When you think of the word “vacation”- what comes to mind? Is it those cheesy ass Sandals commercials with “I had the time of my life” playing in the background; sitting on the beach in a giant hat sipping brightly colored adult beverages out of a pineapple that are never-ending because, cha-ching, the resort is all-inclusive, and the only sound you hear is that of waves crashing on the beach?
Perhaps it’s just a result of evil subliminal marketing and spamming the fuck out of my TV for years on end- but really, that’s exactly what I imagined when the word “vacation” was uttered once I turned 21. I’d say 18, but in all honesty, I was still imagining Spring Break type of ridiculous shenanigans at that age.
And then I had kids.
Anyone who has read anything I’ve written at least once knows that I love my children, I have no regrets- but vacations like THAT? Simply aren’t possible anymore with little ones. Vacations aren’t really vacations when you have kids.
Even if you find someone to
pawn the kids off on watch your little beauties while you are whisked away to a deserted island- you find yourself in that beach chair with the soft sound of the Dirty Dancing soundtrack playing in the distance, a nice cold mojito in your hand- and you are finally able to sit back and relax, for the first time in lord only KNOWS how long- and then it happens. Your brain flicks on like a lightswitch. “I wonder what the kid/s are doing. I wonder if they are okay. I hope they don’t miss me too much! But I want them to miss me, but not TOO much. And man this quiet is nice but I miss them. I want to go home. But I NEED this vacation”
And that’s pretty much how the entirety of the vacation goes. Well, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never gotten an “adult” vacation. I just know that’s how I feel when I’m finally out getting my hair colored so I look 29 and not 39 and no harassing text message from Thomas has come in the past hour. Mompanic. Momguilt. Just plain old regular Parenthood worries? It could be that I’m just totally insane and way too overprotective and maybe possibly a teensy bit neurotic and a chronic worry wart- but I have to believe these types of feelings are normal. We LOVE our children. We may not LIKE them all the time- but we love them- and being away from them is not an easy thing to do. Shutting the brain off when you ARE is even harder. I can’t do it. I think I’m physically and mentally unable to do so. It is exhausting being with them, it’s even more exhausting thinking and worrying about them.
So, since I’m too much of a helicopter mom and I can’t find anyone
gullible enough to watch my demons kind enough to watch the boys- I’m taking them on vacation with me. To a place that some would tout as “Parental Hell”- but really, I’m a big overgrown child, so I’m actually looking forward to it. MOST of it, anyway. Like I said, a vacation is NOT a “vacation” when kids are involved!
Disney World: The place where dreams come true. Or is it.. the place that magic happens? Whatever- either of those are only true if you can survive the stress and exhaustion! This applies to every vacation spot when the kids are tagging along.
The worries of packing and forgetting important shit like the special stuffed animal or blanket or pillow. Having enough clothes just in case of accidents and crappy weather. Remembering their toothpaste and soap and pajamas (I am NOTORIOUS for forgetting pajamas.) Then you have to worry about travel and will they be total assholes, do we have snacks and things to keep them occupied? What do we do if they lose their shit? When you finally, at long last, arrive to your destination- you have to deal with attitudes and complaining and being overtired and the consequences of having forgotten the special stuffed animal (likely because they told you it was something different before you left) and they hate absolutely everything there is to eat and their legs are tired but NO they won’t take a nap- and WHAT? They have to sleep in the same bed? Who cares if they did it with no problem LAST year- that shit ain’t gonna fly this time, lady. The fun parts are FUN but the stresses and worries will wear you down faster than a flip flop blister.
By day two- I will feel as though I need a vacation from my vacation. A REAL vacation. I don’t need to have the time of my life, but damnit- I want to feel like I’ve never felt before- totally and completely stress and worry free! And maybe a little drunk.
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.