Having two sentence spewing crotchfruit has become more exhausting than I’d imagined- and most days it is hard to even keep up because their mouths never stop moving; whether it be whining, crying, or complaining coming from them. I had begun to think they were really starting to get the best of me with all the mega-burns and beyond-their-years knowledge statements- but you know what? I still got a little somethin’ up my sleeve. A little bit of quickness (assuming I haven’t been kept up all night by a certain child who shall remain nameless who enjoys sleeping at the end of my bed so that he is not noticed until he slams a sharp heel into my boob)- That’s right, Mommy got jokes!
Along with the long standing tradition of sharing with you (and keeping these for my records so I can pull them out at a moment’s notice when a date is brought home in the future)- tonight’s Holdenisms/Parkerisms blog has a dash of “BOOYAH! Mama’s still got it”s! Don’t you just LOVE those moments? They are few and far between and get even moreso as these b-holes age, so we must cherish them when they come along!
We were at the neighbors house after just getting home from my brother’s birthday lunch. The boys had been whining the ENTIRE way home about wanting to go to my brother’s to ride bikes or whatever the fuck it is they wanted to do there- I’d tuned it out so I can’t be sure. It was time for the neighbor to put her baby down for a nap, so I started trying to usher the boys back toward our house so she could go inside. Holden was not at all pleased by this.
“But Mommy, I just wanna have fun!”– he whined, pouty bottom lip and all. And so, being the quickwit that I
sometimes am, I responded:
“C’mon Cindy Lauper- time to go”
No. He didn’t get it. But that doesn’t matter, damnit!
“You’re ruining my beauty sleep!”- Parker
I don’t think the child knows that it’s unwise to mention beauty sleep around a decaffeinated creature that looks like a gremlin that was fed after midnight, aka Mommy. Or maybe he should just call me Mogwai. OBVIOUSLY the child needs to watch more 80’s movies. Only then will he learn.
Holden (who, keep in mind, is 5): Mommy, you better watch out or you’re gonna back into that phone booth
Me: …. you know what a phone booth is?
Holden: Yeah! I also know what a satellite is, but I’m not gonna tell you right now
*5 minutes later*
Holden: Mommy, how do you spell uvula?
Me: Did you just say UVULA?
Eldest *grinning*: Uh huh.
I’m not honestly sure what the child is planning, but I don’t think it’s going to end well for the rest of the world.
According to the radio, it was recently the first day of Spring. You might never guess it with how chilly it was outside- but luckily for me, I have a junior meteorologist in my midst, so I already knew about this whole Spring business when the Parker got in the car that morning and announced “It’s hot as balls!”
I never tell the children, but there are days I award them as “favorite child of the day”- sometimes it’s “favorite child of the hour”- you know how it goes with little ones.
Parker one day was insisting we go out to get Chinese food when I told him I was cooking it, and Holden responds “No way! I LOVE Mommy’s cooking!”
Boom! Extra dessert for you! He held me to that shit, too!
Parker *pointing to head*: Is this where my brain is?
Parker *starts smacking himself in the head*
Me: What are you doing??
Parker: Spanking my brain!
Me: Why are you spanking your brain???
Parker: It makes me say funny words!
The boys were outside playing when Holden brought me a handful of buttercups saying they were a present for me. Not even five minutes later he came back and asked if he could take them and basically smash the shit out of them with a stick, but adds “Don’t worry Mommy. Just because I hammer your flowers doesn’t mean I don’t love you”- Well, when you put it THAT way- how can I say no??
Waiting in the school cafeteria to pick up Holden There was an older gentleman, sweet as can be, trying to find a way to keep the door propped open and was bending down when Parker pointed and announced “HE HAS A BIG HINEY!!!!!”
I don’t think the poor man heard him, but let’s just say that Parker is lucky he’s cute or I wouldn’t be surprised to find my car egged or yard TPed… though one might argue the nice man wouldn’t want to spare the extra butt-wipe if ya know what I mean.
WHAT?? HE SAID IT FIRST!
Every morning when Thomas leaves for work he gives the boys kisses and hugs goodbye. Every now and then Parker will send him off by being super cute and sweet, saying “You’re my favorite Daddy in the world” and every time Thomas responds with “I’m your ONLY Daddy in the world”-
You see- this is why I keep telling him you can’t always use nonsense like LOGIC or REASON when dealing with little kids, because lo and behold, this morning as he was leaving, Parker calls out “You’re my only Daddy in the world!” meanwhile, I am still the “favorite mommy”- a title I wear proudly even if it’s not “correct”
I bet that stings a little… or would the logical and correct term be… BURN!
“I can’t wait to stuff my mouth!!” -Holden
I love it when Holden hums and sings. I rarely know WHAT he is singing, but he’s always humming a happy little tune, and I always do a little dance alongside him. What I didn’t love was rocking alongside him while he’s humming this tune when suddenly he sang out “It’s Britney, Bitch!”
GASP!!! I was SHOCKED.
I mean, if you’re gonna be into Britney, you at least have to start at the beginning so you can fully appreciate why she is “Britney, bitch.”
Kids today, no appreciation for music history!
Don’t you just love it when your kids say things they do not understand in public? Man, it sure is fabulous to have your 5 year old announce in the middle of a store that his little brother is “nothin’ but an afternoon delight!”
And by fabulous, of course I mean horrible.
Thomas: Okay, we’re going to the mall
Parker: noooooo I NO WANT to go to mall!
Parker: there’s too much stuff at mall!
Thomas: but we need to go!
Holden: No! Not the mall! There’s too much stuff at the mall!
Me: *facepalm* I don’t know either of you.
Parker and I started off one morning by singing a song back and forth while I was helping him out in the bathroom. This song was a silly insult song. I would sing “You have a stinky butt,” and then he’d sing back “You have a stinky eyebrow,” to which I’d return “You have a stinky head”- this went on for a gleeful two minutes of solid insulting fun- and then his turn came around again and instead of insulting me he sings “I love your face!” which made me feel like a total asshole. Of course, when I asked him if he did that on purpose he ran away laughing hysterically. Minus 1 for Mommy
Typical morning conversation with a small child
Me: Stop messing with the dog and get dressed.
*3 minutes pass. Child is still playing with the dog*
Me: I don’t care if the dog is tapdancing, leave him alone and get dressed!
Holden: A TAPDANCING DOG?!?
Me: On second thought, if he’s tapdancing I totally wanna know about it so I can take pictures
Holden: Dogs don’t tapdance!
Me: Exactly! Get. Dressed.
Holdent: (feeling the burn of defeat)….okay.
And I got my damn point back!
Holden (during dinner): Mommy, I’m so full! I think I’m over full. *groans* There’s like no room left!
Me: But we haven’t had dessert! Don’t you still have room left for dessert?
Holden (perks up): Yeah! Yeah!!
Me: Well, then I guess you’re not so full after all. Bam! Eat yo dinner!
Mommy:2, Holden: 0
Me (to Holden): I like having you home with me
Holden: Yeah Mommy, I’m being pretty nice to you today!
Parker and I were sitting in the car longer than usual one day because it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside- and to pass the time we were taking pictures. Suddenly, he announces he has to pee. We rush inside and past all the parents toward the bathroom when he decides to yell “ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT???”
No. No one’s talking about your butt, child.
Once all the parents finish laughing, he then yells at me “DO *YOU* HAVE A BUTT???”
Cue everyone staring over at my ass-region. Awesome. Thanks, Parker. You rule!
Parker, in a shrill high-pitched obnoxious sing-songy like voice for the past 5 minutes straight:
“Mommyyyyyyyyy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, momm-eeeeeee MOM! Mommyyyyyyy, mom-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, mommy, MOM!”
Me: Dude. Stop it. Right now. Stop. For the love of all that is holy make it stop.
Parker: *big sad eyes* But I’m singing the Mommy Song!
And that was one of those moments where I suck it the hell up because the cute outweighs the annoying. Only by a little though. Save me.
Parker: That smells like memonade!
Me: what does?
Parker: your chode-a (soda)
Me: *gigglesnort gigglesnort* You said CHODE *gigglesnort*
My sense of humor is that of a 13 year old boy. I think that serves me well considering I will sooner rather than later have two of those. Gulp. Send for backup!
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.