*Keep in mind that this post is satirical before you go spazzing out in the comments section. Please and thank you!
My only child in school, Holden, hasn’t even finished his very first year and I can already tell you- it’s all downhill from here. This whole education thing? It’s the pits. It sucks. It’s awful and horrible and I do not like it ONE bit and it’s only going to get worse as the years go on.
Not for him- but for me. For US! Parents! It gets worse for the parents! We should really think twice about letting our kids learn stuff before it’s too late. Let me tell you what will happen if they continue down the path to higher learning.
– Look here. Time outs are awesome. Time outs are fabulous. I would love to go into a time out myself. 5 minutes of not being able to speak to anyone and having to ignore everyone who speaks to me? Hell to the yes! And then Holden learned to count. Then he learned how many seconds are in a minute. From that point on, every time out he asks me how many minutes long and he proceeds to count. The entire time. He counts to 60 five times and then announces that he is done. He has not yet learned the spacing of seconds. This annoys me.
– Oh how awesome that you learned to zip up your own coat and tie your own shoes in school, sweetie! Yes I know you are a BIG boy and can now do it yourself but we have an appointment in 10 minutes and it takes you TWENTY to get ready yourself.
– Do you know what day is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday? Do you know what was on a quarter before what is currently? I have no damn idea- but I am asked things like this every single day. I don’t know why I’m asked because apparently I am always wrong and he already knew the answer. I used to be able to make shit up. I can’t make shit up anymore. It sucks.
– Weren’t you so excited to be done with school and never hear the word “homework” EVER again? Welcome to your nightmare. Only it’s harder than you remember and you are ALWAYS expected to know how to do everything.
– Remember the days of being able to spell out things that were intended to be secrets, or even better- curse words? Yeah, once reading begins- that comes to an abrupt halt. I say to Thomas, “The C-I-R-C-U-S is this weekend, did you want to take the B-O-Y-S?” and I hear a little voice answer me instead of my husband’s “Cir……Circ….CIRCUS? WE’RE GOING TO THE CIRCUS??” FUCK! Wait, no, not fuck. Now I have to say stupid things like “ssshhhhhhh….oot” or “Mother fffffffffff….rig”
Some things just deserve a FUCK. I feel incomplete.
– I thought kids going to school and learning to think for themselves was awesome. Finally they won’t “mommy mommy mommy I need you for this and that and that and this!” all day long every day. Finally at least 3 consecutive minutes to myself! No. Instead Holden comes home and tells me that everything I taught him was wrong and all letters need monkey tails and he learned it in school so that must be the right way and your way is the horrible wrongest of wrong ways and they don’t understand why you’d teach it that way if it was wrong.
– Most teachers are great. They are fabulous and love kids and the kids have so much fun in their classes- and then your kid comes home and calls you the teacher’s name instead of Mommy. Talk about a kick in the vag.
– Speaking of teachers- you are now no longer the smartest person they know. Maybe it’s the kid who sits next to them. Maybe it’s the principal. Maybe it’s their teacher- but it’s not you. You’re now the dumbest person they know. Even if you’re right you’re wrong.
– You fail at life because the lunch you packed them sucks. Children learning about options, aka the shit you DON’T have, sucks even more.
– They use all their focused quiet attentive learning energy up at school and go absolutely batshit crazy as soon as they get home. You are then left to wonder who is this smart focused student their teacher speaks of and if you are being sent home a pod child.
We have to think of a way to put a stop to this or sooner than we know it- these little boogereaters will outsmart us and run this world!!! Oh wait…
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.