Rant Club #2: My bed- it’s a hostage situation

This is the second meeting of the Rant Club. Please keep in mind, that as a part of the “Rant Club” series- you must remember the first rule of Rant Club: Do not interrupt or reply with anything even resembling logic or reason. Sometimes we want to rant just to RANT and we don’t care about factual content or details.
Keep your hands arms and feet inside the car at all times and secure all personal belongings

I will be the first one to suck it up and admit that I am not the most flexible of parents. It’s not like I have everything scheduled in our day down to the minute- but there are certain times to do certain things and aside from the random day- I don’t like to deviate from it too often.

That being said- I have given up quite a bit of my usual routine from before kids and my non-spontaneous nature to just jumping and doing things on a whim. I have adjusted to waking up WAY THE FUCK EARLIER than I want to for these little boogers without too much complaint, I have socialized with other people, I have even done *shudder* crafts. I deserve a little bit of credit for flipping my life upside down and then giving it a good dozen shakes like a snowglobe without actually considering any of it “sacrifice”- I do it because they are my kids and I want them and I want them to have the best.

You think these kids would show a little appreciation, right? Blah blah, they’re 5 and 3 and too young. Psh. They could totally scribble out a thank you card, or hand over part of their dessert in a show of love for the love I show them on a regular basis.
But no.

They fought and I surrendered my body, my mind, my brain and half of my memories, my conversational skills. I already succumbed and gave up peeing in private or pooping without an audience and countless other things- and now the war is being waged over something sacred to me. A battle fought by many parents, and the percentage of those who have won is not looking too hopeful for me.


I willingly share this thing with one creature already that we here on earth call a “husband.” I even willingly shared it with both children when they were infants because let’s face it- screaming baby next to you is easier than screaming baby in another room when it’s 3 in the frickin’ morning- but that time has passed. Ohhhh yes it has!
You might argue that these 3 and 5 year olds are not old enough to write me a damn thank you card- but they sure as shit are old enough to sleep in their OWN beds. All night!
I’m not talking about thunderstorms or nightmares or being afraid of the dark- we’re talking on normal nights waking up with a wide open child mouth breathing stank ass child breath right up your nose, or getting an elbow dropped on your windpipe, or a heel into the clavicle- effectively shocking me out of a fully asleep state.
I don’t think these children understand nor do they care about how I need this sleep in order to be able to DEAL with them the next day! It’s for their own damn benefit!

I might not even notice or mind so much if they weren’t violent sleepers- but no. They can’t manage to hold still just for a FEW hours. When they get in bed they set forth on a hostile takeover of that bitch. Unwise, children. So unwise- for when you wake me up, your ass gets sent back to your own bed- you know, the one you get to sleep in ALONE- which is MAGICAL IN CASE YOU DID NOT REALIZE!

These kids. These sneaky ass kids- they always find a way, don’t they? A way to get their way. Once they figured it out that if they were at my eye level it would get them forcibly ejected from Mommy and Daddy’s bed- they both literally started crawling underneath the comforter at the foot of the bed and sleeping at our feet. You can’t make this shit up! You try waking up with an unknown weight on your legs in the middle of the night and see if you don’t try to fling it off- or GOD FORBID you open your eyes and see something under the covers by your feet moving and then you get flashes of that fucking clown from Poltergeist coming to get you.


You know what, though? I am a reasonable woman- I’m willing to compromise here.
Listen up, kiddies- I am willing to share this bed, MY BED, with you under ONE condition- you cuddle.
That’s right, CUDDLE. That means snuggling up to me like you love me more than anything else in the entire world and cuddling. No pretending mommy has icky germs or that you are incapable of HOLDING STILL. Cuddle. Cuddle or GTFO!

Since I know you can’t POSSIBLY do this- I guess that means I get my bed back. Have a nice night!

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 10 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • UGH! Mine are the same way. Well my 3 year old. I’m so sleep deprived, I just don’t give a shit anymore!
    Great post, thanks for the laugh.


  • AMEN SISTER!! I couldnt agree more

  • I have a 5 yo and 2 1/2 yo that do this. The difference…my 5 yo will willingly cuddle up to me. The youngest, will wake up the neighbors over a damn pillow. For real. And it’s not like they can take up a tiny space either…they take up the space RIGHT around me, and pin me in. Sleeping is impossible with kids.

  • I didn’t just give up my bed but my whole room.. I figured my 12 yo and my 2 yo needed their own space and it would save my sanity.. I moved to the hard futon in the living room and many nights(every night) my two yo (who I just convinced her bed was better then mamas) still comes out between midnight and 5am) and I end up with the floor). I think I have permanent back and hip damage from it… but what we do for our little ones… their hugs and kisses and giggles almost make it worth it…

  • Mine hog the whole damn bed when they climb in with me! How can 2 very skinny small girls take up a whole queen bed?

  • My twin boys are four and huge cuddlers…they always end up in bed with me…sometimes I don’t even wake up for awhile…kinda like it, but they really do need to spend all night in their own beds!! Thanks for saying what I was thinking- again…

  • I have lived this roller coaster sleeping pattern and there have been some nights where I’ve crawled into my 6 yr old sons bed while him and his 2 yr old brother sprawl out in mine with their Daddy!!! The things we do for our kids 😉

  • My grandson is the same way but since he is two grandma still rules her bed :)… (for now)

  • Ugghhh. I feel ya!!! I fight every night with all 3 of my kids to not sleep in my bed. They are 8, 5, and 4. I get the nightmares and storms but every night. After forever they go to sleep in there bed but by morning they are willing into my bed. Somehow it never wakes up darling husband and its like as soon as I have a kid so close to me I can’t wiggle he scoots even closer snoring in my ear. So I am stuck in a horribly uncomfortable position with everyone asleep but me. They other night I figured if they are all in my bed I will get up and sleep in one of there beds. They followed me. Those little people have radar. Oh let’s not forget that the animals also wants bed. Dang it its MINE. I JUST WANT SLEEP A FULL EIGHT HOURS UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP!!!!!!!