Normally when it comes to the arguments that happen between a man and a woman when the man happens to say something “wrong”- I just sit back and giggle while thinking “well, that’s your funeral!”
Things have changed since I pushed two members of the male species out of my vagina and am raising them with the hopes that they will be functioning members of society- and in order to do that, you have to be very careful with what you say to females.
I feel sort of a kindred bond with the penises of the world. A connection. A sympathy, even. I want to help! Not just for you, but for us ALL. For world peace!
Helping to not only help men not get their testicles torn off, or ripped a new asshole (neither of which sounds very appealing if you ask me)- but also helping women to be happier. Happy Wife, happy life! Not married? Happy Chick, Happy…. I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.
There are also selfish reasons, of course. The other night, I was waiting for Thomas to finish up on the computer in order to take the dog outside. Why didn’t I take him out myself, you ask? Well, it’s just kind of tradition that we take the turd out together. Time away from screens. Time to talk, whatever. This is EVERY single night without fail. It’s almost like tradition now.
Recently he has started playing some stupid first person shooter computer game. I don’t know what it is. I don’t really care enough to remember- I’m sure he told me, though. Although it might seem like it from the previous two sentences- I don’t have a problem with computer games. I have a problem with a candy crush addiction and wanting to smash my phone into oblivion from time to time, but computer games are fine. To a point.
You see, when it came time to take the dog out- I was told to hold on. Okay, no biggie. Finish what you’re doing. About 10 minutes pass, and I remind him of how long it’s been and that I’m still waiting so we can take the dog out. At that moment, he says one thing to me that set me off. We’re talking I was ready to remove his nutsack and shove it down his throat. And it’s hard to get me mad, believe it or not.
This got me thinking- Thomas and I have been married for over six years now. He grew up with women in his house. Shouldn’t he KNOW not to say certain things because they will set women OFF? After consulting some friends, the resounding and sad answer to that question is a unilateral NO.
So here I am. I somehow doubt this will help, but what’s that thing people say about never knowing if you don’t try? Maybe the 7,452nd time will be a charm! A girl can dream!
The quickest way to see a woman who is nowhere near calm is to tell her to calm down. Especially if she is ALREADY calm. This is what Thomas said to me the other night when I CALMLY reminded him that I’d been waiting on him for 10 minutes. I then very calmly told him I was going to rip his throat out if he ever said that to me again.
I don’t care if she’s gone total mouth-foaming batshit on you. Never EVER call a woman crazy or she will show you just how crazy she can be- and trust me… even the non-crazy ones can get CRAZY AS FUCK. I don’t say this to make women look bad- I say this as a warning because it is true.
“Are you on your period?”
NEVER! Never never ever ask a woman if her attitude has anything to do with that time of the month. Don’t ask if her “fuse is lit”- do NOT make a joke about her being “on the rag.” Just be safe and do not imply that her attitude has to do with her hormones- even if she tells you it does. It’s like being able to insult your own family members, but if someone else does it, you want to commit bodily harm. Consider a woman to be a two-fer. We can tell you what’s wrong with us- but you CANNOT. Periods are bad enough. The symptoms that come with them are even worse. We don’t need you joking at our expense when we’re already miserable. Can’t you just be happy you don’t bleed from your dick on a monthly basis and leave us alone? I mean, really.
“You sound just like your mother”
This is a double-NO. A no-no if you will. Not only are you saying she sounds like her mother, but you are implying that is a bad thing- which is insulting both her AND her mother in one fell swoop. You don’t insult someone’s mother. Do you have a death wish?
“What did you DO all day?”
Look, how you’re just asking for a spork to the taint. I can’t help you here.
Heed my words fellow humans! HEED THEM! I’m doing it for your own benefit and the benefit of all humankind.
Ladies- feel free to add your “DON’T SAY THAT SHIT TO ME”s in the comments. I’ve always said- they can’t fix the problem if they don’t know what they’re doing wrong, so we must tell them. I never thought we’d have to tell them 5,000 times- but hey. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Just remember: calories don't count today. But just in case... wear stretchy pants. pic.twitter.com/vOCiF0YpEG
Being a parent makes you thankful for some weird shit holdinholden.com/2013/11/what…
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the part where my kids whine about being hungry all day and then only eat mashed potatoes.
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
Don't feel bad for tossing frozen chicken strips in the oven and calling it dinner. Don't even feel bad if you don't turn them over. holdinholden.com/2016/05/shit…
To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV