This is Rant Club.
Before we begin I must inform you of the first rule of Rant Club.
No, it’s not that you can’t talk about it- you could make t-shirts for all I fucking care. Actually, t-shirts would be pretty damn cool, but I digress.
The first rule of Rant Club is that you cannot interrupt a rant with silly things like logic or reason. Just sit back and appreciate the rant for its wild irrational nature.
It all started yesterday. It was time for me to make lunch and Parker was bugging the fuck out about playing Starfall on the computer. If you do not know what Starfall is, a) you’re lucky, b) it is an online learning program. A horribly obnoxious online learning program, but it works. Recently he has made it a habit instead of clicking on the less-annoying letter sounds, to go straight for the music. Not just any music, but kiddie music. And not just any kiddie music, but the kind that is poorly and condescendingly sung by hokey older folks wearing acid washed jeans and lugging around a guitar. If you’re a parent- you know the exact kind of kiddie music I mean. It is the WORST.
For the past month he has tortured me with “The Wheels on the Bus”- over and over and OVER again until I feel like I am actually going to jump out of my skin and run away in a flash of fleshy weirdness. I guess yesterday the heavens must have been smiling on me because the child finally gave me a reprieve and started listening to “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”… only, it WASN’T The Itsy Bitsy- they kept singing “The Eensy Weensy Spider”- and by the 3rd time through it, the error finally registered in my mind and I could feel my childhood memory of horrifying my arachnophobic little self with this song by singing it until I was blue in the face being junkpunched. I couldn’t contain the sheer rage
“NO!!!! THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SING IT!”
I’m pretty sure Parker won’t be listening to that EXCUSE for Itsy Bitsy goodness ever again- but that’s not the point.
The point is that I LOVE my childhood memories. No, it wasn’t perfect- but there are so many things that I look back on and think “Man, that was fucking AWESOME!”– only today, with my own children, go to experience again hoping to relive those days and capture a little bit of my childhood back, even if just for a second- and get the big ol’ brass knuckle-wearing junkpunk. Yes, punching lady junk hurts too.
It’s all being RUINED by healthy crappy wheat filled stupid new lingo spewing BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT I SAY!!!
HEY! MODERNIZING COMPANIES- GIVE ME BACK MY CHILDHOOD!
Not everything needs to be fucked with or updated or reduced or made bigger. You don’t have to remove the FUN from a toy when you remove the lead. Shit. It’s not that hard to understand!
Dear Present- stop junkpunching my memories!!!
Nesquik is sugar free? Can I pay you to put the sugar back in??
Blah blah more healthy blah blah blah- Hey, look over here fuckholes- I turned out JUST FINE on this horribly dangerous stuff you have mucked with to make taste like cardboard!
On top of the pooping on my beloved Itsy Bitsy, they don’t sing “Ring Around the Rosie” anymore. Because the plague was so relevant in the 80s, not! I don’t care how long it’s been! It’s tradition! .
The super smelly markers I used to huff in the back of the classroom that smelled like strawberries, licorice and SUNSHINE don’t really smell anymore- What? because huffing is dangerous or something? Psh.
The iron has been taken out of Monopoly in place of a cat. HAVEN’T WE ALL SEEN ENOUGH CATS?
We now have 100 calorie packs- aka disappointment in a pouch instead of the joy of reaching into a bag or a box and just yanking out a heaping handful. Man I miss that. I also miss being guilt free and FULL.
Sunny Delight admitting it isn’t juice?? THE HORROR! My entire childhood believing I was drinking a healthy juice beverage- ruined! Capri sun sells WATER in a pouch instead of two indistinguishable juice-ish flavors? What the shit?
When you sit cross-legged on the floor, it’s now called “criss cross apple-sauce” AYFKM with this politically correct shit? Look, I KNOW the old way was offensive, but if you had to go and be all ridiculously PC- You couldn’t come up with something shorter?
The Ninja Turtles don’t say COWABUNGA anymore? What in the even fuck? Next thing you know they’re going to be eating whole wheat crusted pizza hold the cheese. That greasy slimy wonderful cheese will be no more. The Rugrats are pre-teens- I call bullshit on having to change them to keep the series popular or relevant- Maggie Simpson hasn’t aged in 20 years.
There are thousands of new stupid things to fuck up- leave my childhood loves and memories alone!
I am weak pic.twitter.com/LYdRQ6EZcC
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