The birds and the… butts?

It was a typical dinner- all four of us gathered around the table. I can’t remember what we we had, likely because it was nothing special and also because I suck at cooking- and per usual- we had all finished eating and were waiting on Parker. We are ALWAYS waiting on Parker, aka, the slowest eater in the world.

I have tried time and time again to enforce the “no toys at the table!” rule, but that doesn’t always work when we’re all done in 10 minutes and Parker takes the better part of an hour, and since I also have a “no getting up until we’re all done!” rule because if you leave the table Parker stops eating and then it turns into a Battle Royale and really by that time of evening I’m not in the fucking mood for those kinds of shenanigans- I HAVE to let Holden grab something to play with while he waits.

That night, he chose a beanie baby he won at school. A dalmatian (I think) that he named “Fluffy”- SO creative, I know! I mean, I don’t want to brag or anything, but that kid- what an imagination!

Don’t ask me why, but ever since he won this “Fluffy” from school (something about good behavior, yadda yadda yadda)- he has been treating it like it is a REAL dog. Not that he hasn’t had the tendency before to pretend with his toys, make sound effects, talk- but this is on another level. It’s funny, but it’s also equally weird.
He was making Fluffy dance across the table when suddenly he shoved the thing down the neck hole of his shirt and pushes it down to his stomach area. The kid looks over to me, huge smile on his face, and announces “I’M PREGNANT!” 
I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to mess with him a little, so I casually asked him how he planned to give birth to poor little Fluffy. Back down the shirt’s neck hole he reaches, yanking it out and proudly, as if victorious, says “TADAAAAAA!”
Obviously I couldn’t let that slide, could I?
“You know that’s not how it happens. That’s not how babies come out”
“Ugh. I KNOW, Mommy”
“Okay then, you tell me- how does a woman get a baby out?”
“The doctor pulls it out of her butt!!!”

Beware the pregnant fart-
a BABY might come out!

I know, I set myself up for that. Never has the action of giving birth been explained to him. He knows that a mother grows a baby in her stomach, but after that I’d imagined in his mind was some kind of magical sorcery that got the baby from inside to outside. Little did I know, he thinks babies come out of buttholes.

From what I can tell, when and how to teach your children about the birds and the butts bees can turn into quite the hot topic. Everyone has a different opinion on which words to use for no-no bits, which ones to teach and when; some people believe in telling kids that the stork delivered them and all of their siblings to avoid teaching a small child to say PENIS and VAGINA.
What I personally believe is that this is a decision that should be made by the parents based on the knowledge of their child based on their personality. Every kid is different.
Since I don’t give a flying fart in space what anyone thinks about me or my parenting- I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.

Nothing! The kid’s 5, not 8, not 10- in the world of Holden- things of the bodily baby birthing nature are on a need to know basis. And being that I know him better than anyone else, I can tell you that teaching him that babies come out of something called a VAGINA and I just so happen to have this VAGINA would mean that he would go to school and tell everyone that he and they all came out of their mommy’s vaginas. Can you imagine the call home on that one? Even though it would be mostly accurate- it’s not something a kindergartner needs to go around telling people.
That’s the kind of kid he is. King of the overshare. Proud of his knowledge.
Not to mention, sharing with him this kind of knowledge would automatically mean he’d run and tell Parker, because he tells Parker EVERYTHING- including the things he doesn’t repeat in school- and Parker? Well, if we’re going by the fact that he has already announced to a packed hospital cafeteria that his mommy “HAS BIG BOOBS! BIG ONES!”– and while I’m actually slightly flattered that he thinks my boobs are big, because they are not, and NO one has ever said that to me before in my LIFE-  I can only imagine that the next logical step upon learning that on the day of his birth he had to be squeezed out of his Mommy’s vagina would be for him to be with me during school pick-up, see his brother come into the cafeteria where we and all the other parents are sitting, and yell to him “MOMMY HAS A BIG VAGINA! A BIG ONE!”– and as funny as I find these situations (days to weeks later) I honestly do try to avoid them if at all possible.

My vagina and what goes in and out of it, for now, will remain a mystery to my children. The birds and the bees can wait- even if it means that I gave birth out of my butt. I mean, the kids ARE giant turds- so really, how wrong is he?

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Lol!! That is too funny! Mine are obsessed with their penises at the moment. They are both four and one wants his penis to stay small and the other wants his to stay big…God help me!!! Lol!

  • One of my daughters classmates thought this when she was in kindergarten, she told the whole class that babies came from butts. There was a boy in that same class that ran around kissing the girls cheeks saying ‘ now you are pregnant, and if you go poop in the toilet you will have the baby in there’. Needless to say, there were a few girls that went on the floor because they thought they were having a baby. My daughter knew better, but in her knowledge, didn’t say a word to the girls, a teacher, no one. I still laugh.

  • hahahahahaha. Loved this!

  • When my oldest was 5 (she’s now 14) she told me she got in and out thru my belly button

  • When my oldest was in the 5th grade…. the year they get “The Class” at school, we asked him to tell us what the teacher told them so we would know what we needed to help him understand. He told us that he found out ladies got a C-section when the baby was too big to come out her butt! We had a few things to go over with him!

  • My daughter, and a classmate of hers, both thought that the baby got food directly from mommy’s stomach, like after we chewed it and all. They also thought that Mommy would have to eat clothes for it to wear when it ‘got borned.’ This classmate’s mom and I were both expecting around the same time and we couldn’t get over it. 4 year olds come up with some crazy ideas.