Opening a parental can of "This will bite you in the ass"

It’s hard to believe that it has been SIX months since Holden started Kindergarten. And yes, I had to stop and count it on my fingers and was shocked when I got past 3. Time is flying right by. I don’t know where it’s going or what happened to it- but it needs to get a fucking grip and slow down so that I can process things slower than a mile a minute.

Six months since school began means it’s also been six months since the throwdown in the school lunchroom. I know I make light of it now- but hey, it’s been a LONG time!
During the 2nd week of school, it appears that some kid who had been snatching up lunches tried to take Holden’s. Holden does not PLAY when it comes to his food and it led to a bit of a physical altercation. The kids were 4-5 years old at the time. I knew then it wasn’t THAT serious, but it did worry me and caused me to have to teach Holden things I thought I had at least a few years to go before we even had to broach the subject.

To try and avoid a situation where he ever felt like his only option was to get physical- I told him to do whatever he had to do to get away from the kid and TATTLE. Just tattle! It was a great idea. With “zero tolerance” in effect these days- it’s all you can really do to not get in trouble. Run and tell on the little booger. Tattle so hard that you can’t tattle anymore! Tattle the shit out of’em!
He gave me a puzzled look. I didn’t think my instructions were so confusing- but I guess the years of me becoming increasingly annoyed with the dumb shit he would tattle on was pretty obvious. Just like any parent- tattling, no matter how helpful, is annoying. Really annoying.
So I don’t hide my emotions well- who would have ever guessed that?

Yes, of COURSE I want to know if your little brother is scaling the side of a skyscraper. Especially if it’s without a harness. We take safety very seriously in this house. What I don’t need to know is if it appears he might possibly be picking his nose again- you think. You’re not sure because you can’t see his whole face and he’s all the way across the room but you THINK he’s knuckle deep and were positive it was something pertinent for me to know in the middle of making lunch so you told me. No. I don’t need to know that mess. Nor do I care. YES, I’M SERIOUS! I DON’T CARE! SHHHH- NO! DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD!
It was exhausting.

My encouragement of his tattle-habit that had been in remission apparently opened a new can of worms.  Why is it that parenthood constantly seems like closing one can and opening another? And the can usually has a giant label that says “This will bite you in the ass”- but for some reason, we never heed the warnings. Kind of like Taco Bell. Mmmmm Taco Bell.

I’ve never been able to figure out why it is that the kids absolutely lose their fucking MINDS as soon as their father walks in the door upon getting home from work- but it never fails. As much as I love weekends for the extra pair of hands around the house it gives me for 2 straight days- it’s also two straight days of “Daddy’s home, let’s be over the top certifiably batshit crazy!” behavior. I actually now look FORWARD to Mondays just to get a semblance of peace back. Never thought I’d see the day.

The kids were doing their absolute best jobs of fighting with each other. NON-STOP. I know they love each other, but lately it seems like they’re on their way to being mortal enemies. It is beyond maddening. I have days where I actually ban them from speaking to one another- it’s the only way to calm their shit down.

This is where I had that foot-in-mouth, “I really should NEVER have said that” moment- because I opened the damn door for it to happen and now I am dealing with the consequences.

I could swear that for about an hour straight absolutely EVERYTHING Parker did- Holden tattled on. Parker’s playing with my toy! Parker won’t share his bouncy ball! Parker has my stuffed animal! Parker won’t share! Parker growled at me! PARKER PARKER PARKER!
Jiminy fucking Cricket- it was like the Brady Bunch up in this shit. The new one where Jan loses her fucking mind. It was THAT bad. And then it all came to a head.

Now, when you read this- you MUST read Holden’s parts in the most obnoxious nasally drawn out whine voice possible or you won’t get the full effect.

Holden: MOMMY! Parker said I’m a bad boy!
Me: Man, you really gotta stop tattling so much.
Holden: Well HE tattles more than I do!
Me: Now you’re tattling on how much he tattles!

The peak of tattling! Tattling on someone else’s tattling! KING TATTLER! I should have made him a crown out of construction paper. 
See- this is what we get for doing the right thing.

One would assume I’d have learned the last, oh I don’t know- seventeen times this happened? This is what we parents do. We do the “right” thing for our kids. Even if it comes back to haunt us. Over and over and over and over again. It’s that damn responsibility thing. It sucks. 

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • My 9 year old is a constant tattler. It drives me bat shit crazy. Even his teacher has called home (more than once) about his tattling. “So and so said the “F” word.” “This one looked at me funny.” “Little brother stuck up his middle finger” It is endless.

    I told him, “If there is no knife wounds, blood, brains, guts coming out I don’t want to hear it.” As for school the same rules apply with an added, “If you are being bullied tell someone, if someone is doing something to harm someone else or them selves tell otherwise keep your mouth shut.”

    Haven’t had a call in a week and half…

  • My 4yr old tattles so much that he has actually started tattling on me to his 12yr old sister when he can’t find something to tattle on her to me about.

  • Oh lord! May the force be with you on that one!
    Holden tattles on his Daddy to me… which I have to admit I find highly amusing. Dear God- I’m an enabler!