if my job were to make candy all year long and I shit jellybeans- you would have to grease doorways to get my gigantor ass out.
penisy…. penisy boys? PENISY? Not dickish or douchey or assholish or buttfaced- but PENISY? And you searched for this because…. I don’t even want to know.
“100 women aren’t worth 1 testicle confucious”
I bit the bullet and actually Googled this one, because if that little turd Confucious actually said the above, he deserves a thousands of years too late dickpunch. I’d be happy to break the barriers of time in order to do so. The jury is still out, with some websites claiming true and some claiming misquote- but I can tell ya- my foot is aching to kick a certain penisy boy.
“big hard poop and constipation”
I really hope your search yielded in gigantic bold letters, “MIRALAX!” For real, try it. Your poo will get greased right on out of you.
“boys in kindergarten can’t use a urinal”
You don’t have to tell ME- the hideous puke green briefs Holden wore home after he went to the bathroom at school and insisted he couldn’t control himself because his pee “just went straight up!” was proof enough.
“couldn’t get to the bathroom and exploded”
Exploded…. poop? Pee? Babies? Swallowed a cherry bomb? Too many nacho cheese burritos from the freezer section of the grocery store? Bloomin’ onion? I MUST KNOW! And also- if you exploded- how are you still coherent enough to be typing into a search engine?
“craigslist makes me lose hope in humanity”
Take 10 minutes to read through missed connections and I swear you will see just how valuable Craigslist is… not for legitimate hook ups, mind you- but to laugh at the dude who who farted in the grocery store and mistook the look of disgust from the women right within ass-range as love at first sight.
“the creature of a nightmare in movie”
So basically you’re looking for me on a Monday morning before coffee? Good fucking luck. My face breaks all camera lenses within zoom distance.
“don’t steal raisins from kid’s lunch”
A) if you were going to steal ANYTHING from a kid’s lunch- why in the FUCK would it be raisins?? Gimme that oreo cookie, sucka!
B) my more logical guess here is you are the a-hole stealing raisins from innocent little children and one day those raisins were replaced with rabbit turds (which do look remarkably similar) and are looking for people to commiserate with. Had you chosen the OREOS like a NORMAL human being- you’d find entire support groups. Weirdo.
“does holden procrastinate”
Does my dog go all psycho and pee all over himself and everyone else when strangers come to the front door? Does my husband fart and blame it on the dog because he knows I can tell his farts from the kids so he can’t use them as scapegoats (or would that be fartgoats?) anymore? Hint: the answer is yes.
“gaping dog vagina”
Thanks a lot, ASSHOLE, for the horrifying visual! I guess I know what my dreams will be filled with tonight- and it ain’t sugar plums.
“I am unintentionally rude”
So… I see you’ve met my children.
“is a shoe fetish satanic”
GASP! YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE RIGHT THIS INSTANT! Or bite your fingers- Whatever it takes to NEVER think nor type that statement EVER AGAIN!
The only satanic shoes are crocs. And uggs. Remember that.
“shall I pencil you in for a date”
Let me guess… you are the one who made that sad person above lose faith in humanity because of Craigslist, right? Or did you think Google was Siri and would actually answer you with some kind of seemingly intelligent quip?
“jewelry for pee hole of women”
Hold the mother-badword presses! You actually searched. For jewelry. For a woman’s “PEE HOLE”?
I just… I can’t…
Wait, yes I can. Was the pee hole staring at you while you were down there doing your lady a favor? Are you scared it will leak on you so you want to plug it up?
No… nope, I still can’t.
“love pooping in public”
And I bet your poop is REALLY stinky too.
“my girl sexy shit poop”
I’m really not sure whether to be totally freaked out or to think that you are God’s gift to women. Half the male population still thinks we don’t even have an anus.
“oh my no bra”
So many different ways I could take this-
a state of glee at the end of a long day or a man noticing headlights in public: “Oh my, no bra!”
With three snaps in the shape of a Z when the boulder holder just won’t cooperate “Oh my NO, bra!”
Selling a new product that promises to be invisible under clothes: “Oh! My ‘No’ bra!”
“I puked and peed my pants”
Oh girl, we have all been there. If you’re a boy… well… You might want to get that checked out.
“most unsexy things women say or do”
Pretty much EVERYTHING on this list. And in this blog.
Allow me to quote the effervescent Cartman to really sum up this series I have loved putting together for the past 4 1/2 years here on blogger and sharing with you all: Why does everything today have to do with things going in and coming out of my ass??
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
How you win at parenting pic.twitter.com/vFxCsfqmh7