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5 things not to say to women if you want to keep your nutsack in tact

Normally when it comes to the arguments that happen between a man and a woman when the man happens to say something “wrong”- I just sit back and giggle while thinking “well, that’s your funeral!”
Things have changed since I pushed two members of the male species out of my vagina and am raising them with the hopes that they will be functioning members of society- and in order to do that, you have to be very careful with what you say to females.
I feel sort of a kindred bond with the penises of the world. A connection. A sympathy, even. I want to help! Not just for you, but for us ALL. For world peace!

Helping to not only help men not get their testicles torn off, or ripped a new asshole blog419(neither of which sounds very appealing if you ask me)- but also helping women to be happier. Happy Wife, happy life! Not married? Happy Chick, Happy…. I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.
There are also selfish reasons, of course. The other night, I was waiting for Thomas to finish up on the computer in order to take the dog outside. Why didn’t I take him out myself, you ask? Well, it’s just kind of tradition that we take the turd out together. Time away from screens. Time to talk, whatever. This is EVERY single night without fail. It’s almost like tradition now.

Recently he has started playing some stupid first person shooter computer game. I don’t know what it is. I don’t really care enough to remember- I’m sure he told me, though. Although it might seem like  it from the previous two sentences- I don’t have a problem with computer games. I have a problem with a candy crush addiction and wanting to smash my phone into oblivion from time to time, but computer games are fine. To a point.

You see, when it came time to take the dog out- I was told to hold on. Okay, no biggie. Finish what you’re doing. About 10 minutes pass, and I remind him of how long it’s been and that I’m still waiting so we can take the dog out. At that moment, he says one thing to me that set me off. We’re talking I was ready to remove his nutsack and shove it down his throat. And it’s hard to get me mad, believe it or not.

This got me thinking- Thomas and I have been married for over six years now. He grew up with women in his house. Shouldn’t he KNOW not to say certain things because they will set women OFF? After consulting some friends, the resounding and sad answer to that question is a unilateral NO.

So here I am. I somehow doubt this will help, but what’s that thing people say about never knowing if you don’t try? Maybe the 7,452nd time will be a charm! A girl can dream!

What NOT to say to women if you want to keep your nutsack in tact

“CALM DOWN”
The quickest way to see a woman who is nowhere near calm is to tell her to calm down. Especially if she is ALREADY calm. This is what Thomas said to me the other night when I CALMLY reminded him that I’d been waiting on him for 10 minutes. I then very calmly told him I was going to rip his throat out if he ever said that to me again.

“You’re crazy”
I don’t care if she’s gone total mouth-foaming batshit on you. Never EVER call a woman crazy or she will show you just how crazy she can be- and trust me… even the non-crazy ones can get CRAZY AS FUCK. I don’t say this to make women look bad- I say this as a warning because it is true.

“Are you on your period?”
NEVER! Never never ever ask a woman if her attitude has anything to do with that time of the month. Don’t ask if her “fuse is lit”- do NOT make a joke about her being “on the rag.” Just be safe and do not imply that her attitude has to do with her hormones- even if she tells you it does. It’s like being able to insult your own family members, but if someone else does it, you want to commit bodily harm. Consider a woman to be a two-fer. We can tell you what’s wrong with us- but you CANNOT. Periods are bad enough. The symptoms that come with them are even worse. We don’t need you joking at our expense when we’re already miserable. Can’t you just be happy you don’t bleed from your dick on a monthly basis and leave us alone? I mean, really.

“You sound just like your mother”
This is a double-NO. A no-no if you will. Not only are you saying she sounds like her mother, but you are implying that is a bad thing- which is insulting both her AND her mother in one fell swoop. You don’t insult someone’s mother. Do you have a death wish?

“What did you DO all day?”
Look, how you’re just asking for a spork to the taint. I can’t help you here.
Heed my words fellow humans! HEED THEM! I’m doing it for your own benefit and the benefit of all humankind.
Ladies- feel free to add your “DON’T SAY THAT SHIT TO ME”s in the comments. I’ve always said- they can’t fix the problem if they don’t know what they’re doing wrong, so we must tell them. I never thought we’d have to tell them 5,000 times- but hey. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 32 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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32 Comments

  • Chandra Kolobus Lynch April 19, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    I hate when my ex would say, “If you would just obey me”. Lost ALOT of dishes and frying pans to that one!

  • Never say to a stay at home mom ” I make the money so I decide how it’s spent.” That little sentence made me see red and visions of sitting on death row.

    • or “you can’t call something a job, if you can do it in your PJs”
      or “every day is your weekend, so you don’t need a break!” UGHH! that one gets me heated!
      or “you want to switch places? i’ll GLADLY stay at home for you all day, while YOU work… then i’ll ask you to help out at home and see how you feel after working 45+ hours.”

      nope, i’ve never heard any of those! LOL (i hope you sense my sarcasm)

    • Oooooh yeah, that’s a bad one. I always just shoot back with “I can’t WAIT till I’m a nurse and I won’t share any of my money with you that I earn.” It doesn’t help the fact that I want to punchersize his face though lol.

  • A huge one for me is when my husband gets me so mad and then says “you’re so cute when you’re mad.” or “you have a cute wiggle when you storm off mad” GRRRRRR

  • a huge one for me is when my husband makes me laugh when i am upset. LET ME BE UPSET DAMNIT! i mean, it’s a nice guesture and i guess it’s a good thing at the end of the day. BUT when I WANT to be mad or am supposed to be mad about something, the last thing i want to do is smile or laugh!! there’s a time for every thing, even a momma’s anger! we’ve gotta let out sometime! 😉

  • Theresa Strickland April 19, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    It isn’t so much a phrase that gets me going with my husband during discussions. What I dislike the most is when my husband twists my words & accuses me of saying something I didn’t say. I tell him if he would actually listen to what I’m saying instead of jumping the gun, he would know what I had actually said. Also, I absolutely loathe the fact that he likes to interrupt me while I’m in mid-sentence. I’m like, “Sorry. I didn’t mean for the middle of my sentence to interrupt the beginning of yours.”

    • I can’t tell you how many times i know i didn’t say something that he accuses me iof saying. Ill admit, sometimes I’m wrong, but most of the time, i know what I’m saying. I find it hilarious that when the tables are turned though he can’t stand it… So why would you think i would?

    • I hate that one too, but my most hated one is “it’s my money, you don’t have money, I work you don’t so it’s not our money”

    • 100% agree- not listening is the worst, it causes more of an argument than there was to begin with!!

    • Do we have the same husband?
      That’s one of the things he does that literally makes me shake with anger.
      No, that’s not what I said.
      And if I take a natural pause in a conversation, he thinks that’s his chance to start going off on a rant, leaving me with an unfinished thought. Even if I don’t take a natural pause (you know, to breathe) he still does it.

  • OH… AND BY THE WAY…. That will get him cut!!

  • My hubby has a host of shitty shit he likes to say to me that makes my blood boil, but the WORST one of all is: “I could do what YOU do all day long and never complain.” Really? You could change poopy diapers, get two cranky kids up and on the road by 6 a.m., drop them off, go to school and then drive an hour to get home every day? (And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg) And never take naps? He would DIE if he couldn’t nap. Or, and this one’s on purpose: “Guess you can’t change oil ’cause you don’t have that thing between your legs.” Followed by a wink. HA. HA.

  • How about “you just sit on your butt all day playing on Facebook”. Really? And the kids took it upon themselves to cook their meals, clean up after their messes, put themselves down for naps and change their own diapers all day. Why don’t we have more kids so I can do even LESS!?!

  • Worse one I ever heard was…”chooo chooo here comes the crazy train”!!!!!!
    Makes me livid just thinking about it!!!

  • You forgot GET OVER IT!!!.. I can put up with a lot of shit.. But “Get over it” makes me want to push him out of a moving car. BTW been married 20 yrs and have been thru a lot,, You got to pick your battles on the messes cause you’re not gonna change it.. But GET OVER IT… One more of those and the death certificate will say: ” cause of death, asphyxiation due to sock shoved down his throat”

  • You’re just asking for a spork to the taint….roflmao. OMG that line cracked me up…literally LOL’d at 330am waking everyone up. Ps..Ellen hasn’t called you yet? What’s her problem??

  • Mine doesn’t stop at crazy…. He is stupid enough to say I’m psycho. I tell him if he really wants to see what a psycho is like to call me that again. And the second most comment i hate is, “your so stupid”

  • My favorite “What’s wrong with you?”…..Oh, I’m about to show you!

  • The one that really burns my butt? ‘They’re YOUR kids, they came out of YOUR foof, YOU deal with them’. My reply, every single time he comes out with that? YOU put the little darlings IN there, YOU deal with the temper tantrums, the strops, and the pre teen hormones. I did my part. Mum on strike here. lmbo!!!

  • Oh the best one I got hit with was…’Are you always bipolar, or just today’.
    So I literally hit him!

  • […] ever discount her feelings simply because she is a woman, and women are emotional. Especially never blame anything on her period. Not even if she does it first. If you say the word &#…. I won’t feel bad for […]

  • never ever say to me ” AREN’T YOU GOING TO THE GYM TONIGHT? ”

    don’t care if the reason you are asking is to find out if you should clean up after dinner, or put the kids down or do laundry for me – DO NO ASK me EVER if i am going to the gym … i will F*ing go – get all PUMPED UP and come home completely HOMICIDAL – this is NOT the thing to ask – a BETTER thing to say is …

    “hey, do you want me to clean up the kitchen tonight?” i might actually sound appreciative and say – “hey that’d be great – then i can hit the gym!!”

    asking if i plan to go to the gym is like saying – hey you’re fat and flabby and i’d like you to work out – making me think of my fat and flab making me HATE YOU and MY ASS all at the same time!!

  • WOMAN…just the utterance of it being used in place of a female’s name will make me come unglued. I find it to be very derogatory.This has amazed many male figures in my life, go ahead call me a bitch I can own up to that most days and for sure if you’re gonna call me WOMAN like I am a lesser being than the no so all mighty man!

  • one word…….”whatever”
    i will cut you!

  • The only thing that the hubs (or anyone really) cab say that totally and instantly pisses me off is – shh! Not hush, not hang on, hell-even shut up is better than SHH! i’m not a two year old, thanks.

    • Shushing me makes me escalate instantly! My husband thinks it’s funny to say “shhh” when I rant about something, then watch my eyes start to spin! Or he will say “you’re at. 9, I need you at a 4” with hand gestures and everything… I have threatened to kill him when this happens… I should probably not say that anymore, if something actually happened I would be convicted for sure!

  • Oh my nodding my head and wiping my tears from laughter while reading this awesome blog!!! My hubby has said some dipshit things to me over the years but there was one year that exceeded it all. I was feeling very self conscious 3 months after I had my baby. I had tried on 10 different jeans to go out on a date with him and I told him I felt uncomfortable and I asked “did these jeans make me look fat?” His response “well honey, it ain’t the jeans…” My response was after I retrieve your balls from my purse I’m going to shove them down your $#%@ throat!!!!! Almost 8 years ago now and I still can’t let that remark go.

  • I have anxiety and depression so im on meds…. my hubby thinks its funny when im in freak out mode to say “honey did you take your meds?” Or ” you need to take your meds babe.” Omg! I just wanna choke him when he says that crap! I sitting there thinking to myself ill choke your arse with the whole frickin bottle you frickin fricker!

  • Just yesterday he says to me, “Stop spending MY money”. I beg your pardon? Your wha? Yours, really? Tell me again who does your laundry, cook your meals, and handles the budget? I’m sorry we needed groceries. Silly me, I won’t buy frivolous things like toilet paper or vegetables anymore.

    Sorry, it’s still a little raw. Carry on.